What to do when a mother chooses a man over her kids?

Question

Question for all of you, looking for your input:

What would you do if your mother choose a man and stuck by his side over her own kids? Even if he threatens the kids...what would u do?

Ive written her off for a week now but feel so guilty. But she let her boyfriend THREATEN me and didnt stop him. How awful is that? Right in front of her and now shes making me out to be the bad guy...

This all started when i caught them lying to me and they freaked out being caught in a lie and then he threatens me!!! What would you do? Thankyou

im 22 and live away from home since 18. i havent lived with her since i was 6 when she ran away with this man. i always respected the both of them, ect. but when they lie together and i caught them lying they freaked out and then he started threatening me with harm and calling me ugly names. my boyfriend wanted to kick his butt, but i wouldnt let him because my little brother whos 13 is living with them. i didnt want him to see my boyfriend kick his dads butt. anyway i feel bad for my brother and guilty in the same way cause its my mother. but how can a woman choose a man over her own child? her own flesh and blood!!!

and being the person i am all i told her was that im done. i finally woke up and realized that for the last 16 years shes choosen this man over all 3 of her kids. im 22 now and finally realized it. how devastating..being the person i am all i said was God help your souls. I afraid for my 13 year old brother that lives with her and her boyfriend, which is his father...i just hope he doesnt turn out like him. i just feel guilty about it, but what more can i do? you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink!!

and he is abusive. when my 13 year old brother was a new born i watched him throw a wallet at him in the face and other things, i protected him then when i was about 7, then i lived with my stepfather-who is more like a father to me than anyone...he is my father!!! i know when i would visit my mom sometimes she had bruises and what not and it wasnt till i was 16 that i realized what was going on, she wont listen to me, wont leave him, and i suspect he still hits her. he controls her too. i try to help, ive called the cops in the past, but nothing. i fear for my little brother seeing this. hes a good kid, even walks his butt to church every sunday. but my mom, i feel like i cant help her anymore. how many years of trying to help someone do you take? and then they still choose a man over her own flesh and blood!!! what should i do???

Answer 1

Man Alive! I don't know where to begin. My instinct is to say, as hard as it is, cut her out until she cuts him out.

BUT having worked in a women's centre and around battered women, I am scared for your mother. If she is not in physical danger, she could be under such mental and emotional control she will really need you when she is able to leave.

Either way, its no excuse for her acting like a jerk now. Don't go anywhere near this guy. I think he is an abuser. Let your mother know you are there for her and will always be but you can't be around her partner for your own safety and well being.

I wish I could be more help, but it is really your mother who needs the most help here.

Answer 2

Unfortunately this happens more than most people realize. A lot of times when children are being abused the other parent won't turn them in, which in a sense is picking the husband (or sometimes wife, depending on the situation) over the children. After working in child welfare and seeing so many cases of this I came to one conclusion: women (or men) are afraid of not having a companion. Even if their partner is absolutely the worst type of person on earth, they do not want to be alone. Therefore, even though it isn't the best for the child, they choose to side with their partner, because they want to have someone their age to be with. Kids eventually grow up, move away and start their own lives, but having a partner, is supposed to be for life, and unfortunately kids suffer greatly from this. It isn't fair, and usually is brushed off by the parent who is chosing the partner over the children, but it still happens.

You should not feel guilty for having these feelings, it isn't fair to you, and it might be better off for you and your life, especially if you ever have children, to just be done with her.

Answer 3

Wow sounds like my life. My mother has choosen men over her kids soooo many times. When I was 16 it came to the last straw because she actually dropped me off at my grandparents house for the "weekend" and I didn't see her for another 3 months in which time she packed up all of our stuff and moved and then expected me to go live with her.

Luckly I had my Dad and my Grandparents to help me out and I ended up moving in with my Dad which was the best choice for me.

If he threatens you, the you should tell a family member and I would also call the cops.

Answer 4

When I was 9 my ex-step dad started molesting me and my 3 brothers. My mother knew this was happening. When I was 15 we went to court about it. My brothers were 13, 9, and 7. My mother stood by "her man" through the entire trial, totally disregarding her 4 children. She said we were lying. I say if mom chooses her man over her kids, she shouldn't have the right to even be called mom anymore.

Answer 5

Obviously you dont live at home which is good. The only consolation I can give you is that she will probably drop him or lose him to some other woman soon then she'll have no one. You may have to wait for her to hit rock bottom and then make sure she doesnt screw you over even then. Go on with your life and make only very little time for your Mom and her bf.

Answer 6

My hubby's mother did the same thing. He was only 14 when it happened and his mother was actually planning on how they would hurt my hubby and he overheard it. I would stay away from them. Don't feel guilty. She is the idiot that is choosing this for you. We stay away from his mother and she doesn't get to enjoy the 3 grand kids we have and wont get to meet the new one on the way. She choose it, not us. She is choosing it, not you. Good luck

Answer 7

WHAT A MOTHER? I WOULD NEVER LET A MAN THREATEN ONE OF MY CHILDREN, NOT EVEN THEIR OWN FATHER. I THINK A MOTHER THAT CHOOSES A MAN OVER HER CHILDREN, DOESN'T DESERVE THE LOVE OF HER CHILDREN. IT IS AWFUL THAT SHE HAS DONE THIS. YOU SAID YOU HAVE WRITTEN HER OFF FOR A WEEK, MAKE IT PERMANENT IF YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO BE ALONE. IF YOU ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BE ON YOUR ON, I GUESS YOU WILL HAVE TO TRY TO NOT ROCK THE BOAT UNTIL YOU'RE OF AGE.GOOD LUCK!!!!

Answer 8

First off you should put no man over your kids...Thats stupid.I could see if he was a good man but he isn't he threatens her...She needs to get help and tell her family..If those kids are in damger then someone needs to intervene.

Answer 9

depends on how he thretined you if he thretined to hurt you in any way your mom needs to stand by your side but if he simply thretened to ground you take away your games or weekends he has a bit of a right please remeber thathes been put in a parenting position and this is new to him but if he thretined to hurt you you should tell some one and then your mom would have to straigten up or lose you i wold say aslong as he doesnt physically hurt you and hasnt thretened that this too will pass

Answer 10

This is a very hard question. my mom did that and left her side and move to my own apartment. respect your mother, but that dude no. have you try talking to her, this is a very hard question