Helping kiddos deal with alcoholic mom...?

Question

I have 4 beautiful step children. My husband and I have had custody of them for 4 years now. This past summer their mom moved to Kentucky to live with her mom to "get well." She is an acoholic who suffers from severe depression. This Christmas she saw the kids over break and the kids were delighted to see her but at the same time angry that she isn't moving back and can't "not drink" unless she's in Kentucky. How do I help my babies through this confusing time and make sure they know its not their fault their mom drinks and/or its not their responsibilty to take care of her. They are 7, 8 and 9 for gosh sakes! They shouldn't have to be burdened with something like this... Help, please.

Several of you have said "don't disrespect the mom"... I never do. I NEVER say anything negative about her, although sometimes it may be playing nonstop, full volume in my head, I never say bad stuff about her. She is their mom, I will never try to replace her or be disrespectful to my children because I may disagree with her life choices. I love our children too and I just want to be there for them and help them to understand that some things are beyond their control...

Answer 1

Well you should just talk to them about it and the whole situation with their mother and explain to them that it is not their fault about what is going on with their mother. I think it will be a good idea to ask their mother to go to a rihab clinic where they specialize in alcohalics. Just because i think that her children will love to see their mom healthy and not an alcoholic. BUt i f i were you or their father i will ALLOW them to see their mother even if she is still an alcoholic just because if you dont it will really tromitize them and it will hurt them a lot like what happend to me and then i grew up hateing my father and step-mother and i still do. So please dont make that mistake. (my mom was sick with cancer and they didnt let me see my motherand later she passed away and i never saw her).

Answer 2

You need to explain to them that alcoholism is a disease that makes people act in ways that they wouldn't normally behave. You can also explain that it is a bad disease because it makes people think that there is nothing wrong with them so they don't think that they need help. There are a lot of awesome books for children written in their language explaining about addiction. I would urge you to find a good counsellor for these children so that they understand that it has nothing to do with them and that they have not done anything to make their mother act in the way that she does. I sense that you are angry as well and that is understandable, but you are the only mother figure these children have so you have to make sure that you don't condemn this woman in front of them. She is a sick person not a bad person and until she realizes that she need help and their are places and facilities that can do that then there is really nothing anyone else can do.
There are support groups such as alateen that work with kids so they understand and are able to emotionally deal with these issues. Call your local chapter of Al Anon, listed in the phone book and see what kind of resources your area offers for these children. I know this is hard for everyone but thank God that these little children have a sound parental presence with you and your husband. I wish you all the best and God bless.

Answer 3

Try explaining that their mom needs time to gain enough faith and confidence in herself before she can return to Kentucky and feel comfortable. Inform them that she is doing this for not only herself but for them also. It may be hard to explain but if you can relate the alcoholism to a disease that their mom is trying to beat at present and that there is nothing that they have done to make her drink and/or behave the way that she does. Children are a lot more resiliant then we give them credit for and providing that they know mom is doing something for everyone to improve things they will be fine. If possible try and include her in important things in your children's lives and try having a mature and open relationship with her yourself. This may not be easy for either of you but it will be good for the kids (who are after all the most important). A good movie might be The Burning Bed for the kids to watch in order to help them understand better how alcohol messes people up. Good luck and your doing a fine job of being a caring and loving step mom.

Answer 4

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I honestly don't think your being selfish one bit. I am truly on your side and wish your mom would be more understanding to your needs. A daughter always needs their mom, and its tough when they aren't there for you in tough situations. I am not a mom yet, but I would always be there for my daughter if I did no matter what. If there is any way you can get along with your dad and make arrangements where you can live with him temporarily? Maybe even your grandparents. Obviously, your mom isn't being very responsible. I wish I had more answers to help you. Stay strong, talk to your school counselor, a teacher, maybe they can give you more options. Don't give up! Pray alot too..it helps. Good luck and I wish you only the best my dear. =0D

Answer 5

oh honey! i feel for you and your kids!! I my self grew up in a similar situation only my own mother passed away when i was only 8 years old due to drugs. Now my dad really jsut never said anything to me until i was old enough to understand why she was sick. Personally it did not help because i went so many years thinking up my own ideas. So what i think you should do is sit down with all of them and explain that she is sick. The help she needs is in Kentucky. She must love them (but then since i was a kid wondered iif they love us and if they do why do they hurt us and them selves) so maybe clearify other aspecs of it from your own point of view after all you are living it not us. I can suggest that you be very honest and let them ask you any questions and try not to sugar coat it too much because if they really find it all out when then are older they are going to come back to you in anger (just like what i did) maybe even go to your local library and take out movies on alcohol abuse for their age groups like they show in school pausing it from time to time to go over certain things like you and ur hubby watch it take notes and then give a lesson so maybe u can provent them from falling into her foot steps! hope someof this helps! good luck! i'll say a prayer for you and your 'kids'!

Answer 6

There is a program called Al-anon for friends and family members of alcoholics....The kids are a bit young for that but you might want to check out a couple of the meetings to understand alcoholism a bit more...It will help you know what to say to the children...But definitely do not disrespect their mother!

Answer 7

i'm sorry you and the children are having to deal with the wreckage of an alcoholic in the disease.
the best thing you can do is go to al-anon meet'gs and find out exactly how to deal with this situation. (www.al-anon.alateen.org) if you go to the meet'gs make sure to share the situation you are involved in with others in the group. i almost guarantee you'll meet others in similar situations and learn how they have dealt with the issue.
another good thing to do is pray for that poor woman...believe it or not, she is suffering and prayer often works when nothing else can! feel free to contact me if you'd like more support! i'll pray for you and them also! good luck and God bless!

Answer 8

This happened to me as a child at 10 (I'm 21 now)... I think the best thing to do is to tell them that it's not their fault and that they are only x-years-old. Tell them that they shouldn't have to worry about grown-up things yet, they should focus on kid things. It's all true too. OH, and don't bad mouth their mom, it'll make everything worse.

Answer 9

you should call the AA group in your area, they not only have help for the alcoholic, but the family members too
good luck & God bless

Answer 10

I know they are young, but take tem to "AL-ATEEN" !! They don't have to be "TEENAGERS", to go & I know it helps... PLease "Encourage" them to go more than once, P.S. DONOT FORCE THEM TO GO !!!! look-up in phone book under , A.A. , AL-ATEEN or al-anon...Remember it is ANNONYMOUS, please , also encourage them not to talk about the meeting outside of the meeting !!