***Rate my essay - Based on true life drama*** Created by 17yr old girl.?

Question

A piercing scream cut through the air and made my heart freeze. The sounds of anguished cries and lamentation flooded the place. All around, people were scattered. The atmosphere was a regular Mediterranean evening - warm and motionless, little did I know that my world was about to be shattered forever...
I looked up at her colourless face and tried to be brave…"I will not let them take you." I whispered bravely in to her ear, touching on what was the worst of her fears. "Even if it is the last thing I must do." I knew it was already too late, yet, I clenched onto the little hope I had left.
“My son, oh, my sweetheart, no…”In shackles beside the auctioning block the fair, dark-haired woman wept. Her handlers were brute and intolerant of her sorrow and one of the pair of burly men slapped her across the face to shut her up. The blow caused her to stumble and fall, landing on her back and thus on her hands, the binders cutting into the soft flesh of her wrists... (continued below)

I bit my lip, the anger penetrated deep within me. I could bear the sight of my precious mother being agonized, no more! I wanted this to end. Supposedly this war was to protect a far away country who felt threatened by the powers here. The nightmare of losing my beloved father still tormented my now, faint heart. Flashbacks kept replaying in my mind, the blood seeping from his stomach and dripping from his back, despite his intense pain, he showed little emotion. I remember my father’s gentle eyes gazing deep into my beautiful mother’s, his last words were designed to comfort… “Someday we will be together again…” and he breathed no more. “Hos...ni...? HOSNI! Hosssnnnniii! NO!” My mother cried… before bursting out into a fury of tears.
Dad was gone forever.

I could not lose my mother too. She clutched my hand; I looked into her violet eyes, once filled with happiness and joy, now replaced with pain and sorrow. I was unable to resist any longer, I broke away and (continued)

(continued from above) ...and seized hold of what seemed like a weapon – a weighty rod standing nearby. Suitable enough. I rushed forth towards the brawny solider, trying to pierce it deep into him, only to be violently thrown aside.

I watched as one of the handlers pulled my mother roughly to her feet. “No!” I hissed angrily. With solemn steps she was forced to follow the two soldiers, who were, in my eyes, nothing but ruthless villains. “Murderers!” I exclaimed in outrage! It was all too late…

The sound of footsteps could be heard through the door as the pace quickened before fading out completely, I knew… she would never return. “Mama, NO….! Mama, Please!” I screamed in pain, my heart throbbed, my tender life of 9 little years on this earth were ruined. I would never live in joy again!

I watched from a distance as she was led away, I wept bitterly…

Answer 1

All I understood:
Your father was killed, and your mother carried off in shackles, and you are tormented by it.
Understandably so.
The only clue to where this is taking place, is the Mediterranean atmosphere.
But where ?
What country ?
What century ?
What war ?
Why did they kill your father ?
Your mother mistreated by soldiers, but you can move at will.
Why are you not in bondage ?
You are very talented and express emotions well.
A writer writes.

Answer 2

It is very well written. Outstanding transitions and word choice. However, I would recommend using more emothioning words as this is drama which is relatively related to your emotions. Poetry is like that too. If you're performing this, use body movements that fit in with what is happening and close your eyes on the sorrowful parts such as the woman that is crying. This is very good drama that I can probably never write that good. I usually use scripts written by actual authors. Hey you can become an author!

Answer 3

My first question may well be "what's the purpose of your essay?" It reads only like a commute brochure or a toruism internet site, unlike an essay, so so which you may to alter that kind of tone for an essay. is this the creation? if so, you need to to place in writing an introductory paragraph to precede those, as you look to bounce as we talk into the physique of the essay. The content itself is nice, yet listed here are some everyday techniques for ameliorations. South Africa welcomes travelers with heat temperature and truthful hospitality. The atmosphere is breathtaking the hospitality is 2nd to none! the place else do you discover wild animals, a surprising sea coast, mountains and the astounding selection of four ethnic communities and twelve cultural communities? (you discover all of that for the time of Canada, united states, and fairly some different worldwide places. In an essay be careful of such extensive statements that can not be shown.) South Africa has greater mammals than North and South usa mixed and table Mountain on my own has greater plant species than the united kingdom! South Africans are a different peopel. You won’t discover anybody fairly like them everywhere else interior the international. They’re pleased, beneficiant and spontaneous. They chuckle at themselves, and at everybody else, and are international champions at smiling because of the fact they’re not afraid to education in public. foreign places, you won’t discover human beings smiling fairly as (persevered).. (it incredibly is a touch extensive fact to declare you will not discover people who smile as lots everywhere else interior the international. I even have met people who're "all smiles" international extensive and in distinctive cultures. back, this thinking and expression makes it sound like a tourism brochure, fairly than very own techniques.) so far you have noted the actual attractiveness and the outward happiness of the human beings, superficial factors incredibly. Make a connection to lifestyle - why human beings might elect to work out South Africa for the approach of existence and for the human factors. you will possibly be able to desire to get slightly deeper. so far, so good. nevertheless desires some artwork and additionally you will possibly be able to desire to place a sprint greater of your self into the essay. do not quote information - that may not be what's needed in this variety of essay. Write greater from the middle, collectively as preserving the numerous factors of interest South Africa has to furnish the tourist in techniques. i think you have persevered this in yet another question? superb of success with the essay. Take care.

Answer 4

Wow. It sounds really good but I dont understand it.

Answer 5

real nice save it may come in handy in the future

Answer 6

c- You need names, places and things. Asap. it is way too general, who was the woman you wispher to, her name, age, status, your name, age status, father name, age status, Where the drama takes place, what is it about. why are you on that situation. etc. you need to bring it to life, nice narrative, but lacks life.

Answer 7

It's too melodramatic