Overbearing, manipulative, controlling Mother...now what do I do??

Question

My mother has never understood "boundaries". I think she views me as her own personal property. You can tell her repeatedly how you want things to be and she acts like she's never heard it before.

My husband and I decided two years ago to move 5 hours away from her so we didn't have to deal with her daily. A year later she started looking for a house 30 min. from us. She wanted to know what I thought....I told her, "Don't move, don't sell your house." (My dad still works...she sold the house to buy one 30 min. from me and he has to commute 5 hours...they rent an apartment to stay there during the work week.) But she is mostly here.

I told her before they moved, "I will not be your life after you move over here." She said, "I don't expect you to be." Now she is mad at me because I won't come see her everyday and I don't call her.

She calls me as much as 5 times a day. We've had an argument over me not seeing her and I have been issued the silent treatment. YES!!!

The silent treatment will end with her calling....she will act like nothing happened. I'm tired of this neverending game of walking on eggshells for 2-3 weeks...she gets mad...you get the silent treatment (which is great.....I only wished they lasted longer!!! A year would be good!)...then she pretends like nothing happened and if you don't play along she says (real ugly), "What's the matter with you?"

I've tried making her deal with the issue and her reply is "I don't think we need to go there."

There is nothing passive about my mother....she's hateful in word and action.

My dad is totally passive....she wears the pants. I am the only daughter but I've lived away from home for over 20 years now....she should be used to.

I've written her "rules". I've told her not to come over to my house and she tells me "I'm coming." She denies it all...she has never done anything wrong!!!!!

Thanks dixiemade you seem to really understand...you are correct...she's mad when she's with me and mad when she's not. I will work on doing what I want to do!!! It's going be hard though she's going to throw a fit!!!

My mother has had therapy....she was better while she was seeing a psychologist but she won't go back.

Answer 1

I understand completely. The person who answered your question first is a total idiot!!

What you do is what you want to do!!! If you want to see her...see her. If you don't...don't!!! I imagine that it doesn't really matter if you are with her or not...she is unhappy or mad at you either way. (That's how my mother is!!!)

I had a similiar experience. We moved as well. My mother followed 2 years later. All hell broke loose when I didn't change my whole life to accomodate hers....I haven't spoke to her for months.........it's been great....there has been no conflict, no chaos....I highly recommend it.

The big thing is: do what makes YOU happy because if your mother is anything like mine she's impossible to please.

And disregard all the guilt trips you will receive as answers.. ..the ones like, "she's not always going to be here", "what if she died tomorrow"....yes these are questions you need to ask yourself but they shouldn't be "why" you suffer visit and phone calls.

One more point....Caller ID....don't answer all those calls

Answer 2

i know just what you mean,i had a very controlling mother,she wanted me to call her everyday,and she made me her life....I got to the point that at times i just did not answer the phone when she called...I loved my mother very much but she drove me nuts....She passed away a year ago and i do miss her but she was a pain....I think if i were you i would start going places a lot and not make it so convient for here to come over so much.the sad thing about these mothers like this is they have no friends and nothing interest them..You will just have to let her be mad and the silent treatment would be a blessing....I would either not answer my phone everytime she calls ot start hanging around with some of your friends,,, don,t make it so easy for her..I really feel fot you because i know what you are going through..I sometimes just told my mother thigs and didmt care if i made her mad or not....

Answer 3

Your story sounds a lot like mine. My husband changed jobs and one of the big positives was that it was 6 hours away from my parents. My Dad is spineless and my mother is a control freak. They followed us a year and a half later with me telling them "Don't move."

She's mad because I have a life here and she doesn't know any of my friends. I'm in my 40's. I don't want to pal around with my psychotic control freak mother and I don't care if she may not be around later on. She's makes everyone that has to deal with her miserable.

I talked to my aunt (my mothers sister). She was begging me to patch things up. My reply to her was: she's driving you crazy now, isn't she? You want me back in the picture so she'll bother me and leave you alone.

I have no intentions of patching things up. I have written her letters to tell her exactly how I feel, exactly how she has disrespected me as an adult and she says she hasn't done anything wrong.

We'll patch things up when she responds properly to my letters.

Best of luck with whatever you choose to do. Rest assured you're not the only one with a mother from hell.

Answer 4

Are you the only child or the only daughter, your mom maybe lonely, and don't know how to let go of you. She may need to get some therapy so that she can come to grips to letting you go. How is your father involved or is he just coasting along and doing whatever she wants. You may have to write out rules that she needs to follow in oreder for her to have a peaceful time with you when she sees you. In the end she is your mom so you may have to put up with it or move and not let her know where you moved to.

Answer 5

OOOKKKKAAAYYYYY. So my mother is all that bad. Research passive aggressive behavior and learn how to deal with them. I am sitting at my computer crying with laughter. Check out the book, "Wolves in Sheeps Clothing". (Just google it) It may not be the answer but it might give you a lead as to which direction you need to go in to deal with her behavior. You only get one mom. :)

Answer 6

She sounds like my grandmother. My Dad landed a job in Australia and they moved overseas to get a break from her. When they came back she was a little better but she never really changed.

My advice: Grin and bear it. Try to love her in-spite of it because eventually and inevitably she will pass away and then you'll miss her terribly.

Answer 7

seeing from the info I've read your mother isn't going to change and no matter how far you move she'll move there to be by you. Only thing I see you can do is learn to deal with it and ignore her when she's rude ( the calling and coming over idk what you can do about that )

Answer 8

okay so what exactly is the question????