How would you respond to this nervy mother?

Question

My daughter is having a birthday party next week. When we were doing the invitations, she wanted to invite everyone in her class except for 2 kids. I explained to her that that was not nice, and about how their feelings would be hurt, blah, blah, blah. One of the 2 kids mothers left me a message today. She said that John would love to come. And did I know that John had a twin brother, Mike, who is in another class at the same school and would it be OK if he came also because he would be upset if his brother did something and he didn't.

I am so annoyed at this!! My daughter didn't invite him because she doesn't freakin' know him! I know I need to cool down before I call her back to tell her that Mike cannot come!

I should also add that I am having the party out - and have to pay per child. I really don't think I should even have to explain this to this mother. I really want her to know that I am annoyed that she would even ask me this - I have a hard time with nervy people.

She DID invite the 2 she didn't want to. She invited EVERYONE in HER class.

Answer 1

Too friggin bad that Mike is gonna feel bad. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Are any other siblings dragging their brothers and sisters to the party? No. Who cares if he is a twin. Your daughter invited her entire class. That is all that was necessary. It makes no sense to invite some kid she doesn't know just because his brother gets to go. I mean if you let him come then Little Suzie might as well bring her 3 yr. old brother because he might feel left out that he didn't get to go to a party. Oh wait, Mark has a cousin who wants to go too. You have to draw the line somewhere. I'd be ticked too. My oldest gets to go to parties and events that his younger brother doesn't always get to do and vice versa. That is the way it is. They may feel a bit jealous or left out but they'll get over it. This party isn't about Mike. It is about your daughter. Mike will get over it. And if his Mommy can't accept that then I guess John can stay home too.

Answer 2

I'd be interested to know how old the kids are. But I agree with most of the other posts in that you should just tell the mom that the party is for classroom friends only and you are on a budget. tell her that maybe next year, if Mike is in your daughter's class, he will get an invite. You can also try to lighten the mood by explaining this will save her money too, b/c she won't be expected to buy TWO gifts. (If she has the nerve to call and invite her other son, she has the nerve to send one gift between the two). Explain to her that you certainly understand if John can't attend the party without his brother, but that you simply do not have room at the place (or your in your wallet) for one more.


I guess now you are getting a feeling of why your daughter didn't want to invite John in the first place. The apple doesn't fall from the tree.... (That's me trying to lighten the mood for you...)

If the kids are 9 or older then the brothers shouldn't expect to be invited to each others parties and the boys need to be able to things without the other and become individuals....that's another reason I think it's fine for you to tell her Mike can't come (Don't tell the mom that though).

Good luck--birthday parties are stressful enough without things like this cropping up!

Answer 3

How completely rude! SOmething just like this just happened to me last month. Pay per child with a pizza buffet and game "key". Invited entire class, for reasons you stated. One kid (the one that is the class trouble-maker and has a mother that neglects him terribly) shows up with a 4 year old brother. The mother, who I don't know, plops down her 4 year old and gives me her cell phone number. Says she is going shopping and the little brother can hang around - that he "always" does this. I was in the big middle of a pain episode due to a sinus/inner ear/outer ear infection and couldn't function enough to say "NO" (and I'm a bit of a wuss in that department, anyway). So this kid not only got a pizza buffet on me, but a $10 game key for the game room. And the Mom got free babysitting.

Clueless people amaze me.

Just explain to her that if everyone brought their siblings, it would double the size of the party.

If you want, you can tell her that she can bring her second child there and JOIN you ONLY when you serve the cake. I did that for a few of the people that I know and that were respectful enough not to crash the party.

Answer 4

by the age of 12 Mike should understand that sometimes he won't get to do things that John gets to do and vice versa. If the child was in the next grade and got invited would you automatically assume that the other gets to go then?

I think that tagging along the other sibling stops as soon as the child is old enough to attend the party without mom or dad there to stay with them. If you do have to bring the other child, make sure you let the host know in advance and also let them know that you don't expect them to plan for your other children. They are just coming to keep you company, not to be a part of the party because this isn't their party.

Children need to deal with disappointments like this in life. If they don't learn how to properly deal with small things like this, when the big things come along they will fall apart. It is natural to want to protect your child but enough is enough.

I am glad you are going to stand up to this mother. If John cannot come without Mike then she should have called and said, "I am sorry but John won't be able to attend."

I would call and be honest with her. Tell her that you are sorry but you have only planned for the kids in the class.

Hope it goes well! SD

Answer 5

Let it go and let the kid come. Set an example for your child about how to be the bigger person. A birthday only comes once a year and next year they won't even be in the same class. My son last year had a party out and invited everyone in his class. Once mother came and brought her older daughter without asking but the poor child just stayed by her mother's side instead of participating in the fun until I told the girl she could join in as well. That mother had no choice but to bring her other daughter because of no sitter so I didn't mind and it was no big deal. The purpose of the party is so everyone can have a good time and have fun. Forget about it and move on.

Answer 6

I saw this same thing discussed in Parents magazine once and if I remember right, they suggested that you explain to the mother that you had to pay in advance for the number of children that have RSVP'ed and that only included the children in your daughters actual class. Suggest to the mom that if Mike wanted to come that the cost for an additional child is $$$. This way she would understand that you are not willing to pay for a child who your daughter is not friends with, and you will have made it clear in a nice way that she would have to pay for Mike to go to the party.

I don't know what type of place the party is at, Chucky Cheese or what, but it also said that if it is in a private room where you would be charged if the kid even went into the private room, you could explain this to the mom and suggest to her that if she really wants Mike to go, she could check with the place and see what the cost of her bringing him would be.

Don't feel bad, I can see your annoyance.

Answer 7

I would call the mother back and just be honest... tell her that your daughter and you agreed to inviting the whole class, and that was about all the guests you can afford to have at the party. It would not be fair to let the sibling of one child come when siblings are not able to come as well. Tell her two other parents asked the same question and you told them no as well....
(and appreciate her for asking before bringing the sibling.)

2. explain that your daughter does not feel comfortable inviting people she doesn't know to her party, and your daughter should not have to feel uncomfortable at her own party.

just a thought. if things get ugly, tell her you are spending about $----- per person and if she wants to bring someone on the not on the guest list, she can pay the same amount, or politely unvite in John. "If Michael can't be without his brother for a few hours, perhaps John shouldn't come." Thanks for calling to let me know.

When my kids have parties we invite the whole class as well... and often the list exceeds 35 people. (friends of family, church friends, sports friends, club friends) For those who said to suck it up and let the siblings come, sometimes the numbers get really out of control for adult supervision, and is costly. You wouldn't want people crashing your wedding, why should they be taught at an early age it's okay to crash birthday parties.

Answer 8

I would tell the mother that you invited everyone in your childs class. Seeing as Mike was not in her class, he is not invited; however if she would be prepared to pay the price, then Mike can be with his brother. Also, do you need another parent to volunteer help? Tell her that if Mike goes, then you would expect she come along to help supervise. The price for Mike is $$$ and adult $$$.

Answer 9

Let the brother come! As a mother of two boys close in age, I hate the fight that ensues when one gets invited and the other doesn't. The mother asked if the other could come, some would just show up and drop off the other kid, I have seen that before too! At least she asked. Is it really worth the confrontation?

Answer 10

I would just tell the mother that you already made reservations for a "limited amount of children" and that if she would like to bring the twin on her "own" expense then well i guess your kinda stuck with the child. Birthdays should be about the children having fun and realizing that your little one doesn't like the child anyway, well maybe they can just enjoy the party with all the other children there. Besides you already explained how it wouldn't be nice not to invite all the kids. I hope i helped. Trust me if we can get through these parties with our inlaws I'm sure the extra child wont make a bit of diiference.... l.o.l.