Terminally ill parent?

Question

What do you say to your father when you know he is dying from cancer? Do you talk about the disease or do you ignore it?

Answer 1

I'm so sorry for you - I know exactly what you are going through just now as I lost my father in May 2006. He too had a battle against cancer. My mother cared for him at home for about 1.5 years then the last 6 months he was between home and a hospice.

During his time at home we all visited almost every night after work, also to help our Mum with some respite (there are 3 daughters so we kind of took it in rotation!) - this gave us all time on our own with our Dad and we all bonded even closer with him throughout this time as we were able to talk and reminise about times gone past, good memories of happy times we had had growing up, silly things that had happened during our growing up into adulthood - always when we left we would tell him we loved him and as we kissed him goodbye he would pat my head with his shaky hand and say I love you too. Any silly arguments that had happened over the years were forgotten - life is too short.

Don't get me wrong it was a very very hard thing to watch your own father die but I have learned SO much (my sisters also). My mother is an angel for caring for him for as long as she did (she is 73 and he was 75), even though he was bed bound for the last year and she had to help him on the commode as although he had a cathater in to help him wee he had to much pride and dignity to lie in bed and do the other business. She cared for him at home right until the day before he died when he was taken to hospital - and that is what hurt her as he always wanted to die at home.

Because of the amount of time that we went to our Mum & Dads our own marriages suffered, remember this went on constantly for 1.5 years, but I have to say my husband and also my sisters were wonderful - obviously there were arguments but they were really just blowing off steam moments. You have to keep your partner fully involved with what you are going through.

When he died at last he was free of the pain he had been in - and we had all come so much closer. Now he is at peace.

I love you Dad.

Answer 2

Don't igore it. Ask him how he feels. He knows he is dying. Aslk him if there is anything at all you can do to make him more comfortable. It is also a great time to remember the good times you had together and tell him you are sorry for past mistakes and make sure he knows how much you love him. I got to sped the last two weeks with my father when he was dying and I would not have traded that experience for the world. None of has ever died so we cannot relate to that part, but we can be there to listen, and comfort and there is nothing wrong with letting him comfort you as well. I am sorry you are losing your father, but cherish every second that you have left with him and it will be very nice later on to know that you were there.

Answer 3

My father in law died of lung cancer last year. The doctor and nurses talked to my sister in law and her husband only, not even with my mother in law, nor my husband. They decided to tell them just two days before he died, he got very upset and sad about that situation, and it made things worse. He knew he had cancer, but he didn't know it already was on it's terminal stage.
Just imagine how you would feel if you were dying and everybody knew but you!
I would recommend you to talk to him, he has the right to know what is going on in his body and about his lifetime.

Answer 4

It depends on how your father feels about it. Since you asked "how do you", I will tell you that when my father was dying, I did not *dwell* on it, but we did have some honest talks about it. We knew what his wishes were and respected them. I talked to him about who should get what (if he had specific things in mind). I also let him know how much I would miss him - and I really do! He died 4 years ago this past Tuesday and I am so glad that we were able to be honest and talk about things. He told me that he wasn't scared to die, but that he was worried about my sister, mother and I. He told us he loved us, and we him... My sister and I also decided not to hide the fact that he was dying from our children (then 7, 6 and 5). They knew what was coming and it made it easier on them.

As for you and your family, I hope you will find the right answer for yourself. Just don't leave important things unsaid. I am so sorry that you have to go through this and wish you strength to get through this time.

Best wishes to you and your family, and comfort for all of you.

Answer 5

Oh, honey. Stick close to family [*any* family] and friends...... Say only nice things and cover tears with bravery. Be sweet and the world will lay at your feet.- those are choice words, and this is from someone who's read *all* of Socrates, Plato, Solomon [actually spent many *many* thousands of hours studying his stuff, even into the ancient Hebrew], Aristotle, etc ad-infinitum.

Yes, you're right, basically only say pleasent things. Talk of fond times and gay things.

Paying something back to all of those wonderful people who made my childhood such a beautiful dream.

Answer 6

There is no sense in making it your only subject of conversation, but you certainly can't ignore it, so talk about it when he wants to, but use the time to talk about other things, your hopes and his memories. Ask him questions about his life, his wishes, find out if he wants or needs to talk to anyone in particular. He may need to make amends with someone or to let someone know that he cares about them. This is also the time to make sure that you are clear on his wishes for medical treatments or funeral services, while he is still able to communicate those things to you. It isn't easy, but once you have broached the subject it is more of a relief for both of you to get it out in the open.

Answer 7

What you ignore is the advice of ignorant people who tell you this disease isn't curable. Unless he wants to die and then there is nothing you can do. Cancer is caused by anaerobism. Bring the oxygen back in and the cancer runs for its life. I personally have no interest in death, so I'm ignoring your question and giving you information. That way if yer dad wants to die he can and you can use the info.

Dr. Jordan Ruben: RM-10 and Perfect Food
Dr. Matthias Rath: Vitamin C
Bob Barefoot: Coral Calcium and other products.

Answer 8

I think you should be there to comfort him during any and all troubling times. Also, encourage him that he can get through it with a strong heart. Do not let him just give up no matter what.

Answer 9

be supportive, remember the good times, talk about the old times and mostly love your parent and enjoy the time you have left