How do I help with guilt, future in-laws and moving away?

Question

My BF blames himself for everything. He also comes from a large family who treat him like the family scapegoat.
Guilty that all of his siblings are moving away and that he would like to do this as well but feels that he would be abandoning his parents. He feels that everyone else has left them and now he is going to be the ultra-bad guy for leaving if he goes. I am sure that they don't feel this way but he brings these thoughts on to himself. How do I help him get a clue that some of his other siblings should pick up the slack when the time comes to care for aging parents? If he is always around to pick up the slack, they will expect him to pick up the slack. How do I help him stop this self guilt maddness?

Answer 1

What I suggest doing is help your bf get a backbone to stand up to his family, they lived their lives and are expecting him to NOT live his? Why? They are all adults and are not going to die if he leaves to live his own dreams and reach his own goals, tell him that he needs to get used to this idea because otherwise what is he going to do if he doesnt break away? Just be there living in their basement while he gets calls from his brothers and sisters hearing about how great their life is because they werent going to let anyone stop them from living, I mean it should be ok with his parents if they truly love him, if he doesn't do this they I suggest that you leave him because you will go nowhere fast and who knows how much he will let them control of his life. Good luck

Answer 2

Wow, this ones pretty deep....
1) He is entitled to a life... period.
2) His desire to "be there" for his parents is commendable and honorable, however, that is not something that should prevent him from having his own life (or your life together)..
3) If his parents are laying the guilt trip on him, that is not o.k. and it is certainly not very mature of them... I would have that kind of talk with them... THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THAT!!!!!!
4) He is only abandoning the parents if in fact he is abandoning them... Moving away from home, standing on your own two feet being a responsible adult is a most normal thing to do.
- Personal growth and independence is a good thing....
- If the parents don't get that then they are broken... I wouldn't go much beyond the discussion with them about that... If he's the last to go, then they should have learned the "let go" lesson a long time ago... If they have not then they probably never will... IT'S NOT HIS (OR YOUR) PROBLEM... IT'S THEIRS... PERIOD.
- good luck

Answer 3

There is not a lot you can do.This is his family.Give him support.Icome from a large family.Its not his lot to take on therole of caring for parents.He needs to remember that he has his own life to live ..Is there another family member of his that you can talk to that he is close to?

Answer 4

He needs to seek help from a professional.