Why does everyone think that a step parent who has the children in their home should have no say?

Question

I see it all the time on here a parent says that the step mom spanked the child or put them on punishment or said they need birth control and the parent thinks the step parent shouldnt have any say. Well if the kid lives with the step parent then I say they should have some say as they are the primary caretaker of the child. If the children come to thier house for the week end then they are still the primary caretakers of the kids during that time frame and as a result should have some say.

Answer 1

Unless the stepchild is doing something directly disrespectful to the step-parent, or is doing something immediately harmful.Then I think the appropriate measures should be taken up with the biological parent and then that parent is the one that should address the child. The situation is hard enough and it only makes things worse when the step-parent disciplines a child alone.

Answer 2

Before two people get married they MUST agree on 3 things. Money, Inlaws, and Kids. Before getting married the soon to be step parent will already know to what end they will have responsibility of raising the kids.

The current mentality (which I believe is faulty), is that Step parents need to befriend their step children. Over and over on these forums we see the results of that mentality. The Step-parent assumes the role of peer or equal in the eyes of the child, rather than the role of parent. Therefore the child then disregards or disrespects the Step-parent, rather seeking the approval of the biologicals. In some case this disregard turns violent.

Assuming that a Step-parent is not capable of taking care of children is of course absurd. If you have a family and looking to marry a person, the person you choose will be a person you believe can provide the proper influences on your child (assuming you care about your children).

Step-parents should be an active "parent" in the role of taking care of a child. The child will respect a "parent" whether biological or not, much more readily then a "friend". Step-parents must understand that you cannot buy a childs love through friendship, they will love you when they can trust you, and trust that you love them.

Answer 3

I agree, however, I think it needs to be discussed between the parent and step-parent (as soon as the living situation commences, if not sooner!), and then explained to the children. They both live there and the kids need to know that the "real" parent is #1, but that the step- has authority as well. If the adults dont discuss expectations and disciplinary consequences for the kids, and then let the kids know about them... you're GOING to run into instances where what the step- says is opposite of what the parent has said previously. Same thing happens in traditional households too... but when a step is involved it seems to create more unrest.

Answer 4

It's kind of tricky. And it matters the age of the child. If they are younger, than time outs and stuff are good, but try to stay away from spanking. They may end up disliking you and the older they get, the less they'll want to be at your house, hurting the father. And you may start a feud with the real mother, causing even more problems. I guess it just matters the how the biological parents and the steps all get along, and you have to talk with them and agree on what is okay for disipline and whats not.

Answer 5

I can really see it from both sides. A step parent not having any authority over a child who lives in there home for majority of the time and not being able to speak there opionions that sucks. But try and see it from the parents side would you want an almost complete stranger disciplining and making decisions that involve your child that can be kind of scary considering the way that some step parents can be.

Answer 6

I think the bilogical parent or spouse should converse with their spouse about the fact their husband or wife will be apart of their childrens life and that hey will be helping with punishment and the growth of their children. If the childs biological father or mother cannot handle this then you have a problem. Anyone who has been divorce and remarried should know when you or they remarry and there are kids envolved you are going to have other people helping with the care of your children. they are their parent to just not bilogically. the children will grow up to either respect the step parent or reject the step parent and them having a say in their lives is apart of that.

Answer 7

Blended families are hard to adjust to. Adults dont know it but you have to earn the respect of your spouse's children and know not to overstep their boundaries. At the same time, you have to establish rules of the house and make sure that they respect your home. When is comes down to discipline, the parent should be responsible fro carrying that out because it has a negative effect on the relationship of the child and step parent. It takes time to build trust. Step parents should have a say in what goes on, but they also have to know their place as the STEP parent....

Answer 8

I am a step-mom and my hubby has custody. My stepdaughters mother has the opinion that I should not be able to authorize doctors visits, school stuff, anything of that nature and the woman lives 3 hours away. My husband works longer hours than I so essentially it's just myself and my SD. It's ridiculous. Hubby signed and had a power of attorney notarized giving me all the rights regarding SD's care and now her stupid mother can't say a thing. In my opinion, if the child is living in my home, said child will live by my rules.

Answer 9

I agree with you if I was the step mom and kids are coming to my house I do have rules, they will be followed or there will be punishment, and if the real mom has an issue too bad, because it is my house--But the punishment always fits the rule they broke, I start with timeouts, and work up to being grounded and YES I do believe sometimes they need to be spanked, and those times I would leave them to my hubby to spank cuz they are his kids too, and then the "real" mom can't be pissed at me.

Answer 10

I had my step son in my home for a few short months and had my say with no physical involved, but yeah I had my say but nothing happened to keep him from staying out of trouble. I for one figured he was in my home and he needs to respect all adults including me...since he didn't feel the need he went back to his mothers.