How to deal with your step son?

Question

I have a step son and i have been in his life for 5 years now, and he still treats me like crap most of the time. He is only 8, but he is so very mouthy to me and his dad, and he doesn't listen to what I say and when I do tell him to do something and he gets mad he screams and yells like a girl and cries like a baby. and he has started with the "your not my mom" thing and I knew that was gonna come someday I just thought it would be much later in life. I love this kid so much, but the way he treats me sometimes I think... is this all worth it??? I love his dad unconditonally, and it scares me to think I would leave b/c of his son, but a person is only capable of so much...I need real advice, not smart comments, please help

Answer 1

What are the sons interests. Ask questions about interests. Don;t argue back. If given the chance show interest in his life, interests, school, sports, etc.
If you have a chance try to be a friend not a parent. Try to make friends with his friends. Do the things he likes to do.

Answer 2

Okay, well I am a 14 y/o girl, and I have been dealing with my dad's girlfriends for half of my life. I know that it's a little bit different with you because you're actually married to the dad, but i can relate to your step son entirely. When my parents got divorced and my dad started bringing his girlfriends into my life, i was very resentful because i felt like she was trying to be my new mom. As cliche as that may sound, it's true. The second my dad's girlfriend started telling me what to do, i would get this awful feeling in my gut, and to be quite honest, i probably did treat her like crap. Not that there's any justification for treating my dad's girlfriend like crap, but i felt like if i liked her and became friends with her, i would be betraying my mom in some way. Now, i don't know anything about the relationship between your stepson and his biological mom, but just make sure you respect it- no matter what it is. Anyways, remember he is only 8 and is probably very frustrated with the situation. While you are a parental figure in his life and you do have some authority over him, try your hardest not to tell him what to do. It will make him resent you even more. The best course of action would be to take up the issues with the dad (your husband), and let him handle it. I know you won't be able to do this all the time, but just try your hardest. Oh, yeah, and whatever you do, don't address your stepson about the way he treats his dad. It's his dad's responsibility to discipline his son about this type of thing- not yours. I hope i helped a little. Feel free to email me [e-mail]

Answer 3

Hi.

I am in a similar situation with a step son around the same age. I have also found that the situation gets worse for a while when he has been to stay with his biological dad. It's only my opinion, but I think he is angry with his parents for not being there for him as a team and he sees me as being an extra obstacle to them being together. I have found that the easiest way to deal with him is to stay totally calm, regardless of how seething I am inside. After a few of his screaming fits I have sat down with him and talked about why he feels like he does. These can be difficult conversations for both of us but it gives him the opportunity get whatever is eating im off his chest. I never ever disagree or argue with him during these conversations (although I do have to mentally count to 10 sometimes). Try and look at things from his side, he's only 8 and he can't rationalise situations like you can so his only way to vent his anger is by screaming at you and his father. See if you can involve youself in some of his activities (my lad loves football so that was easy for me) and most of all, try and show unconditional love. Try and remember that you are not a replacement mum but a supplementary one. It may help if you can go to some sort of councilling with him. It doesn't have to be dressed up as anything fancy and your local GP should be able to recommend someone suitable. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you can start to enjoy a fulfilling relationship withhim.

Answer 4

Well, you've been there for 5 years, so first you need to agree with his father that you are his parent now and have the same rights to discipline him as a biological parent would, then you and his father need to sit him down and get that message through to him. A lot of that explanation should come from his father, saying effectively that "I have decided you have the same rights and responsibilities as his biological mother".

Only then, can you apply other advice for getting him to behave, in the same way that any parents would (from your parents, friends, books, further questions on here, etc).

To stop him whining like a baby, if all else fails, just make him self-conscious about it by saying 'Everyone will think you're childish', 'Can't you control yourself? Do you want me to tell your friends how you whine and cry like a baby', etc. He's a male - He won't want people to think he's a failure at controlling his emotions.

One technique you can use when he phrases something in an abusive or impolite way is to re-phrase politely what he should have said.

For example, when he says "Give me a coke.", you say, "You mean 'Can I have a coke?'.".

This way, you're not just telling him he's done something wrong, you're teaching him how to do it right and what is expected.

There's also simple reward and punishment :-

If you want him to do more of something, reward that behaviour.
If you want him to do less of something, punish that behaviour.

If he's mouthy and using abusive language to you, you and his father need to stamp down hard on it every single time and tell him its just not acceptable, no matter how much effort that is for you initially.

Its only when he's behaving with the good manners and politeness you'de expect from anyone else, that you can enjoy a good friendly relationship with him.

Answer 5

Manners are taught at a very young age. It appears he has not learned his. If he treats his Father the same way he treats you then it is all the more difficult. I would devise a punishment chart and place it where he can see it. Together with you husband go over the rules and make sure both of you stick to it,,,, by the book. Such as, Rudely interrupting an adult conversation for a non-emergency = 2 nights no T.V. and additional punishment for bad behavior after punishment is handed out. So on and so forth. I on the other hand would always use capital punishment. I would inform your husband before using any such tactic, but when push comes to shove,,, you want to be doing the pushing and shoving,,,, not allowing a boy to do it.

Answer 6

Having a step parent is always very hard for children to accept at first. But that doesn't mean that you can't make yourself part of your step son's life; try to form a friendship with him, always make sure you are part of his life, play games with him, set a family day; where all three of you go out somewhere. When you start establishing a friendship with your step son, you'll be able to have more influence to correct his behavior.

Also, it's very important not to give your step son any attention at all when he starts kicking and screaming, if you do, he'll think he can have anything he wants the moment he yells for it. Only give him attention again when he is quiet.
Be gentle with him, and try to talk to him a lot-- to understand him, and help to form a better relationship.

Good luck! :)

Answer 7

Remember, whether you are sonny's mother or not, it is now YOUR home as much as it is Daddy's, and you are now Daddy's partner in setting the standards for the house. You and he (the father) must work out together what these standards are, along with consequences for violating them. NEVER allow these standards to become "Peggy's Rules" ... they are always HOUSE rules, backed by BOTH Peggy AND Daddy.

Of course, if your husband routinely disregards standards like "dirty sox in the basket, not on the floor" or "no screaming at Peggy", his son will too. You must insist that Hubby set a good example of observing household standards.

The standards must be objective and consistantly enforced. That is, your own subjective situation and mood must play no part. "I had a bad day at work" is no excuse for ill temper. If you need 30 minutes to yourself after work to unwind, then set a 'standard' of having that private time when family members leave you alone.

This will be very difficult for your husband, who will be facing 10 years (minimum) of being "in the middle" between his wife and son. You knew you were taking on this difficulty when you married him, so I am sure you will try to make his role easier, not harder. Good luck.

Answer 8

being a step parent is very hard, when my husband and I married his daughter was three and the first thing I made sure of when she ask me who are you? isaid I am your dads wife , my name is Kathy.She said are you my mommy, I said no, you have a mommy don't you she said yes, I said I'm Kathy, she said Cassie (she couldn't speak plain yet ) I said yes,so thats what you call me. I never tried to be her parent, I never said anything negative about her mother, and I let her dad deal with the correction or punishment of her.Don't get me wrong it was not always easy, the stress level was bad at times,especially when she was from 11- 14 years old. The one thing that seemed to help was when my husband and I had our daughter,my step daughter was around 10 at the time and we made sure that she understood that the baby was her sister just like her other brother and sister (On her moms side),the new baby seemed to bring her closer to me, when she was with us I always treated her and my daughter the same, always spent the same amount of money on both and always tried to even out the amount of presents during birthdays christmas etc. My step daughter moved in with us after she graduated from high school, that wes a big adjustment for all of us , she stayed with us until she moved in with her boyfriend,now its 22 years later, she has a 3 year old boy (my grandson) , and some times she calls me mom, sometimes I'm her step mom, sometimes I'm dads wife,
we are actually pretty close. When the four of us are out together people have said well Kathy your daughters look like you, we all laugh and say do you really think so? and I say I don't see it I think they look like there dad.
My only advice for you is to be his friend, love him, and let him know your are there for him, and he will come around.

Answer 9

1. Get some books on parenting.
2. Go with him to a child pshychiatrist.
3. Give him a silent treatment meanwhile (and your husband must cooperate). First explain
to him that he has to do what you say and what his father says. Then tell him that if he does not, you would not notice him. So, then he screams and goes into a rage, you and your husband pretend he is not there, and do not talk to him, look at him, play with him for a day. The next day ask him if he is ready to behave normally, more screams - more silent treatment.

Answer 10

I am a stepchild, now im grown with a child of my own, I can tell you that my relationship with my stepmother was not close until I was grown and we could relate to one another as parents. I know that your husband should react as a joint parent here and consistintly back you up on disipline issues. You and he need to discuss what approach works for you and be consistant. Children will naturally test limits and he knows what gets to you. Be strong, communicate with your husband and continue to be a good parent to the child, if you love him that is enough to make all the preteen crap worth it...Good luck...and if all other disipline fails I might threaten to embarass him, nothing straighted me out faster when I was a teen than my dad telling me he would embarass me in front of my friends, hopefully it wont get to that point however!

Answer 11

I think you're doing too much. In his eyes, you're replacing his mother through physical location and actions. It sounds like a cliche solution, but family counselling would help greatly here. If your husband is passive about this and says, "Oh, there's no problem, it's all in your head, he does love you", the GRAB HIS ATTENTION and correct him on the situation and tell him there could be dire consequences for his ignorance if this problem does not get solved immediately, for the good of the whole family. Good luck to you.