How can I fall out of love?

Question

I've stupidly fallen in love with a married man. We've been having an affair for 3 months. Prior to that we were friends and work colleagues for 18 months. I don't want to be the other woman. If he left his wife for me I would never trust him, so either way it’s doomed. I wish I could fall out of love with him. We work together and every time I see him, I melt. I'm a bright woman and I know I have to end it, but I can't seem to find the strength. Any ideas?

Answer 1

exactly the same thing is happening to my friend, it has been going on for 6 months. i tihnk its an addiction with him!! because you work with him its adding to the excitement and you probably are hooked because you know its wrong!! would you like this guy if he was single?? you deserve more than to be just a bit on the side!! he is an untrustworthy person and a rat, so even if he did leave his wife youre right, you could never trust him. my friends bloke has said to her hes gonna leave his wife, that he doesnt have sex with her n that their relationship is crap. my friend falls for all this whereas i can see straight through him. he didnt call her all over christmas for 2 weeks not even a text.if you carry this on you will end up lonely and upset sweetheart, please you deserve so much better. its hard because you work with him, could you transfer to another building or another part of the office??good luck whatever but u deserve more!! xx

Answer 2

Here's the gist of it. You have to be direct and end it. You've already said, and I suspect you meant it, the reason why.

I have an 'old girlfriend' who I went through this same thing with. She was married and so was I - but to other people. About 10 years after high school - around our class reunion - she wanted to relight THE FLAME (CT). Her idea was to meet in a state that is between mine and hers. We both have family living there and she had a decent cover story.

I never did tell her no. I didn't have to. We're two states apart - west of the Mississippi River. After her divorce and mine marriage was about to end as well, she offered for me to come out to live 'there' and the whole time this was going on I was thinking two things (but only one really mattered).

1. We had our chance once upon a time and, yeah, it was good so maybe this would be the thing.
2. She wanted to cheat on her husband while they were still married and what in the world would make me believe that I was the first one she considered (or did) this with?

What would be different the second time around? You're absolutely right about one thing. Strength. It's also called character.

I would do this: meet him (one final time) in a neutral place. Maybe a restaurant the two of you have never been to. It has to be a public place where others are sitting nearby and the atmosphere is relatively quiet.

Tell him it's over. Tell him if he wants to keep doing what the two of you have been doing he's going to have to find someone else. He may see this as a negotiation. If you allow it to become a negotiation you will lose - trust me.

Remember strength?! So take this as seriously as you would if your life were in danger. Be smart.

If he begins to negotiate consider the following: Tell him that if he's going to try to push you into changing your mind he'll regret it. (At this point you have to shut up and keep steady eye contact - he must speak first next and blink or look away first).

If you have trouble maintaining eye contact practice with your dog or anyone you can. He will ask what you mean.

This is when you tell him, that if he's going to try and get you to reconsider you'll tell his wife everything. This usually shuts them up.

If you're going to do all of this I would (highly) recommend that you let someone else know your plan and your location. Not that I don't trust the guy myself but I'm ex-special forces so I'm always keeping safety in mind.

Consider having that extra person call you at a specified time maybe 15 minutes after you meet him. I did this with an ex-girlfiend who had some emotional issues and it turned out to be some of the best advice I've ever gotten.

If you're going to threaten him with telling his wife. And he does continue to push the envelope just tell her. She deserves to know what he's up to. Would you want to be her?

Answer 3

I;m having an affair too, so if you find out the answer to this question, let me know.

It's so hard, I know he has feelings for me, but I also know that I could only ever be second best, if not third, after himself then his wife, in that order!

But oh my god, what I would do to not have my heart and body and soul do a little flip when he smiles at me, how much I wish that he wasn't so sweet when it's just us two, how much I wish I could imagine my future without him in it.....

I am determined to end this month(beginnining of the new year) with him out of my life, even though emotionaly it's going to be like cutting my own throat.

Good luck to you too, I KNOW how hard this is, need anymore support, email me, your question and answers have left me even more determined to end my affair.xx

Answer 4

You can't easily fall out of love with someone, it will take time! The only way, as someone else posted on here, is to quit your job. Or just don't see him! Or just ignore him. Distract yourself. Go date other people if possible (which is most likely, I'd like to believe) and find some other things to do. Just end it, not for any overanalyzed reasons, but for the sake of your sanity! It is doomed either way and you wouldn't want it to end in a really bad way. So end it while you still got time and advantage on your hands. And if he misses you and feels bad, at least you'll be the one who came out looking and being smarter. Believe me.

Answer 5

You must have some self esteem issues. You know the best way to fall out of love?
Just remember he is using you and most likely has little respect for you.
He is a cheat and a liar and probably bonking other women as well as you..... trust me you are NOT the special one he is risking his marriage over.
No matter what he says he has done this with others. Trust me.
You need to move on, even if it means taking a job somewhere else.

Answer 6

Find out what it is specifically that you're attaracted to and find other men that have that same feature or quality.

Unfortuneatly, most people fixate on a specific feature, height, color, smile, ...etc. and it's usually what every one wants, competition is stiff, and it's easy to take up with a loser with that feature, or an unavailble person with that feature.

You'll find the strenght when you have a better option available.
See your doctor about antidepressants that are also used for obsessive-compulsive disorder. They help you to not obsess about things.

Become friends with his wife, and get to know the woman you're hurting. (He's hurting her too, but if not with you, someone else.)
Focus on your guilt. Learn his children--the ones who will be hurt by you, if there's a divorce.

This is hard work.

Get those fantacies out of your head..about him and you someday.

Find another place to work.

Think about him divoricing and living with you.
He leaves his chlothes lying all over the place.
He leaves the seat up.
He drinks beer in front of the TV and farts in bed all night.
He borrows your car and doesn't fill up the gas.
He has an affair on you, and you acctually wish he'd leave you.
He has his buddies over for ball games when you want to watch top model.
He's never guilty after sex because he's asleep.
He steals the covers.
He flirts with your sister.
He flirts with your mother.
He flirts with your brother...oops.

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear that you got yourself into this situtation. One sure way to get over him is to completely cut off contact. You should probably quit your job too and find work elsewhere. It must be done. Like you said you're in a doomed relationship either way you'll always be the 'other woman.' It'll take time and you might even go back to him, but eventually you'll get over it. Good luck.

Answer 8

well you cant just fall out of love if it was that easy no one would get married but any way he is married and your right if he left his wife for you there is a 90 percent chance he would do the same to you and if he never left his wife for you then you are always going to be the "OTHER WOMEN" so go and find someone that reminds you of him and date him and maybe he might have something that turns you off so then every time you look at your colleague you are turned off or you can just start looking for someone completely opposite to him i mean there is someone for everyone and that man aint for you look for someone talented,gorgeous,fun,out going,and if you can find him someone that is single

Answer 9

You can't fall out of love: it may happen with time. Is there any old flame you could contact, relationship you could try to get going again? Don't do anything drastic like leaving work or even ending your present relationship. It may or may not happen in time and just because your present relationship may not be permanent doesn't mean you can't enjoy it now.

Answer 10

-just an advice. Dont let love ruins your life.

first thing, I think you've got a wrong relationship with a man whose committed with someone else and take note, not just simply committed but with a man whose married. Can you take the conscience of having an affair with this man? just think what may be the consequences of your relationship with that man.

You don't want this thing will also happen to you. Just believe in karma. karma doubles the hurt when it strikes you.