How do I get my mother-in-law to stop lying about me, causing trouble, and to acknowledge her grand daughter?

Question

For the past three years my mother-in-law has been causing trouble for me and my husband. I married her youngest son, all was well at first then we had a baby (which she swears isn't her sons because she looks like me not him) she never liked my husbands ex-wife then all of the sudden they became like best friends. The ex goes there for holidays, they talk on the phone etc etc.....this hurts us. My husband doesnt feel welcomed at his mothers anymore at holidays because the ex is always there. She has done a criminal back ground check on me (mine is clean) but found a person with a similar name and said it was me!!! She won't call the house, she only calls my husbands cell phone (its for work) she has seen our daughter once in the past two and 1/2 years. She sends Christmas gifts for us with my husbands ex-wife! She sent her gifts from us back this year stating they wouldnt fit. I am hurt about this and my husband and my relationship has become strained over this, any suggestions?

Answer 1

Sounds to me like you are letting your mother-in-law pull your strings. It is unfortunate, but sometimes mothers just won't let go of their grown children. Talk with your husband about the unhappy influence his mom is having over your marriage. If he can see how unhappy you are and that you are perfectly happy with him, there could be a wonderful healing in your relationship. Just show her respect without anger and don't allow yourself to get upset over stuff she does. That's why she does it, because she knows it will make you unhappy. By making you unhappy, you will bring it up to your husband and make him unhappy. When the two of you become unhappy enough, you will divorce and she will get her own way, once again. You can just step back and watch it all happen and just don't get involved in the situation any longer. Good luck.

Answer 2

WOW! Sounds like my sister's mother-in-law, except for the ex-wife complication. You might consider being friends with the ex-wife - not buddy-buddies, just friends.
It is up to your husband to tell his mother to back off, not yours. He needs to be a man and tell her that he is tired of her behavior and will not be seeing her or answering her calls until her behavior changes. That is what a real man would do.
Do not accept any gifts from her - don't even open them. Just write return to sender on them and send them back. Tell the ex-wife that you would appreciate it if she no longer acted as the mother-in-law's pawn.
He could also tell her that if she doubts the paternity of her grandchild, she can pay for DNA test. If she doesn't want to do that, then she is only using it as an excuse to hate any woman who would take her "baby" away from her. (Remember, she probably didn't like the ex-wife until AFTER she was no longer his wife.)
She has torn up her grand-mother card and will be sorry in the end. Once or twice a year, send her pictures of the three of you. One at Christmas time and one at your daughter's birthday. You don't NEED to have any further contact than that to "honor" her.

Answer 3

This is a very sad situation. I am sorry this is happening. It can cause great problems when their are problems with the in-laws. I have seen this first hand. When my husbands mother tried to break us up because my husband did not listen to her anymore. He listened to me. She resented this. Needless to say it also branched out on my daughter. Needless to say we dont have much of a relationship. We had no contact for 13 years. This year she is back in our lives. I think she has learned she cant push us around. I know its his mother but you are his wife. He needs to put a stop to this or it will effect your child. Dont let that happen. My daughter now has been badly effected by this hole thing. More than I can say in a e-mail. So please for your daughters sake dont let this go on. Good luck.

Answer 4

You didn't say if he had children with his ex. If he does then they have to have some kind of civil relationship for the sake of the children and this would also explain why he goes over to his ex's for holidays, talks on the phone, etc.

As for your mother-in-law, your hubby needs to put her in her place and tell her that it is going to be an all or nothing relationship. That she be civil to you and treat her grandchild by you fairly or that she is out of his life and his family's. Only he can do this.

Answer 5

you must always be politically correct in situations like this....there may be no way of changing her mind or keeping her from budding out, unless its your husbands idea! If this is causing a rift between you and your husband, stop it now! This is probably why his first marriage didn't work out! Take care of your marriage and raising your daughter, let the mother in laws actions do her in!

Answer 6

First off I would like to extend my sympathy for you and your husband, what seems to be the problem is your mil is being very resentful of you and your daughter, what needs to happen is you need not worry about what she thinks or feels towards you and your baby, your husband on the other hand needs to let him mother know that you are his wife now, and that she can go ahead and play whatever games she wants with the ex wife but that for him not to expect him to speak with her anylonger because what she says and does is very disrespectful to you, and whatever disrespect she does to you is disrespect to him, and that by rejecting his daughter that it just shows how ignorant she is. MILs are very jealous when it comes down to their sons and their spouses , in fact it's not even uncommon for the SILs to even try and interfere in their family members lives it's called emotional incest. Boundaries need to be set, but in this situation the best punishment would be a "cut off" which she seems to hae pulled on you, which only leave for your husband to practice it, and soon she will try begging to come back into his life, and thats when he should let her know how things will be when it comes to you and your child. Also I would suggest not really trying to get her to like you, you are fighting a never ending battle as she will always be this way one way or another, by being nice only welcomes her as if you were a doormat and she will step all over you whenever given the oppurtunity, whenever on speakng terms again do not kiss her butt, just be yourself and be polite but dont act like shes the queen of england. As for the husband himself just let him know that you love him but also let him know that you do not want to lose the marriage over his mother as you have tried everything to get her to accept you, and stand by him, and expect him to do the same. Good luck also if you need to vent I suggest visiting this website for more advice on how other's deal with this kind of situation and apply it to yours www.ihatemyinlaws.com again good luck..

Answer 7

if i was you, i would say it's time to give up. it's not worth the effort. if this woman cannot respect you, her son and her grand baby - then it's time to respect yourself and walk away. you have started your own family - you don't need her and you certainly don't need the ex - this is ludicrous. i wouldn't waste my energy by letting my relationship become strained with my husband over this. instead, make it grow stronger, showing how much you love each other and support each other - and with this love - you don't need any other family ties - especially those that hurt. good luck to YOUR family - love them.

Answer 8

It sounds as if you and your husband are one accord, which is good. However, let your husband talk to her first. Apparently, it's not u it would be any woman that her baby married. Therefore, she's most likely jealous. If that doesn't work, try as a couple. If all else fails, let it be. You have to live with you and she has to live with herself. Good luck!!

Answer 9

I'd love to hear her side.
I am one of the lucky ones, I adore my daughters in law and I
believe they like me too.

Unfortunately, I do have friends that have the same trouble you're
describing and these are wonderful women, and with my own
eyes I've seen the conflict.....that's why I repeat I'd love to hear her\
side.

Answer 10

I think you should just have a talk with her along with your husband about the way she's treating you. If that doesn't work then just cut her out, you don't need such nonsense in your life.