Why can't I grieve?

Question

My mother died three weeks ago but although I loved her and thought the world of her and miss her terribly, I can't grieve. I can't even cry. I am unable to even form a picture of her in my mind. Is this due to emotional trauma or am I a heartless individual? It is really getting to me.

Answer 1

The grieving process is very complex and can create many different reactions in people.

Don't be to hard on yourself and just try and go with the flow.

Try to accept how you feel each day and do not try to over analyze it.

Grief has a natural progression but it materializes in different ways and at different times for everyone.

When my son died I was as cool as a cucumber for about 4 weeks. Then i was a total hysterical mess for 2 years.

My Husband on the other hand was a total mess for about 6 weeks then he seemed to just bounce back.

Part of my grief was that I hated the fact that he was not grieving when I was, i thought he did not care.

When my Nan died (last year , whom i was very close to ) I was expecting to full apart. Surprisingly I coped extremely well with her death and accepted it a lot easier than i thought I would. I was extremely surprised as were friends and family who were all on stand by also expecting me to fall aprt.

You have had a shock and need to give yourself some TLC.

I am very sorry to learn of your loss and will keep you in my thoughts and Prayers.

Answer 2

Grieving takes many forms. When My Steve died, at first I'd feel guilty every time I laughed or smiled. I cried, but not much after the first 24 hours. I even admit I felt some relief, because he had been so unhappy for such a long time before he committed suicide. I think if someone had been very sick and in a great deal of pain before they died, that relief would also be there, although you might not feel so guilty about it as I did.

That you have not cried is not that surprising for a man. A lot of men simply have trained themselves not to cry, and would not really gain any relief from it. But don't go calling yourself heartless or feel there is something wrong with you. It is natural to do this sort of self-examination after losing a loved one. And also to imagine that others are thinking of you as heartless. In fact, they are probably admiring your stoicism and fortitude.

You'll cry if it helps, some night when you are alone and the realization that no, she's not coming back and no, you will never see her again, hits you for some reason. And if you never cry on the outside, I'm betting you will cry in your dreams. Because however much you may be relieved that she no longer suffers, you are motherless now, and you are allowed to cry for your loss.

Answer 3

First, my condolences on the loss of your mother.

People grieve in vastly different ways. In fact, the same individual can experience grief differently at different times in his/her life. I reacted in a vastly different manner to the deaths of different people who I loved very much. I have experienced both an immediate grief reaction and a delayed one due to shock. The immediate reaction was the unexpected death of my father, and the delayed one followed the death of my grandfather after a very extended illness. I'm telling you all this to say that there is no "right" way to experience grief.

The fact that you're even asking this question indicates that you're not a heartless individual. If you were without heart, it wouldn't botheryou that you couldn't grieve.

It wouldn't surprise me if you discover that you are in shock right now. Your emotions will more than likely catch up to you in time. Three weeks can seem like a long time, but it's really not a tremendous amount of time to still be reeling from the shock of the loss of your mother.

If at all possible, consult with a grief counselor or a member of the clergy.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 4

I am sorry that your mother died; you clearly loved her--and still love her--very deeply.

In fact, the intense grief that you are experiencing is often termed numbness and denial. Your mind is, in a sense, protecting itself from the intense pain. You love her so much that if you were to feel the full impact of losing her at this moment without numbing out, it would be unbearable for you. This is very normal and very common. Numbness can be thought of as a blanket that wraps around your immediate grief. This is why you are, at the present moment, unable to form a mental picture of her in your mind. This is very normal. Rest assured, you will be able to again some day when you have gone through the grief--and probably before then.

The first phase of grief is numbing and denial: this protects you from pain. My advice is this: if you can find your way to a hospice grief group, this might be very helpful for you. There are groups for children, adolescents, adults--and the person that died does not have to have died of cancer for you to attend. Call your local Hospice and see if they have a group. The benefit of a social support group can be very helpful. You are not alone and right now you need 3-D in person support to be able to talk about what you are experiencing when you are ready.

There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. And there is no set time limit, either. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

I wish you well.

Answer 5

I am so sorry for your loss. No you are certainly not a heartless person, you are just most likely to truly grieve and really let it out. It is normal for people to go through this sometimes. Often you can just give yourself permission to feel what you do and the grieving will come. Don't be afraid of it, it is healthy to get it out. Holding it in is not good for you.

I suggest going easy on yourself and taking some time by yourself to just sit and think about your mom, what she meant to you, the good times, funny and fun times, things like that. Know too that she is in a very good place now, with God, without pain and suffering. She is happy in His loving arms.

If you feel going to a counselor and talking about it would help, I do suggest that. Often, a counselor will draw out what may be holding you back and then you will be free to greive.

Take care.

Answer 6

I'm sorry for your loss. Bereavement can be a long process, and it's different for different people. You will get to the grief when you are ready; don't feel bad about it. You loved your mum- you still do. You miss her, so a big part of you is not ready to believe that she's gone. That emotional denial is actually recognized as the first step of the grieving process- I certainly remember going through it when my father died, and at other times when I have lost people close to me. Just give yourself time, and don't compare yourself with how you think you should feel, or what others appear to be feeling- we're all different. It was ten years before I could properly picture my dad, weeks bfore I could cry, months before I stopped expecting him to walk through the door.
You'll deal in your own way and in your own time, ok?

Answer 7

The same thing happened to me when my mother in law died suddenly. I was in shock and could barely function for a while. I think the emotional pain went beyond crying. Now I can picture what she looked like, the pain lessens when enough time goes by. You are not a heartless person. I know you loved her very much. The first year is the hardest.

Answer 8

Hi there.
You are not heartless so don't think that.
I lost my mum last September and still haven't been able to cry, I sometimes feel as if I want to but it doesn't happen, I am normally quite an emotional person (though not overly so). It can take a while for some people to fully accept that it has happened. Don't beat yourself up about it though as you may never cry, we all grieve in different ways.
Take care!

Answer 9

I think you may be in denial. Kind of like, if you don't cry, then her death isn't real yet. Once you shed a tear, then you've accepted the fact that she is really gone forever.
I did the same with my grandfather. Upon news of his death, I was shocked, and did not cry even at his funeral. Weeks later at work, an image of him during Christmas' past, with his Santa hat on, sack over his shoulder, struck me suddenly out of the blue. I broke down and sobbed for a very long time. This will happen with you, too. You are not heartless. You will grieve when you are ready.

Answer 10

I'm sorry for your loss. It may take a little while longer, but something will happen (a smell that brings up a memory, a song, a picture, etc...) that will click off in your brain and it will hit you all at once (instead of dragged out over several weeks). Just the fact you are concerned means you are not heartless. Perhaps you feel her spirit with you as well, and it does not feel yet like you've really lost her.