What is the funnest joke you ever heard.The one that makes me laugh out loud well be the best answer.But make it simple.
2007-01-06 16:16:04 · 18 answers · asked by ♥sweety♥ 1 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.
"I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
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2007-01-06 16:18:18 · answer #1 · answered by j_kuemmel02 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Baked Beans
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2007-01-07 02:21:34 · answer #2 · answered by water 1 · 4⤊ 0⤋
A city boy decided to quit the rat race and bought himself a farm, which included a few sows. He wanted to breed the sows, but had no idea how to go about it. His neighbor volunteered his boars for the job, and told the city boy to bring them over in the pickup the next day. In the afternoon when he went to pick them up, the city boy asked how he would be able to tell if the sows were impregnated. He was told to look and see where they were early in the morning. If they were up on the hill, they were pregnant; if they were in the sty, it hadn't worked. The next morning, he leapt from the bed and looked up the hill, but alas the pigs were down in the mud. Grumbling, he loaded them back into the pickup and headed for the neighbors. The following three mornings were just the same; he would leap from the bed, look up the hill, find the pigs down in the mud and have to return them to the neighbors to let the boars have another shot at them. On the fifth morning, he looked up the hill, and there were no pigs. He looked down in the sty; still no pigs. He called to his wife, "Where the hell are the pigs today?" Amid hysterical laughter, she managed to choke out, "They're down in the truck, and the big one is honking the horn!"
Doin the laundry
This young couple got married. On their honeymoon they were very anxious to consummate the marriage because they were both virgins. They had saved themselves for the right partner and for marriage.
Because of their sexual inexperience they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "making love" or "having sex". This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept.
The first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They both had many years of pent up sexual frustration to expend so they "did the laundry" no less than 5 times that first night and finally fell asleep together completely exhausted.
In the middle of the night the new husband woke up and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her "can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired and all of this new abrasive activity had taken its toll on her body. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning.
A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. Her new
husband had saved himself for her for many years. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said "honey, I'm sorry I denied you...we can do the laundry again if you want" and he replied "that's OK.. it was a small load, I did it by hand."
2007-01-07 00:59:07 · answer #3 · answered by ஐ♥Gin♥ஐ 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
A Firefighter and his Wife were getting bored with each other so,
the Fireman decides that since everyone gets excited about a fire
He would use the BELL system at home. He gets home and tells His Wife," Honey when you here me yell ONE BELL, I want you to
go upstairs and get ready to make Love, when I yell TWO BELLS
I want you to turn the lights down low and get into bed, and when I yell THREE BELLS we're going to make made passionate love. So the next day, He comes thru the door and yells ONE BELL!, and the Wife ran up the stairs excited about what was to come.
TWO BELLS! She turns the lights down low and gets into bed,
He comes to the top of the stairs and yells THREE BELLS! and He starts makeing made passionate love to His Wife when She starts yelling FOUR BELLS, FOUR BELLS! confused the Husband looks at His Wife and says " Honey we don't have four
bells. She looks at Him and says, well there should be cause I need more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!!!!!!!!!!!.
Hope you enjoy!!
2007-01-07 01:54:34 · answer #4 · answered by Chuck-the-Duck 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
2007-01-07 01:00:34 · answer #5 · answered by Rickard 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I got a couple of jokes!
Q: What's the first thing Peter Brock heard when he got to heaven?
A:CRIKEY! You too!
Q: What's green & looks like a bucket?
A: A green bucket!
Q: What's red & looks like a bucket?
A: A green bucket in disguise!
Q: What is long, hard, and full of seamen?
A: A submarine!
And now, a blonde joke....
A blonde woman was so sick & tired of hearing blonde jokes that she dyed her hair dark brown.
One day, she was driving along in the country when she saw a farmer hearding his sheep, so she pulled over and greeted the farmer.
Looking at the sheep, she said "If I can guess how many sheep are in this flock, can I take one home with me?"
The farmer said "You'll never guess correctly, but okay..."
The blonde looked at the sheep and guessed "148 ?"
The farmer looked at her and said "How did you guess that! You're right!"
The blonde replied "Just a lucky guess..."
After inspecting the flock of sheep for a while, the blonde chose the cutest sheep she could find.
She put the sheep in her car and was ready to drive away when the farmer asked her "If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my sheep-dog back?"
ONE MORE BLONDE JOKE!
A blonde was driving along in the country when she saw another blonde woman in the middle of a field in a boat, rowing on dry land.
The first blonde leaned out of her car window and screamed "YOU MORON! IT'S IDIOTS LIKE YOU THAT GIVE BLONDE'S A BAD NAME!! IF I COULD SWIM, I'D COME OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR @SS!
hahahaha... Hope you liked my jokes!
2007-01-07 01:41:59 · answer #6 · answered by Woohoo! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A man and wife are arguing over what type of car to buy. The man says "We need something practical and inexpensive like a used pickup truck." The wife says, "I want a sports car."
They argue for months until the wife says, "My birthday is next week and you haven't gotten me a gift yet. You had better get me something that goes from zero to two hundred in 5 seconds!.
So the guy goes out and buys her a bathroom scale.
2007-01-07 00:21:18 · answer #7 · answered by yagman 7 · 4⤊ 2⤋
What's a Texas Tornado and a redneck divorce got in common?
No matter which one occurs someone is gonna lose a trailer. LoL!
Another one is What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur?
A Licalottapuss Ha Ha!!
2007-01-07 00:42:40 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."
"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the **** are you?" the man asks
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little bastards!"
2007-01-07 00:24:19 · answer #9 · answered by rachell ♫ 3 · 8⤊ 1⤋
One gay guy says to the other:
Gay 1 - do you wanna play hide and sick??
Gay 2 - yeah thatll be fun
Gay 1 - ok ill go and hide and if you can find me ill give you the best headjob of your life!!
Gay 2 - ok sounds Great quick go and hide.. oh no wait... What if i cant find You??
Gay 1 - Oh dont worry about that ill be behind the coach!!!
HAHAHAHHAAH
2007-01-07 00:27:29 · answer #10 · answered by Daniel C 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋