My bf is an alcoholic does any one know of ways to do an intervention?

Question

I dont need wise ass comments but thanks anyway be careful what you say you may think its a joke but to the person your saying it to may not think it is!!!!

Answer 1

it sounds a little like you are either an american or have been talking to americans about this issue.... hence the term 'do an intervention'....

anyway if what you are asking is what do I do and how do I do it then I can help....

First you need to ascertain that he is indeed an alcoholic. An alcoholic is not necessarily smeone who drinks every day, it is possible to consume alcohol every day and not be an alcoholic. It is possible to get drunk every weekend and not be an alcoholic. It is also possible that you only drink three times a year and you are an alcoholic.... alcoholism is not related to how often you drink or even whehter you get drunk or not... Lots of people get drunk who are not alcoholics... Lots of people drink regularly and are not alcoholics..

An alcoholic is a person whose personality changes substantialy when they drink... ie a sweet gentle bloke or woman becomes aggressive even violent... a normally aggressive or even assertive person becomes overly passive... a normaly outgoing person becomes withdrawn and depressed...

Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying: One drink is too many and a hundred is not enough ...

Sometimes an alcoholic who is trying to prove they are not an alcoholic will down one drink and walk away.... they can do it... but that one drink will change their outlook... it will alter the way they think... and the chances are they will find a way to sneak another drink somewhere..

Alcoholics generally develop manipulating and controlling personalities. When they are not outright violent they are often experts at passive aggressive behaviour.

Passive aggressive behaviour can be described like this:
During an outing they dont want to be on they will become sullen and sulky until you agree to go home with them.
During shopping trips they will ask "Do you really need that?" "What's that for?" "Cant we do without that?" to manage and control how you spend money
When your parents are due to visit he will remember something that you and he have to do together somewhere else..
When you suggest that you go out drinking with him. or choose to do something that he does not want you to do he says things like. "What about the kids?" "I dont want our kids left with a babysitter!" or "What am I supposed to do!"

Next you need to understand and accept that this is HIS addiction. He owns it. He is responsible for it and for the outcomes of it. You can not make him see things anyway he doesnt want to see them and you cant control his drinking for him. The only thing you can do is LET IT GO!

Shift your focus from his drinking to how you behave, respond, react. That is hwat you can control.

With an ex who was an alcoholic he told me from the beginning that I was not to interfere with his friendship with his mate, with his drinking or pot smoking. I told him right at the beginning.. I dont give a hoot who your mates are or how much you drink or smoke... Go ahead.. it is your life and your body... that is fine... BUT... when your mates, your drinking or your pot smoking intereferes with me or my kids and our happiness...Then this relationship is over.

When his pot head mate came over I would welcome him in and make him a coffee and treat him like royalty... if they wanted to smoke pot they had to go out to the garage ... if they were drinking as well they did that out in the yard or in the garage.. (we did have a huge garage) and when they were hungry they'd come into the kitchen and I'd feed them and they'd go back out to the garage..

Basically I accepted that his drinking was his business...

but when he got to the stage where he was threatening violence and even opened a car door while I was driving and threatened to jump from the car... I chose one day when his mate was not coming over... and before he started drinking or smoking pot... and I sat him down and said okay...your addictions are interfering with my and my kids happiness... either you get a grip on your addiction or you leeave...it is that simple... one thing or the other... I have not nagged, whined or carried on but we had a deal... I wouldn't nag and your addictions wouldnt interfere with the family's happiness... you broke your part of the deal.. so now.. you must make a decision.. you have a week to make that decision.. your addictions or our family...

within that week his behaviour got very surly and down right threatening as he tried to not drink or smoke pot... and then he would swing back to being ever so syrupy sweet... each time his behaviour swing one way or the other I would call him on it... He didn't make it through the week... he got drunk got violent and I told him to leave... he responded that he would leave only if the police dragged him away... (what an alcoholic thing to do.. he wanted the drama....so I called the Big Guns... I telephoned his long-suffering mother and she sent his sister over to collect him..

three days later after going cold turkey at his mothers house he phoned me and asked for help to find a rehab centre...

He is still sober and straight to this day... he has a new woman.. and his life is great... my life returned to sanity and is going great guns..

I did try to take him back but we broke up over other issues...

so basically the thing to do is to sit him down when he is sober and tell him that you understand he likes to drink.. that you dont mind him drinking nearly so much as you mind the behaviour changes in him... tell him straight out that is what happens..

the tell him he has a choice sort out his **** or you break up... dont tell him how he has to sober up.... dont give him an ultimatum that says you have to go to AA or this rehab or that one... let him decide how he is going to get sober... by all means give him some general literature and information about various means of help... but leave it up to him what he is going to do..

then comes the tricky bit.... stick to your word...

Answer 2

You should have never told her ahead of time. The day that you were moving you should have told her. Moms like that will guilt trip you, make him feel bad and most likely turn you and your bf against each other because it is going to come down to him not wanting to hurt her feelings. You need to have a talk with him and promise each other that no matter what your mother-in-law says you are going to move out. You are adults and the only way to grow up and have a real life is to be on your own. Tell mom you appreciate everything she has done for you two, but it's time for you guys to be independent.

Answer 3

If there was an easy answer one could become wealthy . There is no easy answer and you are a good person to want to try to help. The fact that without the alcohol the b/f could be mentally ill is hard to see. None the less it is very possible and the causes of the disorder are the same.
Wrong expectations for life cause the real pain called depression.

Answer 4

If you truly care that he gets proper help, find a professional in your area who performs interventions. These are complicated events and require delicate handling. An intervention done improperly, no matter how well intended, will almost always result in doing even more damage.to everyone involved. You want him to accept help, right? I knew you did,then do the right thing and use a pro.

Answer 5

Look in the phone book for a trained interventionist. You can also find them online.

There is a cable tv program that just shows families doing interventions on addicts and alcoholics. I found it insightful.

Also, you might try Alanon. It is a support group for families of alcoholics.

Answer 6

well first so he can remember everything make sure that he is sober. try to get his family or close friends near him. tell him that you love him but not when he drinks. and then make an altimateim *sorry about the spelling! so either you or the alcohol.

Answer 7

Better question is why do you want to be with a drunk?

You might need an intervention more than him.

Answer 8

if he is nonviolent lay down the law give him an ultimatum. if he is violent leave him you don't need that now matter how good he has been in the past.

Answer 9

you do not need to intervene, confront or argue about his alcoholism you simply need to decide whether you are ready to devote your whole life to dealing with his drinking.....

Answer 10

Stage an intervention whilst he is at the pub pissing on with his mates.

Would be it very interesting that's for sure.