witty quotes?

Question

any witty quotes

Answer 1

Wit is educated insolence
Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

Answer 2

Lord, I need your arm round my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

I'm an angel, honest. The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

My wife and I have an agreement - I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

Some people like to spend, others like to save, unfortunately they tend to marry each other!

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

How can I control my life when I can't even control my hair?

You know it's time to diet when you push away from the table and the table moves.

Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

My family coat of arms ties at the back...is that normal?

Answer 3

Here are few one-liners I hang on to even though I can't remember who said them or where I got them. (Some are probably from George Carlin.) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent - anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. and this from Woody Allen: More than at any time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. and: If a government were put in charge of the Sahara Desert, within five years, they'd have a shortage of sand. ~Milton Friedman If you live in America and you're not cynical that's, to me, like sleeping on the job. ~Henry Rollins Okay, enough out of me! (I could go on forever....)

Answer 4

"A witty saying proves nothing."
-Voltaire

"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"
-Albert Einstein

"There are no rules here -- we're trying to accomplish something."
-Thomas Edison

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program."
-Bob Wells

"If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle."
-Rita Mae Brown

Just a few of my favorites :)

Answer 5

Boy George is all England needs-Another queen who can't dress.
(Joan Rivers.)
Billy Idol -The Perry Como of punk.(Johnny Rotten.)
Mick Jagger-This man has got child bearing lips.(Joan Rivers.)

Answer 6

hmm...my personal favourites
1.A closed mouth gathers no foot.
2.The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
3.When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

try the board of wisdom
(see source) its full of amusing quotes and you can get an account (free) and add your own.

Answer 7

I heard this quote and I laughed for ages...

'This will no' be me in the morning'...


and I thought 'who the hell will it be then?

Answer 8

The more people I meet, the more I like my Dog.

Answer 9

Words are heavy things
they weigh you down
If birds talked...they couldn't fly.

Answer 10

"A witty saying proves nothing."
Voltaire