My mother recently passed & was cremated. She didn't want a service. Family wants one. What do I do?

Question

She was cremated and sent to Arlington National Cemetary to be burried with my dad. Everything was prearranged and her wishes were not to have a service of any kind just direct cremation and burial. My sister and I want to abide by these wishes but her only surviving sister wants a service and expects my sister and I to have one. We are being torn in different directions over this. Any comments or suggestions??

Answer 1

Donna, a few years ago when my mother died, she wanted the same thing. She was very specific in her wishes. Upon her death, she was taken to a funeral home and then to a crematorium. From there to a cemetary where she was placed into an urn then in a niche next to my father.
Since she was catholic, the church has some reservations about a service if the "body" isn't there. They have no problem with cremation, but a funeral mass requires the deceased to be present.
But your mother wanted you to do specific things upon her death. You carried out her wishes out of love and respect for her. Since cremation and burial have already taken place, I would let her sister arrange a service for her. Do not let her sister bully you into doing something against your mothers wishes. Her sister obviously needs closure, and some people just need to have this. Tell her that she can feel free to arrange something at her church if she wants to, but you are abiding by your mothers wishes. Period.

Answer 2

When my grandfather passes away he wants the same thing, buried next to grandma, no service. People are already saying "well we'll have service after he's gone" I am the one in charge on this and I will do everything I can to abide his wishes. I do however think that having a luncheon or picnic with everyone invited would not be wrong or a bad idea.

Answer 3

My dad has asked for the same thing. He doesn't want us to have to go thru any additional grief that he thinks a funeral causes, but what he interprets as caused by a funeral is really caused by death itself, not the funeral, and there's no getting around that. The expenses may be taken care of, but for many to have a sense of closure, they need to be able to formally say goodbye. I expect that we will do for him what was done for one of my aunts - a quiet memorial service at home. We had a gathering of close friends and relatives, like a family reunion of sorts, and had several pictures of her doing many of the things she loved over the years put on a DVD and set to music. We watched it, and everyone related a memory or short story of and about her. It gave us all a sense of peace and closure we didn't have before. Then everyone went outside, read Psalms 23, and the immediate family also released a helium balloon as a symbol of letting go. Maybe this would be a good compromise for you. Whatever you go with, my heart goes out to you and your family. Take care.

Answer 4

I agree with the one poster abt funerals are for the family- NOT the deceased.
I want a cremation and have my remains scattered in a natural environment myself. How ever I would oppose not a memorial service if the family wants one. (just NO dead body viewing as I feel that is barbaric and sick)
maybe you can do a family reunion/memorial service, more low key and fun event, rather than the sob and wail fest?

Answer 5

Does your mom's sister know that she didn't want a service? If so, then I suggest that you and your sister sit down and have a discussion about this. Ask her if she respects your mom and if so she should abide by her wishes. If this is what your mother wanted, then that's what she should get. Sorry for your passing.

Answer 6

A memorial service is for the living. You and your sister can choose to have a service to remember your mother and to give others the chance to remember her also. You have already done as your mother wished --now you can have a service if you want one.

If, however, you choose not to have a memorial service, you can explain to the sister that you are doing as your mother directed.

Answer 7

I know someone who die and she did not believe in God. She did not want a funeral service or prayers for her soul. Some of the family members wanted a service at the mortuary. What they finally agree to was to meet at someone community room. Each person brought something to eat and they had a family get together. Close family friends came and it was like a family reunion. It was a happy occasion and not a wake or funeral service.

Answer 8

hmmm, do you know why she didn't want a service? Is there a way to have something in her honor that isn't considered a service? Did she love bbq or the ocean or something. Perhaps you could throw a party in her memory, and invite her friends over for a good time, honoring your mother by doing/enjoying one of her favorite things? My Dad loved to golf, and his buddies had a beautiful plaque made and a ceremony to place it at the hole in which he got a hole in one. They all told wonderful stories and then we ate and drank and had a good time (after all the tears). I think some people don't want others to have a service, because they don't want people feeling sad about them, but the truth is when they leave, we do feel sad, and one way to work through our grief is to honor them, their memory and keep them alive through ceremony and traditions.

Answer 9

I say honor her wishes and stand up for them. They call it the 'last wishes, or one last wish' for a reason. No more wishes or anything, of all the times a person don't get what they yearn for or wished to happen in life and have their ending passage planned here on earth DON'T FRIGGIN MESS WITH IT, HONOR IT! This is something you do in respect for that person..I don't care if you like it or not or would rather it be this way or that.. its not what YOU deserve.. its what she deserves and wants.

Answer 10

as long as you get your loved ones's permission first. some people think of having a kinfolk ashes close by is creepy. I took my husband's ashes homestead after he replaced into cremated and my baby's might tell their pals that he replaced into in my mattress room on the shelf and that they might get creeped out. and not purely the girls, yet a number of boys too. besides, locate our how your loved ones experience approximately having you putting around the backyard first. of direction, they could positioned them someplace else in the event that they did no longer want them close by. the assumption sounds good to me if my kinfolk might like it that way. even nevertheless, I informed them i want my ashes scattered on the sea. the sea replaced into consistently my famous place to be. Being inland now's poor. i particularly omit the sea. We scattered my husband's ashes in the mountains while all the toddlers must be jointly to help scatter them. that's what he asked us to do. confident, i will donate any usable organs. even nevertheless, my kinfolk has a tendency to stay into their 90s so i do no longer comprehend what number will nonetheless be usable if I stay that long. My mom replaced into ninety two while she died. of direction, my Dad died at sixty six so as that purely leaves me 2.5 years to pass if I purely make it that old.