Future mother in law called me spoiled to my fiancee?

Question

I just found out that my future mother-in-law is telling my fiancee that I'm very spoiled. I'm not sure about what she means because I am very grateful for what my parents have helped me with. I'm still a college student and my folks give me a couple of hundred a month, plus pay for my car (a deal my dad and I made if I got a scholarship to college). I work part time to pay for rent and extras and work hard to get mostly A's with a few B's for grades in a tough academic situation. His parents are hard working from a farming community. They paid for his $150 insurance payment for the month of December and called that his Christmas present.

Do you think that being spoiled is measured by the amount of money a person has? Or, is being spoiled defined by how a person acts and treats other people? How should I handle this situation:

Many Thanks

Answer 1

I'm in the same boat you are kind of, and I don't consider myself spoiled. In fact, I'm always thanking my parents and I do my best to pay off my own credit card bills, etc. My dad told me that my first priority should be school, and he'll do the rest-- that's what he calls "our deal." So I don't consider myself spoiled, I consider myself privileged. (So many people's parents say adios after high school). I told my dad thank you, and recently my jaw dropped to the ground in disbelief when he said he would see what he could do when it came to grad school- I had ALWAYS pictured myself on my own at that point and not receiving any parental financial aid.

Your fiancé (spelled with one e, I'm pretty sure- when you're describing a male), most likely from what you've stated above, was not as lucky as you growing up. His mother, as a natural reaction for really feeling guilty inside that she was not able to provide him with more, responded negatively. (What mother wouldn't give their child as much as they could?) Also, I kind of believe in a Freud-similar theory (not THAT deep into it), but she's probably going through some jealousy issues that you're now replacing her as your fiancé's number one woman.

Because of this, I encourage you to ignore what comments you've heard about being spoiled. She obviously doesn't know you, and you should spend time with her to get to know you- to not only prove her wrong, but to get off on the right foot with your future mother-in-law. Try to swallow the few hard obstacles that may be thrown your way- they're probably given to you by the family to see if you'll last. You can do this. Go on lunch dates with her, as her to show you some of her recipes- get to know HER. If she sees that you're into making a sincere friendship with her, she might not mind so much "sharing" her son's love with another woman.

Show her the woman that your man fell in love with.

Good luck!:)

Oh, and ps- I think GENERALLY speaking, "spoiled" is used to determine someone who gets a lot of things easily, but "spoiled brat" is more like someone who isn't grateful and always wants more.

Nowadays, however, I think the term "spoiled" is most likely the same thing as calling anyone a "spoiled brat" because the connotation that the word spoiled has itself is negative. Just like milk spoils when it goes bad, so does a kid when you give him too many things and he/she doesn't learn the value of earning.

Answer 2

You are fortunate to have parents that can afford to give you more than your future in-laws can give your future husband, and maybe, just maybe, his mother feels bad she can't do the same for her son and there comes the little green monster- jealousy-- and she calls you "spoiled" -- in retrospect to her very limited indulgence on her son--- car insurance payment for a Christmas gift?

DO NOT BE INSULTED, in fact, do not make anything of it. Be grateful you have such good parents and that you are doing so well in school and was smart enough to obtain a scholarship. Do not feel bad about good things that you have been given because of the hard work you have done.

I do not feel that she will continue to be as vocal, at least I hope not, but in the best interest of your relationship with her and your fiancee', do not comment or take it to heart---- consider it meaningless and that she is the victim of the little green monster in all of us.

Good luck to you and your honey-- Happy New Year!

Answer 3

no. ur fine really. you might want to be careful in the future to not flaunt anything in front of his parents. you're a student still so you do what you have to do including recieving from your parents thats great. wonderful they got you a car.
I get the impression you are both from working class families so dont start comparing your tiny dollars and cents there. Stay focussed in school now, dont worry about your M-I-L, chances are she is just jealous that she cant give as much for her son. the very last thing you want to do is flaunt what you are given to her or make it an issue to him so he goes whining to momma.
Its all out of love im sure so stay focussed on the positive. If you let this bother you there will be many more mundanities that will also get in your way.
I cant say she would or even possibly can approve of you one way or the other at this point in your life because the two of you (fiances) are so young right? If you are still that much partially a child and still have a ways to mold yourself in education and find your way in the world that is something that someone cannot respect as a full proper adult to approve of or not for thier own child. Look at this through the lens of common sense. Drop all pretentions of feelings and likes and dislikes and see she probably respects you 85% or so but that tiny slice of the pie is how much further you have to go to proclaim who you are and what you are about. Respect is a two way street. And things that are irregardable by respect cannot be respected and considered anything but. 'Spoiled' should be one of the better adjectives that should come your way out of everything possible in this world so please fret not at that. Don't cry over spilled milk. And don't raise an accurate assesment to debate with her until there is more proof and that can only come with time and effort in just being true to yourself.

Answer 4

I think being spoiled isn't about what you have, it's about what you take for granted.

I don't know you, but from what I see here your attitude sounds healthy to me, and it also sounds to me like you have it harder than I did when I went to college, and are more appreciative of everything you have than I was then (and my parents struggled to get by when I was a child).

That said, though, when dealing with some people, especially those who are going to be in your life no matter what, sometimes the facts are less important than what you're willing to do to build the relationship and keep communications open. Have you tried asking your fiance why his mother considers you spoiled, or asking his mother directly why she feels this way? It will probably be difficult, and it will take both courage and tact, but if you're going to marry this guy, then you're going to have his mother in your life for a very long time, and if you try to see where she's coming from and try to help her see where you're coming from, it will do you a lot more good than just being right.

Answer 5

Just let it go...It's not worth creating a big huge problem between both of you. And pointing out the above things you mentioned to her isn't going to change her opinion. And being spoiled isn't necessarily a bad thing. You worked hard to recieve your scholarship. You're parents also pay for college stuff because they want to see you suceed in life. Your fiancee's parent's maybe can not afford to do that. It's all about perception. You don't need his mother to validate that you are a good person....Unless she says something directly to you that is offensive I would take her comments with a grain of salt.

Answer 6

Hi,

I think your family is generous... you are not spoiled, you're obviously grateful and don't just take, take, take. Unfortunately your future MIL sounds like she is immature and doesn't see beyond the fact that your family has more money to offer you than they have to offer their son. Perhaps she feels like she isn't doing a good job, like somehow she resents your parents for what they give you since she can't/won't do it for her son. In any case, it's very rude and immature of her. If you do get married then unfortunately you'll likely have more of these run-ins with her. Sometimes in-laws don't always see eye-to-eye. Just realize you're the bigger person and don't make a big issue of it unless she prolongs it. Maybe she never realized that your finace would tell you... but in any case she shouldn't have said it.

As long as you're fiance is on your side (that he knows you're not spoiled, she's wrong, etc) then that's good. Perhaps get him to talk to his mother about it, just i know issues like these can escalate if a big deal is made of this so maybe for everyone's peace you should just drop it (i know it's hard) but other than that just make sure your fiance and you always present a united front and the MIL can't do much to hurt you guys. Good luck :)

Answer 7

Acting like a spoiled brat is entirely different than being spoiled, and in reality it's all a point of view thing anyway. So if you take into consideration his upbringing vs. yours, then yes, they may view you as spoiled. I would ask your fiance to stick up for you the next time she says this, to point out to his Mom that you very well may be spoiled, but that you certainly don't act like a spoiled brat. My stepmom spoiled us, and she always defended herself by saying that she wanted us to live well so that we would work hard to live well when we were on our own, and we are all hard workers, although that's mostly because all our parents were good examples of hard workers. She's not really talking bad about your character, so that's better than if she were bad mouthing your character.

Answer 8

I think that being labeled as spoiled could be from both actions and persons financial status.
The point is it doesn't really matter whether or not you are spoiled. She should be more concerned with how you treat her son.

Considering you plan to marry this man you will no doubt have to deal with his mother as well. The best thing you can do is to talk to her. Confronting someone isn't easy as I'm sure we all can contest. There probably isn't much you can do to change her opinion however it takes courage to discuss something of this nature and therefore may change her outlook on you overall.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

Sounds like she is jealous of you. Some people who never went to college cannot fully appreciate the value of that level of education. You and your parents are doing the right thing. In fact what your parents do for you is none of their business. I hope your boyfriend stood up for you. If he did not he never will. Continue to go to college any way you can. Your parents recognize the importance of college at whatever the cost. My parents were like your future in-laws. Only someone who works hard every day for very little money is a good, decent person. Its sad. Hope your boyfriend does not feel the same way. He could easily drag you down in life.

Answer 10

If he's your fiancee, you're engaged and if you're engaged, presumably your fiancee knows you a tad bit better than his mother does.

Perhaps his mother is just wary of having her son's affections with another woman and this may be the slightest surfacing of envy. Because you're from a different background than she is, perhaps she doesn't understand that you aren't exactly spoilt.

I've always felt that 'spoiled' referred to how a person acted and treats others. A person can come from a wealthy background, but that does not necessarily mean he is spoilt.

As for handling the situation, if you are willing to talk to your mother-in-law, you might want to bring it up and explain to her that you work hard to be where you are now and are grateful to those who have helped you along. If you aren't willing to talk to your future mother-in-law, perhaps your fiancee can calmly explain to her your situation and ask his mother to please refrain from making such judgements about his bride-to-be.