is there anything we can do? dire situation!?

Question

long story short: my dads a druggie who stole money from our family. he would disappear for days and empty the bank account. Theres been other women, lies, secret loans, jobs hes lost. My mom during all this, didnt have a job. she couldnt cuz she coulndt garentee hed be home for her 2 kids. so she had no choice. since she had no income and had no family or friedns anymore that could help her, she was stuck. even though he was an @$$, she still cleaned his laudnry, made his dnner etc. Now hes in AA. AA taught him that what he did wasnt his fault. that it was an addictio and my mom made it worse. Now he does everything behind our back. hes gone all day. he doesnt let her touch the money he spends it "places were it needs to go". hes more secretive than ever. he doesnt feel empthay for what he does. My mom got a job, but it doesnt pay much. The other day we found out he opened secret bank account. we feel....

... that hes going to leave us. me and my sister dont want to go with him. but mom can afford to live on our own. she would want to stay at our house, which is okay cuz we rent it for cheap. shes really upset. we feel defeated. and when we try to talk to my dad about it, he get angry and defensive. is there anything we could do to help ourselves? any government service or out reach problem. we wont get much for child support. im too old to quailfy (im 20). my sister counts(shes 14), but hes not really working right now (he hurt himself fighting during his last disapperance). hes manic, angry, and unsympathetic to anything we feel or say. im supposed to go to college in fall and its my dream to go... but if dad leaves, i may need to stay to help my mom. PLEASE HELP US! any tips or help would be greatly apprecaited. thank you

Answer 1

Your family is in a very sad and desperate situation, and the way out of this mess won't be easy. It might be hard for you to hear this, but I really think that the best thing that could happen is if your father was completely out of the picture. He has too many problems of his own to ever be any real help to you and your family. The sooner you understand and accept that sad reality, the sooner you'll be able to start using your energy to prepare yourself for a better life. Look in the phone book for the nearest United Way or the Department of Social Services, which would be two very good places to start getting some sound advice and some real help. See if you can speak to the pastor from your church (or any church in your area) for some advice, counseling, and encouragement. Even your old high school counselor might have some good tips on where to get some real help that will allow you, your mom, and your sister to create a better life. Please don't wait around for your father to "get better", because he never will. Sadly, he is way too messed up, and he'll never be able to give you the help and support that you need. Therefore, you must take charge of your own destiny. Do NOT skip college! A good education is your only hope of creating a better life for yourself!! Your mom is an adult, and she will have to find the courage and strength to take care of herself and your little sister, so that you can go to college!! If money is tight, apply for student loans, grants, or scholarships. Love and respect yourself enough to give yourself this chance! Best of luck to you!!

Answer 2

Family counseling. Now. I mean it. If you do not know where to find a family counselor....ask the school counselor where to go...or ask a minister. These are adult problems which should be worked out between your parents, but unfortunately you've been dragged into this unhappy situation.

Please try and get your mom and dad to join you in Family Counseling (there are places in EVERY community which offer family counseling AT NO COST if the family cannot afford it). With successful counseling, your mom and dad will learn how to work through their problems and leave you to do what you should be doing..........that is being a kid.

I wish you the best. Now...promise me that TOMORROW you will begin asking for a family counselor.

Answer 3

I feel bad for you and your family. My hope is that you can see that you are a child Age does not matter. None of this mess is yours to own or clean up. Your mom should leave him and move on. Money is tight but it is for a lot of people. My one hope is that you will see this dysfunction and lead your life as a adult differently. Learn from how you feel now and what you see now and make different choice for yourself later, otherwise you will only be another produced of the environment you were raised in. Poverty and abuse, be-gates poverty and abuse. Step outside what you see and give your life a chance, you deserve better.,
Tracylyn

Answer 4

There are programs to help your mom as a single parent. Tell her to look for them, maybe thru social services or a local religious group. If the message he got from AA was that he is not to blame so he can do what he wants, then he did not get their point at all.

He needs to hit a real rock bottom on his own and your mom needs to move on and protect herself and the kids.

Answer 5

Open a new bank account to which he will not have access. All revenue goes into the new account. File for divorce, getting a separation and no-contact order, including an order for child support payments. Put his stuff on the front porch, and change the locks. You should have nothing further to do with him.

Answer 6

Some people are ugly people because they drink, other people are just ugly people who do drink. If you are basicly and ugly person, quitting drinking will not fix the ugly. If your father has got the message that your mom is *responsible* for his drinking because she enabled him, then he is not getting the AA message, which is about personal responsibility and submission and dependence on God for strength to address your personal weaknesses and failings. If you have not been to ALANON or ALATEEN you might want to go, just to find out what the straight AA line actually is.

That aside... Everybody has boundaries to what they consider acceptable. Your mom has found this behavior acceptable in your dad in the past - she accepted it. I don't know (and you don't know) what it is she gets from your dad that makes it worth remaining his wife, and it is not our business. If she should decide that this behavior is unacceptable, then she will quit accepting it and leave or throw him out.

Perhaps to your mother a promise is a promise, and she is maintaining her self worth and integrity by performing her side of her marriage promise *for herself* regardless of what your father decides to do...

Or... It is not a very nice thing, but in todays world there is little safety net for women with children, and women who have little workplace experience do not earn much, or steadily. Perhaps your dad, inadequate as you find him to be, is still the most reliable safety net that she has for her children and herself. Perhaps her earning would be about enough for all of you to live in your car and eat ramen heated by a coil plugged into the lighter slot...

Maybe your mom is not up to the risk of flying solo when her children may pay the price. In any case it is unlikely that her leaving him or trying to bring other pressure to bear upon him would have any positive effect upon the behavior of your dad.

The only person's choices you can be responsible for are your own, even when the only choice open to you is what attitude to have in receiving the inevitable. Concern yourself with maintaining a good life experience for yourself, to the greatest extent possible considering circumstances. Do not stress yourself out over choices that are not yours. Do not agree to bear consequences for poor choices if it is not worth it to *you* to do so.

I will pray for you.

Answer 7

Your mother, you and the rest of your siblings need to contact AL-ANON and ALATEEN. Here is thier toll free number: 1-866-221-4506.

Answer 8

That sounds awful. The only advice I can give is ask God to help you. He can get you through the worst of times!!

Answer 9

I feel sad for you and your family. There is little hope for recovery.

Answer 10

Well most of that is a blurrrr to me but one part caught my eye... GO TO COLLEGE!!!!! If you don't you'll end up in the same sorry cycle as your mother. GO GO GO !!!!!! Please GO!