Bridesmaid Drama?

Question

I wanted to let my BM vote on their dresses (based on my choices) but my MOH just went diva on me, telling me she refused to wear a halter or strapless dress.
All 3 of my girls have the same body type, so the fact that the other 2 aren't giving me restrictions makes her behavior seem worse. She even emailed me this treat when I tried to tell her not everyone will agree on the final choice and hopefully she'll still be happy to be in my wedding.

"Well most nice brides would want their brides maids to feel comfortable at their wedding :p My cousin gave us two choices because some of us had nice cleavage and others hardly any (like me) and that worked out great. we still matched, we were all the same color. So what's so hard about that?
Crystal"

If she's doing this now (I just appointed her around Christmas) what's in store for me in the future? Should I fire her?
When I was a BM I never had a say in my dress, so I thought offering the vote was nice, but it's just drama.

I wouldn't have minded looking for more dresses with her but she omitted the two more common necklines. Not dresses, entire necklines.
I cared for her enough to ask her to be in it but I don't feel I should cater to her every whim.
I told her twice that if she doesn't look good in it I won't make her wear it. But I want all of my girls to match.
She's not normally prone to diva hood that I really know of but ever since i mentioned MOH she was like "how much work am I going to have to do?" (Not much since I'm a do it myself bride)
We've been friends for 5 years so to have this much drama so soon is shocking and disappointing.

Answer 1

if you cherish you friendship you should tell her you think it would be best if she just came to the wedding as a guest. she will continue to stress you out making you unable to enjoy this stressful time (smile) or possibly ruin a portion of your day/experience with her attitude. and your friendship will defin. end up over! good luck!

Answer 2

She is not being a diva. You should not ask her to wear something that makes her uncomfortable. She clearly has some kind of issues with her body and can't wear those styles-- so you need to present choices tothe BMs that don't upset her.

What would you do if one of your friends could not wear strapless or halters for religious reasons (like many women)? Dump her?

It would be extremely rude, AND bad etiquette, to "fire" a bridesmaid, especially for this simple of a problem. (If she does something truly horrible like burns down your house or murders your pets, THEN you can fire a bridesmaid.) Having an opinion about dresses is a minor snag, and NOT cause for you to dump this friend.

It's your responsibility to find something everyone is comfortable with. Or, just give all of them the same color swatch and let them choose their own gowns in that color, and you can have varying styles and fabrics but all same color-- many brides are going that route these days, as it is very "hassle-free."

I mean, really, you're talking about ending or seriously damaging a FIVE YEAR friendship-- over what?? A SINGLE PIECE OF CLOTHING. Is that really the kind of person you want to be? Is that the message you really want to be putting out there in the world? A halter dress is more important than a person?

Answer 3

Spend one day with her - go to David's Bridal and have her try on dresses. Make her try on ones you like and ones she likes. Then, see how it goes. I, personally, did not want a strapless dress in my friend's wedding. However, when we went to try on dresses - sure enough, the strapless looked the best on me.

If she's not prone to being a diva and this is a shock to you, give it a shot and spend one day trying on dresses with her. If you don't like the way it goes, respectfully ask her to step down. Perhaps offer another position in the wedding so that she can wear the clothes she wants to wear. But bear in mind, a bridesmaid's dress is quite expensive. I can understand her freaking out about spending that much money on a dress she will hate. Give each of you a chance, though. You may be surprised at the outcome. The fact that she is reacting so strongly may be an indication of how excited and nervous she is to be in your wedding. I know this doesn't make it easier for you, but it may explain a lot....

Answer 4

While I do understand that your hurt, look at it from her side as well. Her email may have come across as a tad bit harsh, BUT, have you ever been forced to wear a dress you feel miserable or even ashamed in? Not a great feeling. Personally, I solved the dilemma with my bridesmaids by choosing the designer, the color and the length and let them go to town and choose what they liked. Each girl gets to hide what they don't like or show off what they do. I think they are going to look fabulous in the pictures because they feel great on the inside. Be the better person and let them choose their dresses (within your guidelines of course) they will all appreciate it I assure you. Honestly, when everyone is all matchy-matchy I think it looks a little dated. Letting your 'maids pick their own dresses is the modern thing to do! Good luck to you. I hope she isn't going to give you trouble with things other than dresses though.

Answer 5

If you fire her, you will lose her friendship forever.

Is she prone to diva-hood? Then you've made your choice knowing her personality! Live with it.

Is this unusual? Then she may be having issues you aren't aware of.

I would ask her over for lunch, tell her that the email seemed angry and made you feel as though perhaps she didn't want to be a MOH. Tell her you were trying to be fair and you were very hurt by the email. Try talking to her. Explain to her why you chose the styles you did. She may open up. You may be able to come to something you both can live with. If she is close enough to be a MOH, you are close enough to care about her feelings. She doesn't have to get her own way - but treat it compassionately.

If she is your MOH she is your friend. Solve this problem as a friend, not a bride.

Answer 6

I think a nice option would be to choose a colour, and have the girls choose a dress which suits their figures. Then some can pick strapless, others a more modest one if they wish. I've seen pics with this done, and it looks very classy and stylish. Actually, they are not causing the drama, it is you.

Answer 7

Is it possible that she's refusing those two necklines because of the difficulty of wearing a bra with them? I am well endowed, and it's a total nightmare finding a bra that fits to wear under anything that doesn't have sleeves or straps, and to think that I'd have to wear one of those and stand up in front of people would really have me sweating bullets. Maybe you should ask her why she has a problem w/those styles, and maybe if you are gracious about it, or ask her why, it will all make more sense. Maybe she has a tattoo she doesn't want anyone to know about? I dont' know?

Answer 8

As someone who was a bride and bridesmaid, I say don't offer choices!!! WE ARE GIRLS AND WE ARE BIT#$#@ if you know what I mean. The idea is nice, but you make the decision. It's one thing if you pick out a butt ugly dress, but if you take into consideration all the girls, sizes, etc. I think you should be able to make a rational decision. Tell her that it is your day, and you would appreciate it if she would keep hurtful comments to herself. She doesn't have to be in the wedding. But if she isn't bc of the style of the dress, should she have been in it in the first place?? It is your day, it should be fun, and of course a little stressful. Tell her to get on board or beat it!!!!

Answer 9

She should feel comfortable in the wedding. I see her point and I think it is great she is being upfront about it. When a bridesmaid is forced to wear something, you can tell. People feel sorry for them.

I have been married twice and I allowed my bridesmaids to chose their dresses. My weddings were both beautiful. Please work with her and try to find a dress that makes you both happy.

Answer 10

If this seems to be turning into a drama, you do not need the extra stress at a time like this. You could tell her you have changed your mind about her being in it, since there is no agreement from her about the dresses. It will be this then something else. She sounds like she wants to be in control. She can do that at her own wedding.

Answer 11

Perhaps you could choose one color, and length and let them pick the style they want (the two piece ones are a nice option then you can all have the same skirt, and opt for different tops. Let them choose between 5-6 different styles.) You still have to have some say in what goes...it your damn wedding.