My Father died 3 months ago and my Mother is now 90 years old. She sometimes wants to stay in her home by herself. She changes her mind a lot. I want her to move to and Independent Retirement Community near her church and friends -- especially since her neighborhood is extremely dangerous, with gangs roaming the streets, and where there was an attempted break-in at her house. She sees the dangers and tentatively agreed, but my sister-in-law convinced her she should stay there alone anyway. Now my Mother thinks I'm trying to "put her in a home" and thinks she can safely stay at her home. (Everyone except my sister-in-law and brother agree with me that the independent living place would be best.) I've been beating my head against a brick wall and getting no where. I've decided to just let them have their way, but I worry about my Mother's safety and her loneliness. Any suggestions about how to deal with this situation?
2007-01-06 11:18:37 · 20 answers · asked by selfgovt 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE HOME AND TAKE HER OVER THERE FOR A TOUR AND A MEAL. THEY ARE SO NICE AND HAVE SO MANY THINGS FOR THE PEOPLE TO DO AND VISIT WITH. SOUNDS LIKE IT'S THE BEST FOR HER.
2007-01-06 11:22:22 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
You should not let her stay in her home at that advanced age. Not to mention the danger in the area in which she lives.
Your sister-in-law and brother probably are afraid it will cost them money out there pocket or will waste her estate.
It's best she go to a independent retirement community. I'd get the assistance of others to help convince her it's best to go to the retirement community.
My wife had this identical situation with her mother who is 78, this past summer. Now that she's in the retirement center she likes it very much, has more activities to involve herself with and is much healthier since she arrived.
Tell those who oppose this they are being very selfish on this issue.
One more thing that may help. Most every state has law's on the books that require family members to be held accountable if something bad happens to an elderly parent. Our state does, and if someone reports this to the authorities it could very well mean that her children could be charged with elder neglect.
2007-01-06 11:27:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you tried having a meeting with all the family (except your mom) to find out exactly WHY your brother and his wife feel she should remain in her own home?
Are they afraid that her home will be sold and the proceeds will go to the retirement community? Are they worried about their "inheritance?" If the home is your mother's then she can do what she wants with it.
Are they worried that she won't like the retirement community and they will end up having her in one of your homes?
Has your mother actually visited the place you would like her to move to? Maybe some of her church friends live there? If she knows some of the people, it might make it easier to convince her.
Is it possible to have someone live with her in her home? Maybe a relative? In some communities there is an agency who deals with elderly people --they may have programs to help her remain in her home.
At the least, you can make sure her house has very good locks and that she does not have to go anywhere alone. Make sure she has a cordless phone and a way to carry it with her everywhere in the house.
2007-01-06 12:22:10 · answer #3 · answered by Marilyn E 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you have to understand that There's No Place Like Home. She's 90, and even though the neighborhood is not great--its home. I think you should leave her alone and not force her to be in some strange place around sick old people. Would YOU want to live there? Keep in mind that your Dad just died, so your Mom is going to feel like she's losing everything--her husband, her home.
Maybe your mom is eligible for a home health aid to come over and clean and do things around the house. Just because your Mom is 90 doesnt mean she isnt sharp and smart. Gerald's Fords wife Betty Ford was all on the news, and she's almost 90--but she's sharp & healthy. Do you think she wants to pack up and leave her house she shared with Gerald?
As for the neighborhood being bad, I think people sometimes overreact to bad neighborhoods. I live in an upper class suburb now--but I grew up in the ghetto and my Grandma still lives there. Yes, there are car break in's here & there--but its still home for my Grandma. She still has her neighbors and nobody has gotten killed. As far as someone breaking into your Moms house, can you buy Mom a dog? It could be a friend to her and give her something to do.
Good Luck
2007-01-06 12:04:53 · answer #4 · answered by Victory 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say she has friends at the retirement home you want her to go to. Talk to them at the retirement home to see if she could not just go for a visit but maybe spend the weekend. She can finish her little get away after she goes to church on sunday. Maybe once she sees the convenience and sees how much fun she can have, she may make up her own mind. Is the problem with your brother and sister-in-law a financial issue? Maybe they can't afford to pay their share to have her there or don't want to admit that they can't afford it?! Talk to your brother and mother alone to see what they want without interferience from in-laws, they don't love her like you do, and for some reason some just can't shut up and stay out of it. Good Luck! =)
2007-01-06 12:03:56 · answer #5 · answered by DB 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello, I have been in a similar situation with an elderly, lonely mother and I understand what you must be going through. My mum suffered from dementia and was always asking the same questions over and over. I wish to God I had had more patience with her, that I told her I loved her a few more times before it was too late. She passed away on December 1st 2006 after a failed bowel operation. I watched helplessly as her life slipped away, I held her hand. She died just after her 83rd birthday. So, my advice to you is to make the most of your mum, don't allow them to put her in a home if she is still capable of looking after herself because that will only shorten her life. Maybe you could put her in a retirement village where there are plenty of people and doctors around to keep an eye on her. I think you need to move her to a safer place, but not a home because that will kill her. Always tell her you love her because you don't know if it will be the last time you are able to say it. It was too late for me, but I love and miss my mum so much!! Take care.................
2007-01-06 11:53:22 · answer #6 · answered by Linda A 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it is a "true Retirement Community" I would push for it. Good Communities always welcome visitors to tour the place. Take your mother and let her see. Reiterate how close she is to her friends and Church.
At 90, healthy or not, in a neighborhood like that, she should never be alone.
Question is, is she taking care of other things herself or are you? i.e. finances, groceries etc. If sis-in-law and your brother are balking, they just might be afraid of other things. I don't know about your relationship with your brother, but lets be honest, his wife has no say so, she should never have interfered. This should be between you and him. Do not let them have their way. I do speak from experience. Contact me if you want to talk. I wish you the best.
2007-01-06 11:53:19 · answer #7 · answered by Emma J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi. It really depends on what country you live in. In England, you should contact your local social services department and ask for a care management assessment. Whatever decision is made, your mother will have to consent and it will have to be her choice. Social Services can give information impartially, and also suggest other options which may allow her to live in her own home safely. If she has money, it may be that she would have to fund herself, otherwise if you are looking for her being funded by the local authority, she would have to meet their eligiblity criteria, which is quite strict. Suggest the retirement village when everything is calm and suggest that she go with you to have a look around and spend some time there...you never know, she may enjoy it. Never make it your decision...it has to be hers.
2007-01-06 12:13:49 · answer #8 · answered by crispy duck 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess I believe that one's children should take care of the parents in a situation like this. I took care of my mother until she passed away. She died in my arms after four years of nursing and caring for her. The last few months that she lived, she wasn't able to move anything on her body except her eyes. She was like an infant for two years. If I had it to go back over again, I would do the same thing. I had a supportive husband and children. Although, it physically and mentally took it's toll on me, I am thankful to God that He gave me the strength and love to be there the last four years of my mother's life. I sacrificed 4 years of mine as many would call it sacrifice...I call it love and devotion. As, for your brother and his wife....maybe there needs to be a family conference and find more love between the two parties to do what is best for your mother. I have no regrets and hope that the two of you can unselfishly come to a positive conclusion. God bless....
2007-01-06 13:40:50 · answer #9 · answered by freedomrings 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You didn't say where you and Cait live, but if you are in the United States, have Cait call or visit the county department for aging, or if there isn't one, the county health department. They can step in and help with home care for the grandmother or relocation to a facility where proper care can be provided. A county social worker can help Cait manage the details and assist her with her own problems as well as those of the grandmother. You are a good friend to step in and seek help.
2016-05-23 00:08:03 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I would tell your brother that if mom gets sick or hurt she can move into their house. They are just afraid if she goes to a home the state will take her money and house. You should have your mom sign over her house to both you and your brother and maybe get a live in help for her that way she will not lose her house. Also talk to a finicial planner
2007-01-06 11:23:02 · answer #11 · answered by iseemen 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋