This is very personal, ashamed to share, but i am at my wits end?

Question

My son was a good lad, he joined the army at 16, excelled, he went all over the world, doing all sorts, jumping out of planes, bull run in spain etc. I was so proud! He was posted to Iraq, excelled there as well, aged 18, was put up for promotion. He suffered an ambush, was nearly killed, saw horrors of war that day. He left the forces on medical grounds, got help, but it was brief. He is now like someone i don`t recognise, he is always in trouble with the law, never out of court, he is violent, aggressive, and i think he is proud of the way he acts now. He seems to relish in being put through the courts, i think he has gone nuts. I am so worried, i have got him in with a psychiatrist, but he is like an uncontrollable animal, it is killing me. He rang me tonight, almost proud, cause he got arrested again last night. i weep, he is on self destruct, he is only 21 now, but has no respect for anyone anymore, especially the law. Where will this end?

I still love him more than life, i am so worried for his future, i have talked till i am blue in the face, but he just carries on. How can i help him?

Answer 1

He seems to be in "war mode" still. Apparently he likes to go to the extreme even in sports. Encourage him to do extreme sports where he can let out that rage he feels inside. Apparently he has seen the most worse of the human being as a soldier and has no goals in life. He may also have a chemical imbalance. He really needs therapy since he is out of control. Try to get him to see a therapist and take up some extreme sport; also have him write down any goals he may have in life and try to achieve them...

Answer 2

Well firstly just ignore that S*** Ma D*** idiot with that pathetic attempt at a helpful response. Some people just come on here to upset people.

No wonder you are at your wits end, but try to remember that your son is just obviously trying to forget what awful things have happened to him or that he has seen in Iraq. He is so young to be posted there, 18 is no age to be seeing such stuff. It's no wonder he has gone off the rails really. I am sure there are not many young 18 year olds that could see that stuff and not be affected.

I would say you should contact the Army and see what help they can offer, after all they must have professionals that deal with this type of thing. It may be that he is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Maybe the lack of respect is down to what he has seen, or the fact that the Army were so quick to wash their hands of him. They should have given him more help and maybe he thinks that too.

I just feel so sorry for you and for your son. He has risked his life for this country and this is how he has been paid. It just doesn't seem fair.

You obviously love him so much and want to do whatever it takes to help him - as most mothers love their children, I know I would do anything for mine. Let him know that you are there for him,tell him you love him (not that I am saying you don't do this). He obviously loves you, as you said he phoned you tonight. You might not have wanted the news, but what other boys at 21 phone their mum.s. Not so many I bet, it would be far too 'un cool'.

You just carry on being a loving Mum and hopefully with the right help, your son will make you proud of him again.

Hang on in there, and best of luck. I hope you both find happiness.

Answer 3

First of all, I am so sorry about this, you sound desperate for help. This sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A very common, but nasty psychological reaction to seeing nasty things Your brain has a hard time processing the information, and the side effects can be devastating..Anger is the most common symptom of this illness, uncontrolled rage in some cases, such as your sons. Frequently this personality change is drastic, as you know. Often the sufferrer will turn to drugs, in a vain attempt to alleviate his pain and confusion. I wish I knew more about this, this is what I've read. You should contact the Veterans Administration about your son. They are familiar with treatment options and he should qualify. If he becomes violent, call your local Mental Health hotline. They can assess him and if need be, admit him for a 72 hour hold. This may be the only way to get him seen, as I don't think he'll go willingly. Good luck and I hope this helps. Email me if your'e wanting just to talk. I have friends that are VA patients. [e-mail]

Answer 4

Sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which can affect some "mental" types more than others. He sounds like an adrenaline junkie who needs someone to throw bombs at him for the rest of his life. He has come back from all that on the edge stuff and is casting around for trouble because he needs it like a drug. Have you been in touch with any Exservicemens oranisations ? This is not uncommon with people who have been trained to kill and are familiar with living as if each day might be the last and there is specialist help available. The problem is he is enjoying hurting everyone who wants to try to help him ,ie you , and so it will be difficult for him to be helped. He may have to be taken away for a while to be readjusted.

Answer 5

I feel very much for you..and your son. I have no experience in psychology but am going to answer because of things that I have read about and seen.1) The most obvious thing is, your son was doing so well, being proud of himself and making you proud, doing something that he loved and it was all taken from him.. 2) The atrocities that he witnessed that day, I can only imagine....But the one thing that rings a bell with me here is the change in him doesn't just sound rebellious or as if he has given up, it actually sounds as though he has changed personality. You haven't, understandably, included in your question what injuries he received, but this change in personality is so very much documented alongside personality change. I have read books and seen documentaries about people that have had a head trauma....one in particular was a guy in a car crash that hit his head but had NO outside sign of injury, no blood, no cut, but his brain had rattled inside his skull and damaged a tiny part (which is the personality section). This may be something that could be looked into. I am so sorry.

Answer 6

His response could be related to post-traumatic stress. If he is non-communicative about his feelings he is probably hiding from his own fear. By dominating his environment and challenging the authorities he is avoiding emotional realities - reasserting himself after being "shaken". Medical help is essential. The army should take responsibility for the situation. Unfortunately, too often, our soldiers are sent to do the work for dishonest politicians and the situation chews them up and spits them out. The idea that trained killers, some with mental or self-esteem problems, can be dumped into society without the proper back-up, seems ludicrous.
Also, a soldier friend of mine pointed out that there is a security in army discipline that the wider society lacks. This makes coming out of the army very challenging for some soldiers and can lead to depression, drink or drug problems as their sense of identity is lost in a society that often seems to lack respect and honour.

Answer 7

Dear Shalama,
My heart goes out to you for the changes in your son's life due to the war. It is very painful isn't it to watch someone that you love dearly in a self destructive course. It is great that he is willing to see a psychiatrist.

I wholeheartedly support the idea that it would be very helpful for you to find a therapist while you go through this. He or she can help you with your grief and pain and also help you set good emotional and physical boundaries in dealing with your son so that you don't get danced all over the place by his out of control behavior and to help you find and keep some serenity. I think he will need psychiatric help and counceling for a while and maybe support from other vets who've shared his experiences.

My heart and hopes for you,
River

Answer 8

You need not be ashamed of relating this problem. I'm a veteran and know the VA provides help for troubled veterans. This sounds to me like "impulsive or self destructive behavior" associated with "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". If you would contact the Veterans administration they will give you information on how you can get your son in a rehabilitation program. Above all don't be ashamed of your son; he needs help.

Look in your local telephone directory for the nearest VA hospital and call them for information or go to:
http://va.gov and follow the instructions to get the info you need.

Answer 9

You poor thing, I really feel for you. This behaviour happened to a Vietnam vet friend of mine, he said that because he had faced death it was like an Adrenalin rush to him and coming home was boring, he acted out to get that rush back. The army is structured in a way that it brain washes you into believing that you are almighty and you have the capacity to kick **** whenever and wherever you want. I would contact a Veterans affairs office for advice, I'm certain this behaviour is not out of the ordinary for them. Good luck, take care.

Answer 10

That is a lot for anyone to go through give him all the support you can and put your trust in the professional people dealing with him if your not happy with the care he is receiving do not be afraid to get a second opinion but at the same time don't neglect your own health and welfare this is not all about him. Good luck.