OK so I have a problem. My fiance has two sisters...they both have little girls. I asked the 3year old mother if her daughter would be my flower girl. She said yes. Well about a month later the other sister the one with the 1 year old told me that I hurt her feeling for not asking her daughter to be in it. And she said she was going to get a dress made that looked like the flower girl dresses and her daughter could hand out something. ????......I was really upset about this because she invited her daughter to be in the wedding. I told her that that was fine and that her daughter could hand out something but what could I say??? but Im having second thought.. I couldnt say no when she was right there..I want to tell her sorry I only want the people in the wedding that I have chosen and I dont want your daughter to wear the same dresses as my flower girls but I dont know how to say it. But the woman invited herself to be in it....the little girl cant even walk yet.PLEASE HELP!
2007-01-04 15:20:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I have two flower girls. I don't want a third.I have no problem with her she adorable. But its my wedding right?? So, why are people putting them selfs in it. I just dont understand. I was in my cousins wedding and she has a daughter that can be a flower girl. But shes not in it. I can't let everyone be in it. Im I wrong?
2007-01-04 15:28:43 · update #1
Wow...what a presumptuous lady your sister-in-law is! There is a BIG difference between ASKING to have her daughter included and TELLING you that she will be included. It would get my goat in a big way if I were you. Here's the deal though, if you make a gigantic deal about her NOT being in it, trust me, this incident will haunt your relationship with her (and prob. other family members) forever. Personally though, how does she expect a 1 year old to "hand out" things? Too too young for that. Why don't you let her wear a similar dress and include her in some portraits with your other flower girls, but not actually walk or hand things out. Your are correct in theory that what this woman did is totally wrong, but you have to live with this family for a very long time as well. Sorry for your sticky situation!
2007-01-04 16:50:21 · answer #1 · answered by MelB 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You are actually wrong - not necissarily in your decsion but how you handled it. You create these problems when you start to pick and choose children. Wait until you are a mom - you'll understand. These girls are your future nieces, and a closer family tie than a cousins child. These are the children of your husband's sisters!! Think of him.
Were you even planning on the 1 y.o. being there at all? Are there any other children coming other than the flower girl?
You can not invite one cousin to be in the wedding and snub the other.
The right thing to do would have been to talk to the 1 y.o.'s mom up front and explained that you are asking the 3 y.o. because she is older and can handle the responsiblity. That is perfectly okay and she should have understood. Not saying anything to her was bound to lead to hurt feelings - and they did.
I think it is good compromise to let the 1. y.o. have a matching dress & be in a few photos - what would that hurt? The mom is a little off thinking that she could hand something out - but you're going to have to live with this woman so choose your battles. Let her toddle over to grandma and grandpa with their birdseed. That's all she'll be able to handle anyway.
If you didn't want the 1 y.o. there to begin with you could have even said that the reception hall is set up for preschoolers, but not babies. A 3 y.o. sits in a regular chair, eats regular food, drinks from a cup, and goes potty. A 1 y.o. needs a high chair, diaper changing etc. and the reception site just isn't set up for that.
At this point - the situation is what it is - your best option should probably be to apologize and say that you just assumed that 1 was too young to be in a wedding and that you didn't mean hurt feelings. To keep the peace (for your husband's sake as he'll suffer more than you) but not ruin your wedding - let the 1 y.o. come, let her wear a matching dress and let her hand out one or two somethings (and really - it's not like the 1.yo. will realize she's not being included - this is about mom). Just perhaps ask mom that she sit in the back in case she gets fussy during the ceremony. Nothing is worse than a crying child at a wedding.
good luck
PS - In some weddings all the children get to come up and be a part of the ceremony - such as in the beginning they all come up and place a rose in a basket for the bride. That way if you are having children there, they all feel a part of things.
2007-01-04 23:27:35 · answer #2 · answered by apbanpos 6 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I know it's tough. I just don't understand why you don't want this little girl in the wedding. A reason behind that would be very useful.
Do you have personal problem with this woman? Is her child not well behaved? I guess I just don't see the problem with a one year old being a part of a family wedding. Heck, you could have two flower girls.
Please add details as to why this is such a big deal. Thanks!
It is your wedding. What does it hurt if a little girl is in it? I still don't understand what the big deal is. Is it that bad to have three flower girls. You won't have to pay for the dress.
I think you should be more considerate. I can understand the mother's frustration about her daughter not being in it--it seems like everyone else's is. Either way, it's up to you. If I were you though I'd just let her be a flower girl.
2007-01-04 23:24:51 · answer #3 · answered by .vato. 6 · 1⤊ 3⤋
I understand your position-it's a toughie. The fact is, even though it was way too forward of her to ask, you said yes, and going back on that would certainly create hard feelings. This is a family you're going to be part of, so I wouldn't want to start off on a bad foot. Why don't you try to find a creative way to work the little one in? I've seen on Whose Wedding is it Anyway?" where a tot was rolled down the aisle in a stroller, but personally, I don't like that idea. Perhaps she could be carried by a member of the bridal party or one of the groomsmen and sprinkle rose petals of a complimentary color for a special touch? People love cute little girls, and she'll be a hit even if she doesn't execute her role perfectly. Either at the procession, or if she starts to get fidgety (and she will), she could be handed off to Mom or someone nearby. Your flexibility will be appreciated, I'm sure. Good luck.
2007-01-05 11:37:56 · answer #4 · answered by Happy Wife 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I agree the mom of the one year old is being ridiculous. However, is it really going to hurt anything to let the baby wear the dress? You're blowing the issue entirely out of proportion.
I recommend that for the sake of family peace, you should title the one year old your "Bell Baby"-- and after the ceremony (not before!), give her a little beribboned wedding-style tinkle bell to play with and ring for the rest of the day, and people will look at her and say "oh, how cute," and that will be the end of it. For pete's sake, she may even sleep through the entire event-- who knows? She is a baby. She certainly can't walk up the aisle with the FGs or hand out programs. She's 1.
2007-01-05 03:40:53 · answer #5 · answered by Etiquette Gal 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Same thing happened to a friend...the Mother-in-law invited 2 cousins to be flower girls. In the end it probably isnt worth the rift its going to cause, i mean is it really that big of a deal? I know its your wedding, your big day, but seriously do you care? youre probably just a little miffed (understandably so), but I say let it go...dont get all worked up about it...and definitely dont let it ruin your special day.
2007-01-04 23:27:02 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, at the end of the day it won't matter to you. You will be more worried about your hair, your dress, the caterer, the pictures, the cake, etc.
This little girl can play a small role and you won't even notice it. Don't let this small matter stress you when there are SO MANY other things that will stress you out.
2007-01-04 23:57:22 · answer #7 · answered by Jennifer D 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
When you guys walk out of the chapel (or whatever) get her to toss some confetti or something.
The dress deal.. Try to find a nicer dress that matches her. And tell the Mom that the dress colour your girls are wearing doesn't match hers, and find a nice one and suggest it instead.
2007-01-04 23:29:29 · answer #8 · answered by Maya 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are not wrong. However, you have to grow a spine, quickly. You just need to calmly and politely explain the situation, and that you agreed under duress because you didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Since you are getting married, you need to get more mature and independent!
2007-01-05 07:35:46 · answer #9 · answered by Lydia 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Darling, you need to get a spine!
You tell this lady NO..your sorry, but it's your wedding and your plans do not, nor will there be room for her daughter. Tell her if by telling her this hurts her, that your sorry, but it is YOUR wedding, not hers.
2007-01-04 23:55:51 · answer #10 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋