A young girl meets a guy at eighteen. The guy is about twenty-eight, semi-established, intelligent. The girl is highly intelligent, but severely sheltered. She's very well read, but has very limited knowledge of life. She's in college and sort of "soul searching." To an extent she knew who she was and exactly where she wanted to go, but when she met him, everything changed. He decided that her progress was too slow for him and took it upon himself to revamp her life completely. Now, he's managing her parents and their funds, telling her parents that she's "mooching" off of them, depricates her for not being where he is "intellectually" or finacially, won't accept her help because he'll be "crippling" her, but expects her to accept his, while accusing her of "taking." When they met she had a great job and contributed vastly (though he'll never admit it), but now she isn't working and is focusing on school. He isn't a bad guy and he loves her alot, but he doesn't appreciate her.
2007-01-05 12:33:08 · 4 answers · asked by evelynn waugh 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
There are many other dynamics to this scenario as well. The guy is insufferably arrogant and bored. She's his first steady relationship, and he's her first everything. He sees himself as this creature of supreme virtuosity that no one can touch and wants nothing less from his mate, only, he doubts that such a person can achieve such a level without his coercive hand. She wants to live; experience life, make her own mistakes. He feels he doesn't have time for any more mistakes. He's made his and she'd "slow him down" if she made her own. They've spoke seriously of marriage on several occasions and she fears sabotaging all that they've both invested. She doesn't want to go through the whole dating cycle again, but she cannot take his negativity. I think the relationship is unhealthy but understandable from both ends.
This question is being reposted. I'm seeking further perspectives.
2007-01-05 12:34:15 · update #1
I agree with your end statement, "the relationship is unhealthy but understandable from both ends." This is true for two primary reasons. The first being this admitted true love which is never easy to reconcile with those doubts and fears such as your friend is experiencing in her relationship life. The second being her own admission of "she fears sabotaging all that they've both invested. She doesn't want to go through the whole dating cycle again". It's natural to want to protect our interests in a serious relationship of physical, mental as well as financial investments.
It seems to me it comes down to asking hard questions of oneself and be willing to accept the most honest and simple answers. For me, in a situation such as hers, the questions would be twofold. One, am I willing to gamble further investment based on I know for a fact that the relationship will improve to my expectations. Two, if the answer to #1 is no, then will I, and do I retain, the self esteem and personal ambition to re-enter the world without this significant other and believe I am truly capable of being self sufficient.
By your own statements in describing this friend, "The girl is highly intelligent" ...and... "To an extent she knew who she was and exactly where she wanted to go, but when she met him, everything changed."
So, assuming now she isn't sure who she is anymore but knows what she wants and has retained her high intelligence then, she should employ her mind to overide her heart long enough to "see the forrest for the trees" so she can truly assess her hearts needs versus her real needs. Her heart is obviously tainted by this relationship so her intelligence should tell her it may not be the best basis for judging what's right and wrong at this point in her life.
2007-01-05 12:50:23 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's expecting her to be "grown up" like he is. To some extent, she is and has become due to his presence in her life, but he's hurting her by not letting her make her own decisions and learn from her own mistakes. He should never ever make her feel bad about herself. He seems to need to control his environment, including the people in his life. He seems to "have all the answers," but even her parents are falling victim to his manipulations. My thoughts are that he's too old for her (in a different generation) and is holding her back from spreading her wings and creating her own life, making her own mistakes and learning from them for herself.
2007-01-05 12:40:22 · answer #2 · answered by Laura Renee 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can say it would be a cold day in hell before a guy would take me over like that. While he may be helping he is also manipulating her in ways that she is too young to understand. The entire situation is nothing but manipulation period. She needs to get rid of him if he's not going to let her live her life. If he doesn't like her for who she, and he doesn't, then he needs to find someone else to be with.
2007-01-05 12:38:09 · answer #3 · answered by christinedaae 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that you should talk to her alone and tell her that this guy is taking advantage of her and basically being a control freak. If she doesn't like it, it sounds like it's the truth...
2007-01-05 12:35:41 · answer #4 · answered by ~Geeks Will Rule The World~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋