Do I tell him now, or wait until he gets back from Iraq?

Question

I'm putting this question in the military section of this site to get a different perspective. I was involved in a relationship with a soilder 5 years ago while he was located in my state. Our relationship was great, but it ended because I was scared of commitment at the time. We stayed friends, but as he went back and forth to Iraq, I lost contact with him. Recently I found him again. He's currently in Iraq (3rd time) and he will be leaving both Iraq and the Army in November. He'll be returning to his home state (4 states away). I have always wanted a second chance with him (especially since I'm not afraid of commitment now) and I do feel that despite the committment fears, together the 2 of us were a force to be reckoned with. I want to tell him exactly how I feel and ask him for a second chance (distance is of no issue to me) but is now the time? I don't want to wait any longer to share my feelings, but I don't know if thats something that I should place on him while he's deployed.

Answer 1

it's a matter of how you feel about the situation. Iraq is a scary unstable place, and if you told him now, you might not get a real reaction.. he's been there 3 times, and his stress level has to be high. It would probably be best to tell him when things are clearer, when he will be home to stay. Plus, if you told him and he felt the same, then it would still be painfull, because he is still gone.. so there is nothing either of you can do about it. But like I said, it really comes down to what you feel in your heart would be best for you both. Just don't throw it out there and freak him out, Don't put yourself in an even more strange position than it already will be.

Answer 2

Wait until he returns. I have a feeling that you will be dealing with a person that has been changed a little since you first met him - I know I would if I'd have had to go through that hell.

Play it cool, and unattached and take your time. Show him you have a definate interest in him. Then wait and see what happens - don't press him - no guy want a pushy woman.

If he responds favorably then talk about long term plans goals. See if that interests him Mention family - you want one don't you - see what he wants.

You've got to find out what character you're dealing with now - this "war" WiLL chage people, so be prepared and be strong - your life does not have to revolve around this ONE man!

Answer 3

I don't want to appear cold hearted or cruel here, but as a man I have to tell you that if I got back and found out that you needed to ask a million strangers what to do about this I would run as fast as I could. If you couldn't stand by him when things were too hot for you, you probably won't be able to now. If, on the other hand you pull your head out of your butt and think this through by yourself or maybe with a close friend, and decide to do something about this man you say you care for, then, and only then, will you stand a chance of being the woman you and he will both need you to be.

Answer 4

Something that should be placed on him???

Take it from an ex-millitary:

Tell him now. If he's happy about it, it'll give him something really positive to think about while he's there, among all the negativity, violence and harsh environments. Something to look forward to when he gets home.

If he doesn't care about you, it's not going to cause him any grief. He has nothing to worry about, since you said he does live 4 states away. It's not going to bother him.

On the other hand, if he's in combat, you don't want to distract him. If he's got mostly base-duty, it'll be a good idea to tell him, but if he's mostly in the field dealing with combat situations, something like that might distract him and cause him to get killed.

Good luck, and I hope you get him back!

Answer 5

My answer depends on his particular situation.
If he is 'front-line' or near to it, don't distract him. He needs to stay focused on his job so that he comes home in one piece. Even a pleasant distraction is stilla distraction, and the emotional impact of what you're proposing is significant.
If he is 'rear echelon', then you can probably tell him. It will give him something to look forward to without making him lose too much focus.

In short, the more stressful his current duties are, the less I would advise telling him while he's in the sand.

Telling him now could backfire. It's unikely it could backfire if you wait.

Answer 6

The only thing people gain in waiting is lost time.

Ask him now, but preferably on the phone. Not by mail, and for God's sake, not by EMail.

Don't get hurt if he does not feel the same way. But at least you can find out sooner, rather than later, either way!

My best friend chased someone for 15 years, always waiting for the "right time" to put things to a head.

All she gained was lost time.

Ask now.

Answer 7

How about writing him and start slow; see if he has feelings in return. He'll know somethings up. But he should enjoy the attention, if your previous break-up wasn't too severe. He is dealing with a tremendous amount of stress right now and he really doesn't need to worry about if you will still feel this way WHEN he gets home. My suggestion is to take it slow and easy.

Answer 8

Tell him now. Usually this type of question concerns "Dear John" letters. A letter like this will be good news. You only have one worry, and that is if he is in a commitment with someone else. Take a chance, and make his day.

Answer 9

I think you should write him a letter and tell him now. It will be a morale booster and give him something to look forward to. Just make sure he's not already married or in a committed relationship - that would be too stressful.

Answer 10

I would not suggest telling him everything until he is back, it may cloud his mind.

I do, however, suggest you tell him you are there for moral support while he is in Iraq. If after the next year of deployment, you both want to give it a shot, good luck.