I LOVE my 4YO daughter but a lot of the time I actually really don't like her. She is so contrary and oppositional. She seems to do whatever she can that she knows is wrong. No matter that she never gets rewarded for this and gets TONS of praise for her positive behaviour. It just seems to be her nature. I, however, can barely stand it anymore. What on earth can I do? I want to fix our relationship somehow but I can't change who she is - nor who I am. She's only 4, what will become of us when she is 13?
2007-01-05 12:48:54 · 32 answers · asked by Lindy 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
You may need some counseling. In the meantime, talk to your daughter in terms she can understand, such as "it really hurts Mommy's feelings when you...." or "it makes Mommy happy when you..."
She is just going through a phase of trying to figure out who she is, developing her personality. And at that time, kids really like to push the envelope!
2007-01-05 12:53:53 · answer #1 · answered by from HJ 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Do not let anyone make you feel bad for saying that. I know what you mean. I worked with kids in my community center for years and I have found a few that I can honestly say I didn't really like. I love children and am an excellent care giver but yes you can actually not like the child because of his/her personality. The difference is you cannot let it affect your parenting. You will end up suffering in the end with an outta control child. Yes you may have post partum depression and would need to seek help but lets assume you dont. You said she is contrary and oppositional, basically what your saying is she doesnt want to do what you asked and only does what she wants. This is called independance. She is trying to find herself and the best advice I can give you without a big long essay is simply to do this, offer her choices you want her to have and not ones you dont. In other words if she is screaming I dont want to wear this shirt then instead of saying you have to wear this one, say "here are two (or three or whatever) shirts that you can wear, which one do you want." You are now limiting her choices but not stifling her from making some thus encouraging her own independance. We often say to our kids do this, do that, dont do this, dont do that, what we should be saying is you can do this or that and instead of dont we should say do you think its ok if what your doing, is there something else you can do? There are lots of parenting books out there on effective parenting and I am sure on the internet as well. They really do help, the difference between my son and daughter who were born 9 years apart is uncanny. It was so much easier the second time. I became educated somewhere inbetween and I can honestly say my daughter got the best deal on that one.
2007-01-05 13:17:25 · answer #2 · answered by CelticFairy 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Firstly - are you CONSISTENT in your reactions to her bahaviour? Consistent in punishment, always following through, and never threatening to do something if you KNOW you will not do it. By punushment I mean removing privileges for a short time (A day at the most). Time outs dont seem to work with these kids.
Sounds like you have a very SPIRITED child, or she may have either ADD or oppositional defiiance disorder., or a non-verbal learning disorder - all of which can cause the behaviour you are describing.
My son is a spirited kid. see link below
You might want to take her to see a psychologist.
2007-01-07 15:00:46 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Go to a parenting support group.
Read parenting books - I particularly recommend 'How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk' (I think they have courses and groups too).
There are also many books written for strong-willed children (but the above general title is still the best starting place).
Give a strong-willed child alot of responsibility, respect and recognition. If they want to be the boss - let them be. Not in negative or unsafe areas, but in positive ones.
If you go this route, you can't fake it. It means really treating the child like a respected young adult - in the areas that they can handle. Allowing them to participate, make decisions, help out, run something, supervise something, be depended on, be consulted.
This is not an approach for a child with a disturbance, a disorder, or parents who cannot parent responsibly. It is an approach for an intelligent proud child who wants to be able to use their abilities and be respected (which is not the same as a pat on the head) .
.
2007-01-05 13:30:45 · answer #4 · answered by cyclgrrl 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Well someone on here is really cruel and mean and certainly just doesnt understand. As for you- during some stages that children go thru they seem to be little aliens in your childs body. This child you adore and love so much is a little monster child beset by tears and an attitude you dont much like and where did this kid come from anyway. Yes i understand but you may find by this time next year a different attutude in your child -Just hang in there Mom it will get better in the next year .
2007-01-05 12:58:47 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
It's part of being 4 years old. I think you should seek councelling for yourself. I see that you are trying to get help. I have a 4 year old son, he doesn't always listen to me, and yes it can be frusterating, but I Love him, and I know that he is only 4, and 4 year old's want to challenge their mother's and try to see what all they can get away with.. also if she knows she's getting to you.. she know's what she's doing is working.. and she's gonna keep doing it. I think you should try councelling, or see if there is a mommy/toddler group in your area. Good Luck to you.
2007-01-05 15:49:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Scarey, I know. Take her to a child psycologist and they can tell you what the source of her behavior comes from. Don't argue with her at all. That will just give her fight against you. Tell her once, and every time she does it after that there can be a concenquence. It can't be all pos. re-enforcement. She needs to know her limits, but don't tell her that. If you want to try time outs it's about 1 min. per year of age. With a program set up like the one I mentioned it would be about 2 weeks before you saw good results.
2007-01-05 13:40:38 · answer #7 · answered by Tasha 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
There is nothing wrong with you don't listen to anyone about that. Just do what you can to make your daughter a better person. If you ever feel like you dont like your daughter then just focus on all her good qualities and know that all those great things are because of you. I see a lot of brats running around and i can't fathom why anyone including there parents would like them.
2007-01-05 17:11:31 · answer #8 · answered by nobody 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Don't give up so easily. You need give her as much love and affection as possible. This little girl is someone you created....being a parent is VERY hard and rewarding at the end. Hang in there and be strong!
2007-01-05 12:54:58 · answer #9 · answered by the_one 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Get help to deal with your feelings towards your daughter, I am sure you will get some bashing here but I think it has more to do with you then with her. You need to deal with this though as she surely will sense your feelings for her and this could lead to a life long journey of pain for her and for you,
2007-01-05 13:04:39 · answer #10 · answered by Tantrix 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋