I was in a relationship in he past where there was domestic violence. And then I was in a relationship with a great, normal and respectful guy who I really liked because of his personality and his intelligence. But I think I also sort of sabotarged the relationship and held him away at arm's length. There were other major circumstances that made him dump me (a death in his family and illness and work stress) but I wonder why I helped to end the relationship by being needy, pushing him away etc. I wonder if I felt I was undeserving of a nice noral relationship with a great guy? Any psycologists out there to help answer this question (just joking!)
2007-01-05 20:09:17 · 6 answers · asked by Diana K 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Well, I was a psych major for a number of years and did some counceling.
There is a rather debilitating personality dimension called an "external lotus of control" that you probably have. Some people tend to look externally for the source of control in their lives. They don't view themselves as being that source. When you view other people as the weather that controls your own happiness, you prefer to surround yourself with people you can emotionally predict and somewhat control.
Because people with an external lotus of control also tend to be somewhat emotionally immature, and emotionally immature people are predictable and controllable, people with an external lotus of control prefer to surround themselves with other people who have the same problem. This is confusing to realize because two people with an external lotus can have quite different personalities and temperments. For instance a quiet female and an emotionally raging male can both have an external lotus.
The boyfriend who was a domestic violator fit this description. Sure, he hurt you, but you could predict his behavior and you knew exactly how he would react to any situation. People who are violent tend to be emotionally immature. You knew such and such would get him angry, you knew such and such would make him ecstatic. He was predictable in that way.
The "good" boyfriend was too unpredictable for you. His maturity kept himself too much in control of his emotions and you could not tell from one situation to the next how he would react. This made you highly uncomfortable. If the people around you are in control of themselves, the only thing that can control your own happiness is yourself. You don't trust your ability to do that. You prefer to be able to manipulate the social weather around you, good or bad. It is more comfortable for you to be around a predictable bad person than an unpredictable good person.
At least that's my assessment considering the limited information.
2007-01-05 20:26:11 · answer #1 · answered by Benji Duncan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been through this and I think it's cause you don't really know yourself yet and what you really want so you act in a wishy washy way. Your needy one moment then the next pushing him away. A part of you wants to be w/somone and a part doesn't. Maybe you're seeking independence cause you seem to have been in relationships that were based too much on dependency, and you just don't know how to go about being independent, which makes you fall back into needyness. This is just my opinion. Hope it helps.
2007-01-06 04:31:33 · answer #2 · answered by Queen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're not in the minority...so many women that have been abused or are enablers to abusive men tend to be self-destructive and unable to conduct a 'normal' relationship, because the only relationships they've known have been 'abnormal'. You really should try seeing a professional about your psychological makeup and emotional capabilities, to see if there is any permanent fix to your problem. It isn't going to go away on it's own; and from the sound of it, you're very likely to find solace in another abusive relationship, to your own demise.
2007-01-06 04:13:27 · answer #3 · answered by wetdreamdiver 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, as a former counselor, one has to wonder if your assessment of your situation is accurate. If it is then so is your conclusion. An abused women has an interior feeling of inadequacy and that she doesn't deserve something better. Tell him you made a mistake. Hope for the best. Do better next time either with him or someone new. You deserve it honey.
2007-01-06 04:16:18 · answer #4 · answered by Huguenot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should seek help. sounds like u have some issues from your past that u need to deal with. If u are not happy with yourself you will never be happy with anyone else do not be ashamed get some help for yourself. been there
2007-01-06 04:14:13 · answer #5 · answered by FLOWERGRL 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why did you do it? - You were a fool.
2007-01-06 04:10:57 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋