My boyfriend just told me he never wants to get married. Why?

Question

In May it will be 5 years that I have been with my boyfriend. I am 22 and told him about six months ago that by time I am 26 I want to be married. I don't care if we have a big wedding, but I want to married to him. I thought it was fine because two years ago he asked me if i would marry him (no ring involved) in the future and I said yes. Now about a week ago he tells me that he never wants to get married. He says that he has seen and heard about so many dysfunctional marriages that he doesnt see the point. But how can he compare us with them? What do I do or not do? I can not see myself in the future without him. He wants children someday and I told him that I will only have children if I am married. What will happen? Please help me. Thanks

Answer 1

sounds excactly like my fiancee ,yes i am engaged just last month and my boyfriend always said he was`nt interested as he did`nt beleive and all that ,any way i said i only would have kids if i was married and that was that when he mentioned children ,then of course i told him marriage was some thing i wanted but never wanted to force him and it was only good in my eyes if i did`nt force him in to it.
So we have been togetther 6 years and when he asked about marriage it was when he brought it up only ,and i told him yes only if you want to and he asked if we should talk about engagement i said just surprise me ,so thats what happened and he totally surprised me i nearly fell off the chair i was sitting on .
The moral of the story is if you are to be together youe boy friend will do any thing to be with you and make you happy ,the wholre idea is not to rush him and make sure its all about love and understanding !!!
Trust me i am a very happy girl ,but it just takes patience and love !!!
When you don`t bring getting married in to conversation he will start to panic and ask questions ,reverse physcology !!!its genius and works !!!
Good luck and enjoy each others company until the time is perfect !!

Answer 2

I asked my Gramma this one about 30 years ago. She told me that 99% of marriages happen ONLY because the woman insists on it. My own experience confirmed this, but I didn't think about it much until I saw the same thing in John Malloy's book "Why Men Marry Some Women but Not Others".

Malloy tells us that where there is a marriage, there is usually a woman insisting "marry me or lose me". Often, when faced with this choice, a man will "panic and bolt", will run off and start dating a dozen other girls or move across the country. Or will just start showing the girl his worst behavior. We all know how much trouble men have with figuring out their own feelings.

After the "bolt" some men calm down and realize that they actually DO want to marry this girl. But some are gone for good. It's a chance a girl has to take -- that, or be the unofficial 'wife' of a bachelor.

Anyways, I think your guy is in the "bolt" stage. Tell him that you know what YOU want, and that you will give him 6 months to a year to think about what HE wants. But at that time, either there should some sort of serious commitment (and an approximate wedding date like 'within a year of graduation') OR it is time for both of you to start seeing other people.

Answer 3

I would honestly have more discussion on this topic.

"heard about so many dysfunctional marriages".

Yes, divorce rate is high. Why? People loose interest and don't work on their marriage. when things get rocky, people sometimes tend to lean towards the easier route and what is greener on the other side. Don't realize that marriage is actually about working together through whatever thing it is.

5 years is a long time with this guy so far. He knew your future goals (marriage/children). I am thinking he is not confident enough to believe in himself and the relationship to be married.

Even though you two are pratically are married, especially if you two live with eachother, pay bills together and sleep in the same bed etc. Therefore, whether now or 10 years down the road together (whether living now or then).....might as well have the marriage cerimoney as you two doing what married couples do anyhow.....

While discussing and over time (a year or two) he doesn't make a move towards marriage, i would re-think about being with him.

Answer 4

Well, quite clearly he is unsure about your relationship for whatever reason and is using the statistics on marriage as a front and an excuse not to marry you. He's leaving his options open. What's going to happen? Well, you might badger him into a wedding with you then pop out a few kids and he'll cheat or leave you to tend for the children on your own or you two will work on your relationship and he'll find that marrying you is awesome and you'll live not so happily ever after or you'll end up breaking up and going your seperate ways because you two have different goals in life. You want a husband and children and he wants a woman who's willing to pop out his kids without commitment. We are talking about marriage (legal or not) correct? Not weddings which are just a silly little party anyways.

Answer 5

Sounds like he's going through a "phase". Ask him if he's gonna stop driving a car being that there are so many auto accidents nowadays. Anything that has great rewards involves great risks, and marriage and relationships are no exeption. Why does he want to have kids? Doesn't he see all these people being miserable, sick, unhappy, dying terrible deaths? What if it happens to his children - doesn't he care? Why would he even want to bring another life into the world when there's so much dysfunction and misery going on?

His "arguments" masquerade as logic, but they make no sense whatsoever from the truly logical point of view. If he doesn't want to get married - that's his choice, and that's fine; he doesn't need to hide behind some bogus reasons, he can simply be honest with you and give you a heads up. In this case, you have a choice of saying goodbye to him a.s.a.p., healing your wounds, and starting to look for a guy who is not afraid to make a committment and to have a family. It is hard to do - but it will be even harder 5 years from now. I bet you, tho, that he will outgrow it; what he needs is a trusted mature adult to talk some sense into him. Seems to me he's just being silly and stubborn, repeating the clichés he'd heard from other people without even giving it much thought.

Answer 6

You know...I never really understood the difference between marriage and a long-term commitment with a partner.

I mean if you have lived with your boyfriend, doing everything that a married couple does but with no written contract, does that make it any different? Any less of a marriage?

Why would a person refuse to get officially married but still wanna have it all? Maybe it's the feeling that you can have all the fun without the commitment of it, just because you subconsciously know that you have no binding agreement.

I would like your boyfriend to think about that for a while.

Answer 7

You must always believe what people tell you, and don't think you can change his mind. You have been with him a very long time already, at least two years longer than I would have waited, so if you really do want marriage and children, he obviously isn't the one for you. TIme to hit the road... You are extremely young yet, but shouldn't set a target year to get married; life just doesn't work that way. Get independent, enjoy the world, gather all the experiences you can to help you to mature, and go on with your life...

Answer 8

Respect his wishes... If he doesn't want to get married then do not try to force him. However, if you feel you MUST get married then find somebody else who feels the same way you do.

Bottom line... You don't need to be married to be happy. I don't know why people out there insist on being married. You can make a committment to somebody without walking down the aisle. Just be happy he loves you... Just because he changed his mind about marriage doesn't mean he is going to cheat on you or that he cares any less about you.

Answer 9

My father said to my mother, "If you want to get married, find someone else. I'm not the marrying kind." A month later they were engaged, and they were married for 34 years until my dad died.

That said, you started very young, and he may not feel ready to get married. I would back off on this. I would also make yourself a little less available to him. Don't be around all the time. Take classes, improve yourself, develop new friends and new interests. If you're there all the time, he'll take you for granted. If you're not there, you're more desirable. Let him wonder what you're doing and who you're with. And don't pressure him about getting married!

Answer 10

I guess it is either one of Four possibilities:

1. He does not really love you.

2. He is not willing to take such a responsibility at the time being.

3. He is not confident enough to raise a family

4. He has or came to know of a physical problem that he is going to suffer from, and because he loves so much, he didn't want you to know about it, or to involve you with him in such an ordeal through a marriage relationship for instance.



My advice to you is not to even think about having babies from him or any other person in the whole world without marriage...

You need not to destroy your kids' lives before it really starts....