What do I do?

Question

OK, here is the deal. I am the father of a 15 year old daughter, whose best friend is pregnant. The girl in question, we shall call her "Ann" (not her real name obviously) wants my wife to drive her to get an abortion. I am VEHEMENTLY opposed to abortion, except in the case of rape, incest, or danger to the mother's life. None of these apply in the case of "Ann". I know that alot of people will cry "Women's Rights" in answering this question, but in my opinion, "Ann" had a right to NOT have sex in the first place. So. Moving on.

I told my wife that if she drives this 15 year old girl to a clinic, I was gone. As in, see ya later, no looking back, next train out of Dodge, GONE. She got all upset, saying I had no say in this at all. It has resulted in me and her not speaking at all, for a week, with no end in sight.

Here is my question. Did I do the right thing, saying what I did? More in the added details.....

The whole reason "Ann" asked is because she's afraid of what her Dad (a buddy of mine, and another opponent of abortion, btw) will do or think. What do I do in this situation? BTW, I am not a new member to YA, but I used a fresh ID for this question, because it's so sensitive.

Notyou....I was 17 when my daughter was born, my wife was 16. We NEVER considered abortion. Adoption, yes, but never abortion. We lived with our "mistake", and our daughter has been the light of our lives.

Answer 1

You have a right to your own opinion. I don't agree with abortion either. That means I won't have one, I won't tell a friend to have one, I won't drive a friend to have one, and I won't console a friend after they have had one. I believe that when you believe in something, you believe in it 100%. I don't think your wrong in this situation.

*I guess I'll be right there with you getting thumbs down...lol


Edit to add: I had my first child at 18; got pregnant at 17. She'll be 3 in April. My cousin got pregnant a month before her 15th birthday. She talked about getting an abortion. I told her exactly what I felt about it. Her little girl is due next month and she couldn't be happier that she changed her mind.

Answer 2

hi there! it seems like the problem is rooted far deeper than your belief of when abortion is permissible and when not, and more than the issue of women's right to their own body. i might sound like a shrink here, but here's my observation.

i think you take this case of "ann" a little bit more serious than you actually would like, consciously. i'm afraid the problem lies with your own fear that this case of "ann" COULD be a case of your own daughter, who is just the same age as ann and hangs around with ann. faced with this 'possible scenario', unconsciously, you did react a little bit too much. i don't see why it was necessary to give your wife such an ultimatum. my best bet is, you could be afraid that she may do just the same thing IF your daughter is in ann's shoes.

now, to make the matter worst, ann's dad is your buddy. so here, your 'ego' is somehow in question. (don't worry, to have ego isn't bad. everyone has it, including your wife and i.) summing all the factors up, as i see it, your reaction is the sum of your emotions for being torn apart from all your 'ideals.' first, your fear for your daughter, which is perfectly normal. after all, parents do wish the best for their children and are protective. second, your belief on when is abortion becomes a necessity. and third, your dilemma of having to face your buddy and his wife. to the third factor, you may also be driven by the fear that, if your daughter is in ann's place, she might ask someone else instead.

having to say that, here's a possible solution. you owe your wife an apology for giving such harsh consequence of an action she may still consider to do. (she has not taken ann to a clinic yet, has she?) talk things through with her. not only how ann's situation may reflect that of your fear for your daughter, but also how both of you, as responsible adults, have to be accountable with regards to ann's parents.

next, get together, also with ann and your daughter. be open to ann - open doesn't mean being rude, remember, although ann is only 15, she IS AN INDIVIDUAL, about what are the consequences that you and your wife have to carry on your shoulders if you go ahead with ann's wish. ann is probably frantic and scared, and will be irrational. provide support - that way your daughter will also learn how accountable her parents are as adults! suggest to her that you will be there for her if she talks to her parents.

now, so far, i've not mention about the abortion per se. look, people have the right to their own opinion of what is right and what is wrong. you should speak up your mind and let others know what they might don't know before. however, at the end of it, decision is always in the hand of that person.

in sum, mend your relationship with your wife. good luck!

Answer 3

Yes! I think you were wrong. Your wife loves you. The question i am woundering now is do you love your wife. If you would throw away years of marrage over this issue then you have bigger issues to punder. The girl needs a friend and you need to get off her back. I paid for a friends abortion and have to live with it. I can not even go into the store of the parents now...but i did what i thought was right at the time. The girl went on to school and got a degree, got married, and had another child and now has a great job and can efford to pervide for her family. Note: If the girl has the baby just for moral reasons then it is the parents that have to pay the price...I know I have 2 grandkids I have to pay for because of dead beat sperm donors...the boys do not want to have anything to do with the kids and now I have to tell them that their sperm donor...I mean Father does not want them and never has. The youngerst one is 2 and has never gotten a birthday present or christmas present from his father...is this what you want for Ann....look into your heart and you will see...a child needs a loving family...mom and dad...not just grandparent.

Answer 4

resorting to leaving your wife i really dont think is the answer, but i do agree that she should not be the one taking "Ann," I also think that maybe you should let the father of "ann" know whats up since he is your buddy and "ann" is only 15... How would you feel in his shoes knowing that you have a 15 year old also... I'm sure you would want to know that your daughter is pregnant and wanting an abortion.... But dont leave your wife she is probably just trying to help the girl..

Answer 5

I think honestly your wife should not get involved, the girl, "Ann" made the decision to have sex, then she needs to take the responsibility to inform her parents, regardless of what their views are. From there "Ann" and her parents can make a conscience decision on what to do there. No one, including your wife should enable the girl, because at that age she might not realize the severity of the situation, unless you make her do the right thing, which starts with informing her parents. You and your wife should not let this issue destroy your marriage, but you need to make Ann handle this herself, and not jeopardize your marriage. This is a very serious issue. I do not agree in abortion at all, and I have an eight month old myself, but it is hard work, and I am worried about our future, because the children are our future. Good luck with this.

Answer 6

I think you were a little over doing it when you told her you would leave, but I understand that you were just try'n to get her to understand where you were coming from. The way I see it is that this girl has parents and she is their responsibility and they need to know what is going on with their daughter. Your wife is not the girls guardian or parents so she should not be able to make decisions about what goes on with a 15 year old that is not her child. Your wife needs to realize that she could be in alot of trouble if she takes the girl and her parents find out about it. If you are friends with the girls parents then you need to tell them. If they want to let her have an abortion then if your wife still wants to take her let her. Best of luck with this one!!!!!!!

Answer 7

Maybe suggest that your wife take Ann to see a counsellor or somebody that can help her make a more informed decision and discuss various options for her such as adoption. I think it's your wife's choice to do what she wants, but she should also realize that you are sensitive to the topic. If Ann decides that an abortion is what she wants then maybe she could ask somebody else to take her to the clinic or take a bus.

Answer 8

I think you did the Right thing my standing up for what you believe I also think that since this girls father is a freind of yours and opposed to Abortion you should tell him or at least tell "Ann" that she should discuss it with him if he's really Against it than surely he'll can help her find another way of takeing care of the situation.

Answer 9

I am opposed to abortion. I do not think you were wrong in saying that to your wife,because,it's not her responsibility nor is she obligated to take the girl to get an abortion. And her saying that you have no say in the matter,well,technically SHE doesn't either,and the girl is resorting to her because she is willing to take her to get it done,and that's not fair. Who's right is it to decide to end that little person's life. Maybe you should suggest to your wife to talk to the girl and ask her if she is REALLY aware what abortion is. So many people these days are ignorant and are taught to believe that it's just,"tissue",and you're not harming anyone. Have your wife and the girl look at these pictures and then see if she still wants to have it done. She needs to be an adult and take responsibility for her actions. Obviously she thought she was adult enough having sex, but she obviously isn't.
http://www.holylamb.com/abortion2.htm
The babies in those photos are all the same human they were at 4wks,12wks,20wks,and so on,they're not just tissue.

Answer 10

HI, WELL I WOULD TELL MOM AND DAD. IF THAT CAN'T BE THE ANSWER. YOU NEED TO DO IT AS A FAMILY. WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE YOUR WIFE OVER THESE. ALL SHE IS DOING IS TRYING TO HELP THIS LITTLE GIRL. I THINK THERE IS SOME THING ELSE GOING ON IN YOU MAR RAGE. YOU ARE LOOK FOR A WAY OUT. YOUR WIFE SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT YOU HAVE NO SAY IN THIS BECAUSE YOU DO. YOU NEED TO SAY AS THE FATHER OF THE HOUSE. YOU ALL NEED TO SET DOWN AND TALK MAKER HER SET AND LISTEN TO YOUR FAMILY TALK ABOUT ALL THE TROUBLE THAT IS HAS CAUSE THE FAMILY . THIS IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL. SHE IS NOT EVEN YOUR DAUGHTER. I KNOW I SAID ONCE. TELL THE MOM AND DAD LET THEM DO WHAT THEY NEED TO DO WITH THERE DAUGHTER. THESE SHOULD NOT BE YOUR PROBLEM.