Should we follow through to show there are consequences for her actions?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 15yrs and he has two daughters from a previous marriage.I practically raised both of them along with five of my own kids.They are 18&17&both of them live at home which is convenient to a good school.Last week Kayla the 18yr old told us that she is 2months pregnant,this is one of our worst nightmares as she is very bright and has just started studying law,we are both strongly against abortion so it is not an option and we want her to keep the baby.She has been with her boyfriend for 2yrs and we know that he will support her.We have always warned the girls including my 12yr old that if they get pregnant that they could not live under our roof or count on our support,something that was meant to be a deterent.Now faced with the reality we want to support her but we are afraid that if we don't follow through with what we said it will look like an empty threat to our 2younger daughters,one of which is also in a relationship.What would you do?

Thank you all for your well thought out answers......I know that my gut feeling is to support her and love her. Please don't think that I simply threatened my girls and never explained about precautions, of course I did, and yes you are right accidents happen to adults and kids. It is my worst nightmare for her but the gift of life is nothing to be sniffed at. The weirdest thing is that I am pregnant too with my sixth child so aunt and niece/nephew will grow up together.Ha it like father of the bride but my husband is better looking than steve martin.

Answer 1

If you throw her out and not support her then what good will that do? It will only make her situation and her baby's situation a lot worse. If you throw her out, then you're limiting her opportunities for success - at being a mother AND ever having a successful career. She's going to have a hard time even with your support. Why make it worse for her? And the only thing your younger daughter will learn from throwing out your older daughter is that she can't trust you.

Personally, I think it was wrong to even tell them that if they ever got pregnant that they can no longer live with you and you will no longer support them. I can't imagine being told that when I was kid - it would be devastating to me and I would be terrified to tell them I'm pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I know your intentions were good. But I really think it was a bad judgment call on your part. Threatening to throw out a child if they ever get pregnant just isn't reasonable - they don't fully understand the consequences of their actions. If she understood the consequence before it happened, then she wouldn't have gotten pregnant to begin with. Heck, even a lot of adults don't get it! The fact that she's having a baby is already a pretty steep price to pay. Don't add impossible obstacles on top of it. She needs your support now more than she ever has in her life.

One thing I noticed in your details is that you seem somewhat rigid about her options as though she has no other option except whatever option YOU want. Honestly, I think that's a mistake too. You seem to want to specify which consequences are acceptable to you. But you're not the one having the baby - she is. Part of learning is experiencing the consequences based on the choices we make. If you take away her choices, then she has you to blame for the consequences and she learns nothing. If you let her make the decision, then she'll know that she's lying in the bed that she made. And that is what being an adult is about - taking responsibility for your actions. Don't treat her like a child and then expect her to behave like an adult.

Please don't be offended by anything I've said. I'm sure you meant well and I know you want what's best for her. She's old enough to have options and take reponsibility for her choices but she's new at it - she needs to be able to get back up after falling down and try again. The consequence you were talking about is the "ouch!" from the fall. You're suppose to help her back up, not sit on her and rub her skinned knee into the gravel.

Answer 2

As this might be the hardest decision you ever have to make you'll need to weigh the consequences on everyone involved.

Personally I would propose a comprimise. I would allow her to stay only if she continued her studies, otherwise she would needs to leave, but that I will continue to love and help her but that she will have to learn to live her life.

If you send her out the door you are risking damaging your relationship and not being in your grandchild's life. Your youger daughters will see that you have her best interests at heart and that despite the tough love approach you only want what is best.

You need to look at the life she will have if you turn her out, your life if you keep her and the possible impact to your other 2 daughters... When I was a teen my parents babysat for a 2 month old for a week while her parents were out of town and I had to help take care of her. Scared me straight... 26 and still not a father.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation your daughter is in now and her parents did turn her out. Now everytime I see her it's all about regrets and how her life could have been had she not become pregnant.

You should sit down with your daughter and her boyfriend and look at the personal and financial ramafications and see if there is a comprimise point.

I'm afraid there is no simple solution... Good Luck

Answer 3

Make it a empty threat. This is your kid and by kicking her out or making her go through this without mom and dad would be a very traumatic experience.
You do have younger kids so I do see your point about what the others are thinking and learning from this. Most important thing the others can see and learn is how very hard it is to be young and pregnant then to raise a baby. I would think this would be a great lesson for the others to learn.
Being pregnant and in law school is not going to be a cake walk. The only way you will be curtain that the B/F will stick around and support her is if he actually does it.
I would not do everything for this kid though, she needs to learn how to care for that baby on her own.
Good luck ...

Answer 4

I believe in setting consequences that I'm willing to follow through. It's not too late to teach your younger daughters a more reasonable consequence. If I'm ever faced with the situation (my daughter is 13) I will tell her that she can live at home and I will help care for the baby while she is in school and during homework/study time. That is it. If she wants to socialize she will have to pay for a reliable babysitter - which won't happen if she is in school all day and caring for a baby at night. At 13, she knows that once she becomes a mom, her childhood is over.

Answer 5

Here's the thing - parents are human. We make mistakes just like everyone else. Do you feel that refusing to help support her and your grandchild would be a mistake? Do you feel that the best chance she has for a successful future is finishing her studies? What would happen to that if you kicked her out? Would it fall by the wayside? If you feel that kicking her out would be a mistake, admit that you were wrong when you said you would do that. Let her know that you are disappointed (if you are) that she has become pregnant at such a young age. Tell her that you'll continue to help her as long as she makes responsible decisions.....meaning she stays in school and is responsible about healthcare for herself and her child, etc. Maybe require her to contribute financially.....pay for some of her own food? Pay for her own prenatal care?

Answer 6

Admit your wrong to your children. Better your wrong then your family torn between sides. What your eldest did has consequences far above that of you not supporting. Finding out that your eldest is not now doing what she wants, but what she has to due to responsibility will be enough for the younger ones to see that college with a baby is almost impossible. Stay firm in your dislike of the situation but keep the family together, cause down the line it might actually be a blessing. Mine was ripped apart when I turned 30 and it was still hard on me cause of my family values. Stay strong God Bless and good luck.

Answer 7

First of all, what's more important? Keeping your word on a threat, or being there for her? I'd be there, myself. She's 18 years old. Please don't tell me it came as a surprise that she was having sex. I know you probably thought your threat would prevent pregnancy, but did you ever talk to her about birth control? Did you ever take her to annual pap test/exams where she could talk to educated people about this?

I'm sure she's scared enough, and just LISTEN to yourself! Do you think your younger daughters would actually haphazardly get pregnant and become single mothers because you DIDN'T kick their sister out? I'm not suggesting at ALL, that you raise this child or financially support it, but it's hard enough to live on your own at 18...just starting out...without a child. If you want her to make something of herself, you already know she'll need your help.

Don't be bullheaded. That does no one any good. As a matter of fact, it may deter the younger girls from doing it, if they SEE how hard it is to raise a child on your own. Your 18 year old didn't TRY to get pregnant. Things happen sometimes, no matter how many threats you make or deterents you present. This isn't like cutting class. This is your daughter and grandchild. How much resentment do you think you'll muster out of ALL of your children, if they see that you would actually turn your back on them in time of need? Please weigh the cost of your own pride, against the resentment you will cause if you are unreasonably stubborn about a threat. A threat by the way, which didn't work.

Answer 8

How can u be asking that question???U would actually throw ur 18 yr old daughter who is having ur 1st grandchild out on the streets?!Is following through with ur words that important to u?II believe the best thing for u to do is talk to your younger girls about the situation & use birth control/condoms if they decide to have sex...Let them know u are their mom & their is nothing they can't tell u or talk to u about....As for ur pregnant daughter makes sure she continues to study hard because thats what she is relying on to support her child in the future...Well since a new life is coming into ur family u mine as well be happy rather then mad or sad because either way you're going to have to accept this fact...CONGRATULATIONS & goodluck!

Answer 9

maybe you should talk to you younger ones that Kayla is 18 now a legal adult. you should not just kick her out with nowhere to go but instead help her find her own place so she could begin learning to supporting her self, shes going to need it... Every thing kinda works out in the end.

and maybe you should give you younger children anther alternative to kicking them out that is the worst thing you can do to a child plus it is illegal maybe putting them on birth control and telling them that that is not an OK to have sex just a precaution

Answer 10

I got pregnant when I was 16. If my parents had kicked me out I dont know what I would have done without their support. I couldnt have the baby for medical reasons, but Parents should stand behind their children 100% regardless if they disagree with them. And the more you educate children the better their chances are of not messing up. But if they do, let them know you will always love them. No. Matter. What.