How to cope with a bad tempered elderly mother?

Question

I brought my mother to live with me two years ago and found what ever i do can't please her she is so bad tempered i don.t think i can cope with her much longer HELP

Answer 1

Tell her then, if you let her get away with it she will carry on. If she thinks she has to go she will change.

Answer 2

I worked in an Assisted Living Facility and some of the old people certainly were bad tempered, and just plain mean. It was a an excellent facility and the staff treated residents with dignity and respect -- but in private we had some very "politically incorrect" advice when staff members who would be drawn into verbal altercations with the old folks:

"Winning an argument with a resident is like winning first place in The Special Olympics ... You get to feel good about winning, and you even get a gold medal ... But you're still a retard." (Yes, yes, I warned you that it was dreadfully improper, but it DOES make the point.)

I know it's hard when it's your own mother -- you have a history, a relationship -- and she knows so much more about you than an ALF resident knows about a staff member. But try to distance yourself, to not take it personally. Even if her words truly ARE a personal attack, refuse to respond as if it were ... it takes TWO to tangle.

Your "what ever I do" indicates that you are putting a lot of value on pleasing her. Why is this so important to you? If you are providing a good home for your mom, reasonably accomodating her preferences, then you have done all that any reasonable person should expect. If your mother expects more, then it is up to HER to cope with her own unrealistic expectation, not up to YOU to cajole her into 'being pleased' with you.

Stop investing so much of yourself in wanting mom's approval, and start patting yourself on the back for doing what you can. She is not going to change and, at this late date, finally give you that 'stamp of approval' you've been waiting all your life for. So give up and stop wanting it. It sounds harsh, but if she angry that you can't do more, then she can get over it or die fussing.

This is a sad thing that I see in working with families of the old. A grown child who has waited 50 years for a parent to 'finally understand' about some event or dynamic of past family life ... and then realize that now the parent is old and getting dementia and will NEVER understand.

I'm not tellling you this to be mean, and I hope it helps.

Answer 3

Oh lucky you.....I feel bad for you, trying to do the right thing and she can't be pleased....
Can you get some state based help, hospice, a day care place you can take her,,,or what about an old peoples home?....if she doesn't have the money they have medicare beds but they are far and few between, there is usually a waiting list, so if you are thinking that way apply now, you can always change your mind later...
I wish I could help yo more but I can tell you this,,,,you need time apart from her or someday you will take the pillow and hold it over her head....for a really long time!!!! LOL, I know this is not funny at all, but, if ever , when ever you can try to see the humor, here you take her in and all she can do is complain about it...
Any siblings who could take her like half the year or something?..reallly you don't want to snap...good luck..
I mutter nasty things under my breath sometimes and it makes me feel better....!!!!! Very immature but it feels good!!!!

Answer 4

You could sit down and talk to her - it's not so unlike having a child in the house. Draw up a 'contract'. Its your home too and you should be happy in it. She may not know she is being bad tempered. If she doesn't you could arrange to go the doctor - she may be diabetic and getting cranky when she eats something, she may have thyroid problems and this can lead to mood swings. She may just be grumpy and feel too dependent on you. If she's not too old could you encourage her to take up outside interests? Maybe bridge, tea dances, the jazz club or computer lessons, just to give her something else to focus on.
Try and arrange a break too - sometimes (especially over a long Christmas) we can all feel a bit caged. Either on your own, or if you go with her, somewhere she will have things to do on her own. If she can't go with you perhaps she can have a break in a rest home for a short time, it may make her appreciate you. You need to break the pattern. She also needs to understand that she gave you life and you would be foolish not to make the best of that. Good luck.

Answer 5

I am sure that it must be very trying at times but if she has had to come to live with you i am assuming she is not able to live on her own for health reasons.

We feel terrible after a hangover or whatever - it can't be great being old and less able to do things anymore.

Perhaps take a day for a time out - is there anyone else youc an rely on or the social to help for a day a week or something. Try to enjoy what time you have left together however trying it may be at times. I know i will when i look after my mother when can no longer do it herself.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

Im a social care worker and work with the elderly in their own homes,what you have to understand is the older we get the more frustrated and short tempered we get.
Its a trait in some elderly people.
I tend to half heartidly listen yet not take anything to heart.
I understand that your mother lives with you and i get a break from this WHEN i go home yet yours starts when you get home.
Explain to your mother that you need a break,have you ever thought of placing your mum in resbite for a week end to give you a break,these are lovely places and give you a well deserved break.
I feel for you,as a carer i understand what your going through.
Try the resbite,there are lots of places,ask at your doctors surgery of local social services.
Good luck and if you need any advice please feel free to email me

Answer 8

I do know what you are going through I did the same with my mum brought her to live with my husband and myself, but she developed dementia, whatever I did was not enough for her, I was always tense and on edge with the stress. She died on New Years Eve, a week ago, I do not feel guilty as I did what I could but I kick myself for going to pieces the last month of her life, I could not cope with the incontinence and the demands she threw at me, I had tried to make plans to place her in a home which was the answer, if only I had coped for just a little longer. Anyway good luck to you, you are a diamond do not wear yourself out as they can be very demanding, with not a lot of thanks.

Answer 9

My wife and i did this very same thing 3 years ago. After a couple of months her mother became so verbally and emotionally abusive we were at our wits end in trying to cope with this problem.

We finally managed to have a sit down conversation and discuss the options rationally with her. She wanted to return to her house, so we loaded up her belongings and moved her back to her home. Arranged to have in home health care come to her house everyday to assist her.

She did fine for 2 years with this, then one morning at 3am we get a call from the police department in the rural town in which she lives. Telling us they have the old gal in the back of an ambulance and taking her to the hospital. The old gal was found outside her house in the street walking around naked.

We told the cops to take her to the hospital and that we'd drive 120 miles to that location asap. We arrived 4 hours later, talked to the doctors who had admitted her for 3 days, they asked what we wanted to do.

We'd went into the room and talked with the wife's mother, and all she could do is accuse of stealing everything she owns and leaving her with nothing not even the clothes on her back. leaving her homeless without clothes or anything. Called us the worst names we've ever heard.

We've done everything humanely possible for this woman since she began retirement. Bought her groceries, clothes, paid her utility bills, car insurance etc. No other family members did anything for us, yet we get nothing but S hit from this woman.

We finally decided to have her placed in a nursing home. It was no longer feasible for her to live alone. She won't live with us, so we had no choice.

I'd recommend the nursing home or an independent living retirement community. No child of an elderly parent should be required to put up with abusive parents.

I figure you aren't getting much help from other family members (brother's and sisters) so many families are like this, they will let one person deal with it all.

Do yourself and your mother a favor and place her in a nursing home or retirement community. Visit as often as is prudent to your situation. Good Luck, Hope this helps a little.

Answer 10

Has she always been bad tempered or is this a new side to her character? If its new it may be a sign of the onset of some form of dementia or a worsening of an existing condition. I'm guessing that the reason you brought her to live with you was some difficulty of hers to cope on her own. If this is not the case she could just be a crabbit auld biddy.

Answer 11

The best thing to do is to find her another place to live. Is she in good health or does she need help with self-care? Does she have Alzheimer's?

Do you have any siblings sho can help you with her? If so, can you all chip in and pay for an apartment close to you? That way, YOU can decide when you see her.

She will continue to complain that you are "neglecting" her or whatever, but you can limit contact.

For the short term, just smile and say " Love you, Mom" every time she complains. It will confuse her. ;)