Why are my parents being so damn controlling?

Question

I'm the oldest of two girls and i'm in my 20's. My dad is naturally a "bossy" kinda dictator guy and my mom is naturally a control freak. For the past few years now, i've been given empty promises and realized that i've been dependent on them (for my age) and have started to change routes. In my teen years, i was rebellious and selfish, then i went through an "obedient" phase with them - and now i want to balance those two - do what i want and need to do without disrespecting them. I feel like i can't do anything without them freaking out, bossing me around, getting "too involved" in my life, giving me unnecessary drama, negativity and guilt-trip, and a lecture. If i don't "listen" to them word by word, my mom breaks out into this "actress" and does the whole, "fine - do whatever you want. i'm only tryin to help" even though i know deep inside what I'm doing is RIGHT FOR ME. Why are they like this and how do i change this?

and don't just tell me that they "love and care for me"...and don't tell me to move out - the only way i'm gonna finish school is to stay with them (for the meantime) - once i'm done, i'm out. Just tell me ways on how to avoid this drama - inspirational stories, maybe?

PS: We're asian - so moving out is soo out of the question (cuz that pretty much means your disowned from them forever) and we don't have family discussions - it's mostly them yelling, saying they're right

yes, i can drive, but no car :( HOW AM I GONNA DO THIS?

Answer 1

What I suggest doing is being more independant, they will treat you like an adult when they see that you are a contributor, buy groceries, buy a car, do things on your own, stay in school, AND maintain a job, it seems like they are acting this way because they afraid of you growing up and leaving already, some parents act this role out by simply never letting their children drive, that way they never know how and have to be dependant on them for everything, what they are really doing is hurting their children because it does affect them in the long run with their stunts, then sometimes it even comes down to jealousy issues with you doing things they couldn't do when they were your age, it could be either of those, or even something bigger, just be independant, and do whats best for you, you are an adult now.

Answer 2

You need to prove to them that you are an adult. An adult making adult decisions. Acknowledge that they are trying to love & protect you but let them know that ultimately your life is now in your hands.

My parents and I had the same kind of relationship. I used to have to sit down with them and literally talk things through. They would try to interrupt & tell me I'm wrong but I was just very patient (wich is so hard for me to do... I have zero patience) & I heard what they had to say and explained to them why I was doing something different. For me to respect them they would have to respect me. Slowly but surely they "calmed down". I did what I had to do and now I live in a major city a few hours away from them. Our relationship is great because they realized they raised a smart and responsible adult.

Good Luck & Hang in there.

Answer 3

Not what you want to hear, but he only way to get of the drama is to move out on your own or accept that their being controlling is the price to pay for you getting what you want out of staying there.

I lived on my own, worked and finished college and there is no reason that you could not do the same.

Answer 4

I'll try to be objective. It is a myth that parents' power only applies until one is 18. In reality, it applies as long as one is dependant on their parents. If one lives at home with them, that counts as dependant on them. Because it's their house. If they pay all, or at least most of the expenses, the bills, etc., that counts as dependant on them. Their power does not end when one turns 18. It ends when one moves out and supports oneself. One's age makes NO difference. One's age alone doesn't matter. Even if you did not live at home, say, if you lived in an apartment, and they helped pay your rent, they'd still have leverage on you. So, all things considered, if you live at home with them, and they're paying the bills...as long as this is the case, there's pretty much nothing you can do. No matter what your age is. As long as this is the case, they will continue to have the right to boss/veto you. When you move out, and support yourself, then their power over you will stop, thus allowing you to be your own boss. But until then, they will remain boss, not you. Parents have pretty much absolute power from the child's birth until the child is 18. Turning 18 merely gives one the right to move out, with more priviledges than one did before one was 18, but as I say, simply being 18 and/or beyond will not free you from your parents' power. Only moving out and supporting yourself will. As long as you live in their house with them, and/or as long as they are paying the bills, they hold the power, not you.

Answer 5

Well the short answer is that if you live in there house you should expect to live with their rules. That being said, maybe you should call a meeting. Pose you issues to them in a mature way. If you act mature then they will treat you like you are.

Answer 6

You're preaching to the choir!!! I've been there. I am also in my 20s and know for a fact it's very, very hard. my parents try to live their lives through me, like what kind of career to go for. For example, my mom wants to me to be a court reporter... oh, please!!! that's what she wanted to do and she's not doing it. i know it's hard, but you're just going to have to defend yourself when your parents come back at you. my mom tries to criticize me for my mistakes and i simply just told her one day, "as if you don't make any mistakes..." plain and simple, that's how i said it and she went into this rage of how i was being disrespectful and crap. but i wish you luck!! hang in there!! and don't be afraid to put your foot down. have a long talk with your parents and tell them how you feel... might work, might not. you won't know unless you try. Good luck!! :)

Answer 7

Find a couple of room mates ,that can help pay billd so you can be out on your own .