My daughter is 17 and seems to have her father on a pedal stool.I always try and down play what he is really like and not bad mouth him but that does not work.I met her father when i was18 in college and he got me pregnant my second year and bailed after i gave him back the money he had given me for an abortion.He did not even pay child support or even meet her till i was 30 and we met up by chance after my first divorce.We decided to try and make it work her father and i the marriage lasted 3 yrs.The divorce was nasty he had cheated on me while i was pregnant with his second child.The man is a bit of a con artist and even went to prison for 5 yrs for white collar crimes!He has never shown any real intrest in his daughter and has not seen her since the divorce 3 yrs ago.I have contacted him for child support and he pays but the only child he ever brings up in conversations is his son!
2007-01-04 05:06:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
My daughter seems to think i am the reason he never comes to visit her and that i am reason our marriage failed.When in reality the doors always open for him to come and visit he just so happens to prefer Australia!
2007-01-04 05:08:53 · update #1
While I understand your frustration the best thing that you can do is wait it out. Try to discuss her father as little as possible. My Mom was in the same boat, four children and a dead-beat ex-husband who pick and chose when he had children and which ones he actually claimed. As we got older we learned who he was for ourselves. All the times that our Mother tried to tell us did no good. We had to experience it for ourselves.
Please do not hold it against your daughter for not listening to you, and even for trying to place all of the blame on you, it is a method of self-preservation and a defense mechanism. Feeling the rejection of one of your parents is very tough. Your daughter and quite frankly anyone will try to use any other reason for why he is not involved to avoid feeling that rejection.
2007-01-04 05:15:55 · answer #1 · answered by Jacy 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
This is so typical. I too have a 16 year old daughter who thinks her dad is a God. He rarely sees her, he promiss things he never does, he has his dad pay his child support, and basically he is just a looser. We were Married for 9 years and she was 5 when we filed for the divorce. Now, whenever he is able to see her I have to drop my schedule and facilitate without notice? I think not. He has visitation and never takes it as is scheduled. I even have to meet him at a half way place or he will not take her. So, The reason she blaimes you is because you are there. She can not take it out on a person who is not there and you MOM are the venting place. FYI, He did the same thing with his son and now my son is adult. He never calls his dad but e-mails me everyday from is overseas Post in the military. He even sent me plane tickets at his cost to attend his military graduation. So, you are being the beating post today, but when they get to be about 19 years old, your daughter will finally get it and you will be known as the great mom that you are.
Best of luck, from someone who has walked in your shoes.
2007-01-04 16:07:21 · answer #2 · answered by Tracylyn S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry that you are going through this.
This might be a way that your daughter is dealing with the hurt of basically being abandoned by her father. I'm going to have to cross this bridge with my own daughter when she's older, so I think about it a lot.
Right now I think the best thing you can do is to love your daughter through this period and really be there for her. Talk to her openly and honestly. Though it may sound strange and probably makes you feel a bit sick inside because you know what her father really is, respect where she is and how she feels. (I don't know how good I would be at following my own advice there!) As she matures she'll come to terms with her pain and she'll know who was really there for her all along and who really cared- and that's you!
2007-01-04 13:41:27 · answer #3 · answered by sempurvivum 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't badmouth her dad, although I KNOW he deserves it.
I'm 30 years old with two children. My mom neglected us and/or was never there for us. My dad raised us. When I grew up, especially after I had kids of my own, I realized who was always there for us, and now he means more than the world to me, and I don't even care if I ever see that deadbeat parent again. She doesn't even exist to me.
Your daughter will realize how much you've done, and how much he hasn't done, own her own. It may take years, but it's best not to badmouth her dad, that WILL make you look bad or like you're seeking her attention.
2007-01-04 13:33:24 · answer #4 · answered by Lara Croft 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the best thing to do is let her figure it out on her own. you are doing the right thing by not bad mouthing him.that will only cause problems and make you look bad. one day (if she doesn't already) she will realize who has been there for her (you). she might just be putting him on a pedal stool to make her real feelings stop hurting her. maybe try getting her into counseling if she is willing. she might need to talk to someone out of the family. just keep your feelings toward him out of your relationship with your children and give them love and support in this hard time. good luck. you sound like a great mom.
2007-01-04 13:17:00 · answer #5 · answered by k_leigh326 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you... I did the same thing to my mother over my con artist, nonparticipating dad!
The best advice is, one day your child will see for herself. The least you say to make her defend him, the quicker she will see through some of his b.s. And sadly it may not be until she has children of her own and she realizes what kind of role she wants their father to play in their lives.
My father passed away when I was almost 16 yrs. old, so I really ran with the b.s. I had believed, you would've thought the man was a saint when he died, to hear me talk. But later in life, dealing with my own children I have realized he was sorry and my mother was so strong to keep her head up and not bad mouth him!
Let her realize on her own, it will really hit home harder for her!
Good luck and keep your head up!
2007-01-04 13:21:44 · answer #6 · answered by Jennifer M 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have the same problem with my 15 yo son. Truthfully, the best way to handle it is to ignore it, she will have to discover what a dead beat he is on her own and will not believe anything you say until she does discover it.
2007-01-04 13:11:15 · answer #7 · answered by missyvixen1217 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't worry about badmouthing him whats true is true if he is really as bad as you say he is than you shouldnt give him the curtesy of painting him in a good light for your daughter.
2007-01-04 15:40:08 · answer #8 · answered by nobody 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that's hard, but on some level she knows that he is ajerk, but is in denial about it and you are the only constant in her life and she is taking it out on you b/c you are there and she knows that you aren't going anywhere.
what a cruddy situation. i'm sorry that he's such a douche and i guarantee as she gets older she will realize how much you mean to her and she will get over her daddy dearest fantasies.
take care.
2007-01-04 13:14:14 · answer #9 · answered by joey322 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't talk bad about him, it makes you look bad and makes her want to defend him. When she moves out on her own and he still isn't around, she will start to see him for who he really is.
2007-01-04 13:35:04 · answer #10 · answered by BooBoo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋