My 20 year old daughter is dating a 30 year old who has named his car and buys his car shoes. Should I worry?

Question

His name on his MySpace identifies his as the owner of the car - not one word about my daughter. His business cars are pictures of his car. He belongs to a car club. And, oh yeah, he served time for vehicular homicide for killing a 16 year old while driving 80 and hitting her car and car and injuring her passenger, too. He has a suspended license to drive to and from work which he ignores to go out with my daugher. My daughter is lying to me about lots of things now and is not the same person that I thought I knew. I pay for college, her car, insurance, and her home during breaks. She is 20 and I do not want to completely turn her away, but her academics have gone downhill since she has started dating him. Should I let her just sink or swim and hope that what I taught her will ultimately carry her through; should I take away all her support and have her make it all on her own (he lives at home because he lost everything in a civil court case); what do you think?

Answer 1

We are Mothers, therefore we worry. Tough love sister. What I mean, STOP paying for everything. Her insurance, her car, everything! She wants to stand on her own, live her life - not listening to you. Being with a man(yea right) that is totally wrong - in every way. I would tell her you will pay when she is serious about life. Plain and simple. Yes, it seems a sort of blackmail, but you hold the key. Good luck dear, write me if you need.

Answer 2

A Mother's worst nightmare. I am sorry you are going through this. I know just what you mean. It is so hard to see our lovely daughters date morons. I remember it well. For some reason your daughter is not seeing that she deserves better than this. A 30 year old man can be pretty persuasive. My daughter is in her mid 30's now but when she was 19 she dated a 30 year old. I tried talking to her but, of course, she knew everything. She got pregnant and had an abortion, which he paid for. She almost flunked out of college. I suggested that she get some counseling and found a great therapist for her and she went for about 6 months. I told her I would pay for the visits. She dumped this guy in about 3 weeks of counseling and never looked back. She is now married to a great guy and they raise horses together. Your daughter needs to think more of herself. I would encourage counseling. You would need to find a good therapist that she could talk to and feel comfortable with. If this does not work then I would stop supporting her until she can come to her senses. She must be a smart girl to be in college. I don't envy your position. It's hard to make these young women see what they are worth. I wish you well.

Answer 3

I am assuming that the agreement with your daughter was to keep her grades up and you would support her during college. Tell her that her grades have to be a B average or above. Or whatever you feel her best would be; or your taking away any extra spending monies that you may be giving her. This doesn't mean insurance, this means the cell phone, credit cards, and cash. She has to come to some realization that this guy is not too good for her and that she deserves better, and her grades are suffering. Make sure she is aware of how you feel, in a calm adult manner. Then if she chooses to be indignant about making the right decision there really isn't too much you can do about it. The agreement was to help her if she kept up her grades and in all actuality thats all you probably can request from her considering her age.

Answer 4

Daughters will be daughters, when a young lady sets her sights on a man there is no telling her what to do. The more you tell her that he is no good for her the more she will gravitate towards him, sometimes kids have to learn the hard way.

As to her college grades etc. what you can do is give her an ultimatum as you are paying the bills, I would suggest that you tell her something along the lines of if her grades do not improve by the next semester it would mean the end of your funding her college and suggest to her that she may want to think over the direction her life is taking maybe college is not right for her at this time be gentle because you want to be there for her when it all falls apart.

Good luck, if you are a praying person say a special prayer for her each night asking the lord to guide her.

Answer 5

This is a difficult situation to be on; on both sides!

I was 19 and was dating a guy that was bad for me. You know the way he left me? Pregnant! With low self-esteem and a battered body. My university grades were so low I just dropped out. I cried through my pregnancy, the birth, 9 weeks in the hospital (preemie baby), and for 3.5 years after my kid was born. I cried every day until I got some heavy counselling and a high dosage of anti-dep meds.

This guy isn't good for your daughter, but she will just resent you if you step in an give her restrictions - can you live with that?
I would tell you to make sure she's on birth control, using protection at all times, and knows the risks in relation to abuse, drugs and alcohol. These guys tend to be smarmy and charming in the beginning but eventually he'll turn posessive. He'll keep her from her friends and her family and the abuse will truly start.

Unfortunately, there's little you can do without her viewing you as an interferring b****. She's young and naive and caught up in a romance that isn't really good for...it just makes it more exciting at that age.

I guess you need to look at the relationship you have with her. Can it mend itself after you take away things from her in order to get her to do what you want? Is she the type of girl to hold it against you forever? Or will she one day understand that he really is a jerk (and he is!) and be thankful that you stepped in?
I think you need to do something...but it might just be sitting her down and pointing out all the bad things and mentioning that you can take things off her. She'll be angry, but hopefully she'll accept it for what it is.

I hope things work out and you can get your daughter away from this guy.

BTW: I'm back in uni and nearly finished a BA with a triple major, I work and am a single Mum with a highly intelligent kid going into Grade 2. Life couldn't be better for us. My relationship ran its course, and the outcome at the time was horrific and terrifying, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Answer 6

Obviously this guy isn't the best choice for your daughter and she is probably attracted to him and the sense of excitement that he has around him. The good news is that 20 year olds are fickle and she may tire of him soon.

If you tell her not to see him, there is a chance she will continue to see him just to be spiteful. I wouldn't take away all her support but I would absolutely curtail. You may want to have her become responsible for paying for her college classes. She may appreciate it more and work harder if she has to fund some of her own education. You may also ask her to help pay for the cost of groceries and utilities when she is home. After all, if she is thinks she is adult enough to date a 30 year old, she is adult enough to share expenses.

Lastly, you can calmly share your concerns with her. Tell her how much you love her and care about her and her future. Tell her that she deserves to spend her time with someone who treats her and others respectfully. She may be angry and pull away from you temporarily but you sound as if you did a good job raising her to this point and eventually she'll understand what your saying.

Answer 7

That's a tough question but unfortunately it really must deal with you wanting a relationship with you daughter. By taking her support away or even bashing her boyfriend that might cause you two to have issues and ultimately have her cut you out of her life. Than who will she go to when this creep breaks her heart? I know it's hard but keep your peace and just be there for her; she'll need you later on. I hope this helps!

Answer 8

She is 20, it's her life to ruin if she wishes to do so. At 18 you became a spectator in her life. That is the harsh answer, but it is truthful.

You can't shelter her from the world forever, and some lessons must be learned by practical experience. Just make sure she is on birth control.

Answer 9

Naw, just carry on the way you are being a damn fool, paying for everything while she's out tramping around with a freaking loser and felon.

Paying for shitty grades and lies is a wonderful decision. I'm still pissed at that my dad wouldn't pay for shitty grades that I had to get good grades or I was going to flipping burgers for my life.


Get some balls and lay down some rules instead of being a wimp.

Answer 10

WEll she's an adult now... hope that what you've taught her she's at least listened to half of it. He sounds like a loser to me...(being honest). Vehicular homicide?? speeding going 80.... thats one accident that could have been prevented if he wasn't driving like an @ss. I hope she wises up....that alone would send me running. Not that accidents don't happen..but he was irresponsible. Yep..he's a loser....give her some time..she has got to see the same thing that we do!! :)