How do I answer their questions about their Daddy getting married?

Question

My children learned tonight that their father (my ex-husband) is going to marry his girlfriend. What do I tell them? How do I handle this? What are any negative signs I should look for -- isn't this one of those things that leads children astray? They are 6 and 8.

Thanks to all of you who answered me compassionately. He told them last night, and they immediately called me and told me. My youngest said "Daddy is getting married and I think its GROSS!", my oldest said she did not yet know what to think about it (she is the one I am going to worry about). I told them both to just ask me if they had any questions and they said they would. The funny thing is, they have told me in the past that they never want ME to get married again (unless its to their Daddy) -- why is it ok in their eyes for him to remarry, but not me?

I know that there is a Divorce-Care class for kids, called Kid-Care, I believe -- has anyone out there utilized this, and how was it? I'm just not looking forward to years of counseling because we screwed up their lives, IYKWIM -- he was the one who left, not me! But in the end it was best...

Answer 1

You should let your kids know in plain English and without bias that their daddy is getting married to someone else he has chosen. Let them ask you any questions and be very honest, but avoid putting down your ex-husband or his fiancee. This can lead children astray if you feed them negative comments on their father and his soon to be new wife. Encourage your children to ask their father questions so that they can hear that he still loves and cares about them. My parents divorced when I was four or five and I remember my mother telling me that when two people don't get along it is better to walk away and find new people to be friends with rather than to stay and argue and continue to get mad at the same person. I believe that this holds true in all friendships.

Answer 2

How do you answer them? Honestly, that is how. Do not bash on their father (not saying that you do) and do not make their step parent out to be a bad person. Both of my parents got remarried, one when I was six and one when I was five. I hated my first step-mom (I am on number three now, if that tells you anything). She was down right mean to us, locking us outside to go play, forcing us to call her mom. If they are asking you the questions though there is a reason, do they feel as if they can't talk about it to dad. You may want to address that issue as well. If possible bring him in on the conversations with your kids. You are now going from a family of four (you are still a family - even after the divorce - stress that with your kids too) to a family of five (unless she is bringing in kids too). This is going to be a difficult transition for all of you, the best way to handle it is to be open and communicate with your kids. Best of luck.

Answer 3

I would have the father, and you to explain. Do not make up anything or lie about anything. I think it is the best to tell your children the truth. You do not have to explain everything in detail. But i would make sure that they understood. You and your ex-husband could just sit them down together and explain. That would be great. But if not, I would let him explain most of it. But you are the mother. So I would explain some too.

Answer 4

Divorce is what messes 'em up and leads 'em astray. On average.

This is just another insult to the injury, another complication, another chance for them to not have a clue about how to have a stable family. Oh well.

What do you tell them? They already know.

What are they asking?

Just be nice about it. What else can you do? Their lives are already screwed up by the divorce, this is just one of the reasons why divorce is so very bad for kids.

Answer 5

You tell them " your father loves you both very much and he and (whatever her name is) are getting married". Then you tell them you both are very important to both of us and we will love you forever ok. They should understand and nod yes. Especially the 8 year old he or she should understand and can explain to the 6 year old. Don't beat around the bush just tell them like i said and everything should be alright. I am a counselor for the school system. Lots of luck. And remember to keep them in your faith. May God bless you and your children.

Answer 6

You being aware of the fact that you need to talk to them about it is a great first step. I would talk to them about their feelings for the fiancee and make sure they understand that she is in no way replacing you. I also think you need to make sure there father talks to them about it as well. The kids are probably most nervous about how its going to change their lives. So talk with your ex and his fiancee and lay out how everything is going to work and what the kids will call her and such.

Answer 7

I would recommend that there father explain things to them. If he's a concerned parent, he would want the best for them and find the most decent way to tell them.

Answer 8

Just tell them the truth. Then if they have questions answer, if they don't, go on with something else. They will be more impacted by your acting weird than anything else.

Answer 9

well for starters there shouldnt be a problem if they were involved with there father and his g/f then why should it matter if they get married if they werent then just tell them that you and your ex love them very much just not each other any more...

Answer 10

why should that lead them astray, you arent married to him anymore, go out and find yourself a man, geeze they understand you arent married to him dont they????