Mom Advice???

Question

ok.. here's the story in a nutshell...

- my mom & dad divorced after 25 yrs. of marriage last year
- my mom has a drinking problem
- both of my parents are remarried
- my parents still talk to each other behind their spouse's back and it's driving me and my brother crazy
- when my mom gets drunk she won't stop talking about my dad and acting like she is going to leave her husband
- my brother doesn't want his kids around my mom because of her drinking.

... I live in another state while my brother lives right near my mom. I am not there when the drama goes down and I feel bad for my brother.. He asks her not to drink on days when she will see my nephews but she still does. She is not physically addicted to alcohol.. why won't she stop???? she has always put my dad before us and now she is putting alcohol and my dad before her own husband and grandkids. Can anyone help me with how to approach the situation???

Answer 1

Wow are we related?? LOL Im 39 and my parents split after 30 years of marriage and at 29 I was as devastated as a child. My mother then started drinking and has continued to this day. She does the exact same thing as you describe. I asked her one day if my sister and I told her we would not have any more contact with her would she still choose alcohol and she replied "yes". I realized at that point, that she will never be the same. I had to make a decision to have her in my life or not. I do not allow her to have my children without me or my husband being a part of it. I choose to have an alcoholic mother then no mother. Shes 69 years old and its her life I cannot make her change who she is. She too calls my father everytime she is drunk (he is remarried) and makes a total fool of herself. My sister and I will not be around her when she is totally drunk , we leave and its hard. But only that person can change and they have to want to do it. We have to accept that we cannot control or make someone be what they are not. Hopefully something will make them realize they are killing themselves and hurting us. But until then you much decide which is better no mother or a drunk mother? I pray for you and your situation because I know how it has torn our family apart. Just know that even though she doesnt want to change its not your fault and you have done everything possible to help her. I blamed myself for along time thinking I could do more. They are the ones that have to make the first step and you can only wait and be there 100% when they do.
Smiles :-)

Answer 2

You may think that your mom is not physically addicted to alcohol, but chances are she is, you can't believe someone who drinks that often when they say they aren't addicted, it's called denial. Your mom sounds like she has a drinking problem. Your mom will not be able to change untill she admits that she has a problem and decides to seek help. You can however initiate an intervention (as cliche as it sounds). Gather all of those around who care and have been witness to her alcohol problem and make a plan to sit and talk to her and tell her how you are all there for her and want her to get help. She will probobly become defensive at first, but the fact that you all sat down with her and express concern out of love, she will eventually realize what she needs to do, it is just a matter of if she will do it. You just need to be there to support her through the good and the bad. Your brother at this point should not bring his children around. He needs to put his foot down, and that may also be something that might make her realize. I hope this helps, and I would suggest seeking the advice of a professional as to how you should go about this. That is if you want to truely help, or if you would rather not have the burden in your life right now, but it sounds to me like you want to help.

Answer 3

sorry to hear this kinda things happen to u and yr nephews. I do believe that for some reason, yr mother drinking habits theres something make her doing it. Why not have a talk with her when she is in good condition. Explain to her the coincident things happen sometimes, talk to her abt the grandchildren. The respect and the loves. Tell her how much all of u loves her. The frustation might make her drinks. Try go to the roots of the problems to solve it. The same thing they did at rehab, talk to her, when she's in good condition only, bring yr nephew only if she is fits. Drinking habits is just like taking drugs, they only do it to forget something that hurts them so much at the beginning. Later only it became a habit or addicted. Please tackle the problem start frm the roots, by listening inside of her, let her out, what inside her heart and feelings. Dont abandoned her or leave her alone. It will make things worst.

Answer 4

Often alcohol addiction is not just beligerant drunkeness. Anytime alcohol interferes with relationships it has become a problem. She will need to be the one to take the necessary steps to overcome this problem. You and your brother should set ground rules about what is acceptable around you and your brother and his kids. If she has been drinking and your brother goes over with his kids, he should just say that they will try again another time and he should leave. Keep it calm and to the point. Do not argue anything; drinkers will try to drag you into an arguement. Schedule a time latter when she is not under the influence to discuss problems. Encourage specific counselors or programs instead of just saying go get help. Stick to your rules and your beliefs!

Answer 5

You need to get your mom help. She can't stop drinking on her own, it will take more then just you and your brother encouraging you. Obviously she will not want to get help, but she will thank you later.

I'm guessing you live in another state either for school or your job etc and its not just like you can move by your mom just whenever. Maybe try to visit more often if possible, but first thing is first you need to get her some help, its the best thing you and your brother can do. Talk to your mom's husband about you plans to help her, see what he thinks, hope it all turns out ok.

Answer 6

Contact a local drug and alcohol abuse counselor to schedule a family intervention for your mom. It sounds like she's an alcoholic, which is addiction. She needs help. From what I understand this is the only thing you can do, well, that and tough love. I think your brother should tell her, no matter how hard, that he will in no way bring her grandchildren around as long as she continues to drink. He can tell her this, or whatever the counselor suggests during the intervention.
Very best to your family.

Answer 7

One, she is physically addicted to alcohol. Anytime a person cannot put down the bottle when it causes problems within the family has a problem. It may hurt terribly, but your brother should maybe keep the kids away from her for a period of time. She needs to be made aware of the seriousness of her problem.

As for the parents thing, as my momma would say "That is grown folks business". It is a shame that it is happening, but nothing you say or do (unless you tell their spouses) to make it stop. Maybe you and your brother should be low key around your mom for awhile, eventually she will notice and you both should sit down with her and explain your actions.

Good luck :)

Answer 8

She IS mentally addicted to the drink and will stop only when one of two things happen:
A: She finds something beyong doubt being worth more than her own self indulgences and emotions. i.e. a Miracle.

B: She gets help in the aspect of alcoholism AND family counseling. The most you or your brother can do is to give her advice and try to talk to her. You cannot force her into doing anything, that will only drive her deeper into her problems. There in lies another issue I nearly forgot to mention. She must also first realize that she does in fact have a Problem and how it is affecting everyone around her that she cares about and that who care about her.

Jonesy

P.S. Good luck and happy new year.

Answer 9

Your mother is addicted to alcohol. Alcoholics are self-centered people. Ask your dad, he probably knows her better than anyone.

You, your brother and your mom need to talk. She needs to go to an AA meeting, talk to some of the counselors and let them try to help her. She will lose her new husband shortly. Sounds like your brother is already trying to distance himself and his family from her.

Your mother is blessed to have you. A lot of family members just walk away and let mother wallow in her alcohol until she completely ruins her life.

She may refuse your help. If she does, the next time she may not. Not an easy solution, but she is your mother and well worth the effort.

Answer 10

People make mistakes and that is ok. Life is about not repeating them. Do not take any pills or do anything drastic. You are loved in this world and just because you made a bad choice does not make you a bad person. If my daughter were to give me this news, I would certainly be upset, but I would still love her. You need to talk to your mom. She loves you and she will help you with this new challange. Please do not be scared. I know it is a hard conversation to have, but you made a grown up decision and now have to have a grown up conversation. Do not beat yourself up too bad. The baby needs you to take care of yourself right now. Good luck and I hope the best for you.