have a teenage stepson who I love to death but thankfully no longer lives with us...my husband and I want kids

Question

Ok...I guess this is my dilema...my husband has a 14 year old son from a previous marriage...less than a month after me and my husband got married he moved in with us...a year later he was out of my house...but then shortly later my husband deployed so we've never gotten to be "newlyweds". I don't think I had ever been that stressed before in my life...anyway...my husband and I want to have kids of our own...however, my sister-in-law seems to have it in her mind that b/c we could not "handle" a teen (he had not lived with his dad since he was a toddler) that we should not have our own kids...how do we get her to understand that if we have our own kids that they would be raised how we want to raise them...and they would grow up with our "routine" and not someone else's which would make it easier in the end...I know this is long...but basically how do we respond to her saying that we "shouldn't" have kids...

THANKS!!!!!

y'all are making me feel so much better right now...i think i was on the phone and apologizing to my mom a couple of times each week for being a pain when i was a teen...her response...the worst thing you ever did was not want to clean your room...i've told my husband that i don't mind if he comes to visit but that one of us would be at the house at all times...especially since he used to burn things in his bathroom...

Answer 1

Naturally, its your dilemma not hers so she should at least understand that. But explain it to her like you did above, you cant force someone to understand if they dont want to, but sounds like youre ready for a child. just make sure you get your "newlyweds" taken care of, cause after a baby, youll have a while before youll enjoy the couple thing again, since itll be a family
good luck.

Answer 2

As someone from a broken family with trouble siblings I can tell you stepparents general do treat their kids better. I'm not saying it's their fault because the kids from broken homes have trouble adjusting to different routines. I think you will do just fine with your owe kids but think you can do better with your step kids. If parents (biological) would grow up and work together on rules that are enforce at both houses they wouldn't have this problem. Kids from broken homes typically have trouble when they aren't feeling secure and they are feeling blamed and they are being used as weapons against the other parent. Unfortunately the stepparents don't have the long history with the kids and tend to say it's not their problem. I would look at the situation and ask yourself how you can make the situation better. Be the bigger person.
I don't agree with your sister-in-law saying that but maybe she's looking at it from the protective aunt side. She shouldn't judge your skills as a parent because you may be having trouble adjusting to a situation that you didn't cause and you don't know how the fix with the stepson.

Answer 3

Simple: Tell her that's it's none of her business. Just because you are her in-law gives her no right to try to run your life or stick her nose in your business.

I also have a stepson but he's 17-1/2. My wife and I want kids also (he is her only child and I have none of my own). We also had problems with him but he is finally ready to move out on his own when he turns 18.
My mother-in-law has always been down on us because of the problems that we had, but she has a son who has spent tons of time in prison (my brother-in-law) and a daughter who quit school because she became pregnant (my sister-in-law) and my wife was a hellion when she was young. These were all her kids but she had problems too! I finally got to the point of just telling her that unless she was paying all of our bills and we were living with her under her roof, that she should stay out of our marriage and life (unless we invited her and her comments).

I know it's hard sometimes with in-laws, but you have to stand up for yourself and also live your life without worrying about what other people think. As long as you're doing the right things then be confident that you'll be a good parent and leave the negativity behind!!!
Good Luck!!!!

Answer 4

im on sis and laws side but go ahead and have a baby if thats what u and he want u sound like ur asking her permission but sure enough that child will some day be a teenager and what shall u do i feel ur husband is responsible for this childs well being you make it sound like everything in ur marriage was due to this child ur wrong that child needs dad and u should have help support this childs behavior did u ever say i love u to the child let me know what "our routine" is so what if she says u shouldnt have a child are u guys readyy i still believe ur sister in law is right she must have children she knows both of u

Answer 5

Don't play into what she's saying....I too have a stepson who is now 14. He lived with us a year and a half and mid-summer decides he doesn't want to live with us any more...I have a 3 1/2 yr old and a 2 month old...My mother-in-law said that was why he left....

Don't let that keep you from having children....Just because he doesn't want to be there doesn't mean you guys can't handle a child........He's 14 & probably thinks he knows more than you (if he's like mine)....

Answer 6

Why are you listening to someone else's opinion? No one has the right to tell you and your husband that you shouldn't have kids - especially if you are competent and loving adults. Tell your sister in law that if she has nothing positive to say then to please keep it to herself. There is a BIG difference between raising your own kids and taking on a kid who is 14 and has been raised by someone else all his life. Your sister in law has no idea what she is talking about and has a lot of nerve saying you shouldn't have kids. Ignore her, tell her to mind her business, and go about your life the way you and your husband want to live it.

Answer 7

I haven't read the other responses but I am sure they are along the same lines as mine - it is none of her business! What a b-word! You are a much nicer person than I am to let her continually tell you that you shouldn't have children of your own.

It seems like you were a wonderful stepmother. You invited his son into your home and tried to guide him BUT he didn't want to live by your house rules. As a teenager, he decided that he would live else where. He had other options that better suited what he wanted. They probably weren't the best options but you didn't have a choice.

You are still saying that he is welcome to visit your home after being destructive. Sounds like a caring parent to me.

I wish you the best of luck in life and hope that you have your own little ones to chase after soon.

Take Care,
SD

Answer 8

First, tell her to mind her own business. If she has teens, ask her if she could handle them if she hadn't raised them. Or ask if she could handle caring for a teen who is a total stranger, which your step-son was when he moved in with you. There is a big difference in raising a baby to a teen and taking in a teen who you don't know.

If all else fails, just smile and say, "Well, at least we know not to ask you to be the godmother," then change the subject.

Answer 9

Tell her to mind her own business. Not only was he a teen, but he was having to deal with a step parent in the picture. Having children should be a decision that is between you and your husband. Ignore her comments or just walk off. Arguing with her only adds fuel to her fire.

Answer 10

its not your sister in laws business for one thing. Its not her life or her decision. Do you tell her how to live her life? If you do I doubt she listens.
Instant teen is not the same as gradually working your way toward being the parent of a teen.
Have as many kids as you want. Tell her to stuff it.