Why isn't my kindness to my friends and family ever repaid?

Question

I always invite friends over all the time, for cocktails, pizza, and sometimes even cook them dinner.
I sometimes pick up the check when a group of friends go out to dinner. I make mix CD's for people. I call and visit people in the hospital when they are sick. They never do the same for me.
I send family members money when a child is born, people graduate or get married. My family never calls me they think the the phone only works one way...When I call them!
I wonder why my kindness is never repaid. People seem to take take take more than they give! They never invite me or pay for me.
Why? Should I stop giving and paying to/for people? Then they just seem to slowly disregard me all together?!?!? It seems that people like others whom are more dramatic and mistreat their friends.
What do you think?

Answer 1

Some people are givers and some are takers. I'm a giver to the point that I get my feelings hurt too when it's never reciprocated. There were several couples I had invited to parties who did not invite us back when they had parties....then were quite surprised when I stopped inviting them. I made a point of explaining why to mutual friends.

Answer 2

People like people who smile, show joy, and generally bring a better feeling with them. It isn't about the money, or thoughfullness sometimes as it is about the attitude. There is a person I know who gets an entirely different reaction from the same group of people than I do and it is because she is a very lively person who is super friendly and makes people that don't even know her smile and wave when she walks in the room. I try smiling and saying the same things and I get no reaction at all. It may only be that you need to smile more and be more uplifting in spirit. I can't say for sure without knowing you. You seem to be a very caring person in your deeds. Since you mention drama, drama can be a distraction from the tedium of life just like spreading a little joy can. Maybe your friends and family are looking for a way to bring them to a higher or different level of life and material things can only do so much. Try sharing more of yourself and less of the material and see what happens. Make 'em smile!

Answer 3

I dont think that your friends and family are trying to take you for granted. I think sometimes it gets to a point where they may now just expect it from you. People often dont think about much more than themselves - unfortunately selfishness is in epidemic proportions these days. I dont think that this is a reason for you to change. If you love the feeling you get when you do nice things for other people than keep on doing it. Just dont expect anything in return.

Maybe if it really frustrates you, stop doing a few of the things - like dont reach for the cheque when it comes.

Also, have you tried discussing how you feel with your family and friends. I dont mean about the gift giving and stuff - but about them never inviting you or calling you. Maybe they are so caught up in their lives that they dont even realise.

Answer 4

I understand the frustration of feeling unappreciated. However, if you're truly doing these things because you are a giving, kindhearted person who just loves seeing the joy in others when you do these things, you shouldn't expect repayment in any way.

People have different ways of showing that they care. Just continue being you and forget about the payback. I'd also take a step back if it's becoming this much of a burden or if it's taking this much of a toll on you. Sometimes, taking a step back and not doing SO many things for others will ultimately bring the true motivation back: kindness for the sake of being kind to others and spreading joy.

Answer 5

From now on when you do something nice for someone consider it just that, Doing something nice. Do it because you want to, not because you expect something in return because 10 times out of 10 you won't get repaid for it. Also don't be so quick to pick up the check for your friends this leads to mooches. Let them pay their own way once in a while. It sucks that that's how it is but dems are the breaks.


One of my favorite sayings is Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you're good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you're a vegetarian.

Answer 6

I think that you sound like a nice person but need to come to the realisation that this is just life. There are givers and there are takers. Most takers do not mean to be so, it is just the way they are. We do not do kind deeds to expect repayment and if we do then we are doing them for the wrong reason. If it gives you pleasure to show these small kindnesses then continue doing them but understand that most of them will go unnoticed by the recipients of your favours. If it does not give you pleasure and the situation just hurts and upset you then stop doing it.

Answer 7

Maybe you're just looking at this wrong. Sounds to me like you're the kind who loves doing things for other, a person who remembers birthdays, etc., and the first to move on it. Usually people come to expect you to do those things and they just never think to return the favor. I think you should continue to be the great and warm person that you are.

Answer 8

You know I know someone that sounds like this.
You give and give and give. Are you trying to be
accepted? Liked?
But now I have settled down a bit and kinda go
with the flow. I pay my own way, but also am
nice and EXPECT nothing out of it.
I don't understand people at all. Now, when me
and my friends go out we all pay for our own and
there is not as much pressure as before. We can
get what we like.
I had a friend like us and she gave and gave and
she now is so ANGRY.. Please don't get that way.
Just slowly start paying for yourself and God bless
and good luck.

Answer 9

I think that if you do nice things for people expecting to have nice things done for you, you're always going to be disappointed because of your expectations. Please be grateful for what you have and do nice things because you love people, not because you want them to reciprocate. I feel sorry for you, actually, because I feel like you are probably missing out on some of the best rewards from giving because you are looking for reciprocation. I suspect that these people are actually expressing their appreciation but perhaps not in ways that you're looking for -- perhaps opening your vision a little bit to other styles of expressing gratitude would help, too.

And please, don't let it stop you from giving. That's the right thing to do.

Answer 10

There are people who will always suck the life, money, energy out of you. If they don't call you, then don't bother to call them. I used to have a friend like that, who couldn't bother to call me. It is not worth it. Make some new friends, and don't pay for everybody. Just go Dutch. That way you know they are your friend b/c of you, not b/c of your $$$.