My toddler is so AGGRESSIVE, please HELP?

Question

i know kids go throught the terrible twos but my little boy is so aggressive toward myself himself and other people he doesnt really know, when he gets told off, he becomes like this, this is not my first child i have another boy who is 5, he went throught the terrible twos also, but nothing like this, i have tryed the usual methods ie, naughty step, smacking (which does'nt help and i would say makes him worse), can anyone HELP. thanks

Answer 1

I'm not defending his aggression, but a second child has to deal with the older siblings; and older siblings can be rotten toward littler ones.

For example, when you say "when he gets told off". Who is "telling him off"? You? The big brother? Everyone?
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I just wrote a long answer to someone who wrote about a 19-month-old and the terrible two's. Here it is. (I'll include suggestions to you at the bottom and under the line.)

He's entering a really rough time for himself because he's new to knowing he can think for himself and have his own wishes but his emotions are not mature enough for him to be able to deal with the frustration of not being allowed to exercise this new automony and independence he is discovering.

You shouldn't even be thinking about "discipline". You should be thinking of "understanding".

For now, try not to spring any surprises on him. He is less likely to get thrown off if no surprises get sprung. Pretend you're a supervisor and keep your "employee" abreast of what the day will hold. Tell him your plans for the day when he gets up, and then as you get closer to, say, going out tell him again what the plan is. ("We're going to run over and see Grandma for a little while, but then we will have to leave her house and go get food for Daddy. We also need to go to the Post Office and mail my letter.")

When you're going in to Grandma's remind him again of how you'll stay for only a little while today because you have to go buy food and mail your letter; but another day you'll stay longer.

Fifteen minutes before you plan to leave Grandma's tell him, "We're going to leave when Barney goes off, so please remember that." He may even tell you when Barney goes off and that its time to leave.

On the way to the store, again explain what will be happening. ("We have to buy Daddy something for dinner, and we have to get YOU your cereal! Don't let me forget to get that.") Tell him you will buy him a snack and talk about what snack he's like to get at the store. Keep something in your bag that will entertain him while you shop (a little book, some kind of little toy that looks interesting, etc.).

As you're in the check out line talk about what you need to do at the Post Office. Tell him how you need to mail a letter but you need to buy stamps. Tell him something like, "You know what - I wanted to look at the new flowers they have out in front of their building. I was wondering if those would be good flowers for us to plant." In other words, try to engage his mind and thoughts and show him how mailing a letter can be interesting. (Borrow Mr. Rogers' approach to making big, special, deals, out of tiny things.)

Try to avoid situations where tantrums could occur as much as possible.

Try to make sure he gets enough sleep, isn't hungry, and isn't over-stimulated. All of these make tantrums more likely.

If there's something he wants try to distract him rather than just pulling him away from the thing. Calmly explain (and announce), "Oh - the man in the store doesn't want you behind the counter; so come on - let's get lunch." "Oh - Grandma doesn't want people playing with that statue because Uncle Fred gave it to her and she doesn't want anything to happen to it - but come look at the cookies she made for us."

Create choices for him too. ("Would you like to take your bath now or after you have a snack." If he says, "snack first" you let him have his choice and remind him, "Ok - snack now and then your bath. That's a good plan.")

You need to be the one who will try to help him feel better through a time in his development when he is so easily frustrated, upset, and confused. When he was first born and wailed like crazy because he was hungry your instinct was to feed him and comfort his upset. He's still the same little guy, and your instinct should be the same.

What you will accomplish by doing this is not only to make your life and his more pleasant right now, but it will reinforce in him the idea that you are the one who is the voice of reason and who has shown him that not getting his way doesn't have to be a traumatic experience. You'll also show him how you understand him, and that will make him feel closer to you than ever.

Will this guarantee you won't have a tantrum in the next year or so? No. It is, however, a way to keep those difficult moments to a minimum (and you may be surprised at how few he has or how quickly he gets past this phase).

If you guide him properly through this phase he will become a more emotionally mature child, which means a more reasonable and understanding child. He will come to view your "leadership" as a good thing; and since children learn what they live he will learn to be understanding and kind when someone else is going through a trying time.
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I think one thing you could do is try to make sure you have plenty of time with him alone (special time). Maybe take him out for breakfast a few days a week - just you and he.

You could also try to reduce unsupervised play between your older son and your little one. Your oldest boy isn't old enough to view his little brother as a baby. His little brother probably harrasses him to the point where he feels like he's going to "lose it". (I had a two-year-old brother when I was six, and my little brother always got the better of me - and then if I lost patience I'd be told, "You're older than he is!"). My point is both of your sons needs time without being aggravated by the other.

Second children often try to keep up with the older ones and do fairly well, but they're just no emotionally able to be able to do it all the time or do it graciously. They're stressed out when they try to do that. Everybody will be able to play together later. For now, reduce the opportunities for conflict and upset. (I used to wonder why my parents would do nothing to give me some peace, which would have meant taking my little brother by the hand and leading him to some other activity that would catch his interest.)

Children who get smacked learn that people smack - so that's why smacking isn't always great.

During pleasant times with him (maybe while you're doing a bath) talk pleasantly about why people don't hit other people even if they are upset. Talk about how people won't like him if he hits others or about how people will say he's a baby if he hits people. Talk about how when he's unhappy its really important to you that he come and tell you what is wrong; "but we can't have hitting in our home". Tell him, "As long as you hit people I won't be able to bring you to play with other children. Wouldn't you like to play with other little friends?"

When you have pleasant time with him talk about it. Say, "I had the nicest time having lunch with you. You are one of my favorite people to be with."

Another thing is to tell him, "Look. If you hit Freddy then when we go out I won't buy you any treat. People who hit don't get treats."
If you happen to be taking him out to a store that day let that threat stand. Tomorrow, however, is another day. Announce to him again, "If you hit... when we're in the store I won't buy you anything." If you don't go to the store he'll have to be reminded each day, and only if you go to a store and he has hit on the day you go should you not buy him anything. All the rest of the warnings on the "non-store" days are just reminders.

If he hits people with stuff (lunchboxes, baseball bats, plastic spaceships, etc.) take the thing away permanently and just get in his face and say, "You are NEVER, EVER, EVER to hit someone with something like that again." You may not see immediate results, but eventually this works.

Also, if you littlest boy hits his brother what could work better is just telling your older son to come out, calmly tell you, and silently go to his bedroom for just a little while. Explain to him what you are trying to accomplish. Tell him he doesn't have to stay in there long. If he calmly walks away from the scene of an incident and leaves the little guy standing there, alone, your littlest boy will get two messages: 1) If you hit people they leave and won't tolerate it or you and 2) There's not a lot of fun in being left alone.

If the little one screams because the older one just left just ignore him and let him scream it out until he calms down.

Well, those are my ideas on this problem. One thing to remember is that the little one is going to get a little older, and he won't be in quite the miserable state he seems to be in now. Of course, you want to stop the aggression; but I think as long as you keep working on it and sending him the right messages by the time he's a little older it should all fall into place.


Final Thoughts: It would probably be good if you could instruct all family members not to "tell him off" Make the rule that all complaints are to go through you, and you will deal with your little boy yourself. Don't talk about him to his brother or about him to other adults when he can hear. These things set up a dynamic where he will feel its everyone else versus him. It won't make him feel included. It will make him feel like the devil, and he'll act that way.

No matter how much they love or admire their older siblings, second children usually can see that they will never be Number 1, and feeling "less" can be reinforced when older siblings talk down to or treat a younger one like dirt. It can be reinforced if parents allow themselves and the older child to appear to be a team which excludes the littlest one.

Sometimes even what the group does is based on what the two parents and the older child have always done rather than being based on what the younger child may like instead. He just gets brought along into a plan that's already in place.

Second children are often seen as crabbier or grouchier or less able to be happy. I think that's because they are less happy than first children were. They may be every bit as much loved and wanted as the first child, and they may know that; but they may have needs that go unmet just because they're not first-borns.

I am guessing your little guy is just frustrated and frazzled and feeling as if the only thing there is to do is to hit people. He's still essentially a baby.

Answer 2

How are his language skills?

If he can comprehend and think more than he can say he may get very frustrated. You can try teaching him sign language he may pick it up quickly at his age. Just so you do not worry, sign language can delay speech BUT it has been shown to increase language in the long run. Signing a word and saying the word use the same part of the brain, and a child that is not hearing impaired will likely "hear" the word he is signing in his head if you sign and speak at the same time.

And yes smacking will only make it worse, aggression teaches aggression. You can try to teach him to do something else when he is frustrated. Maybe get him one of those stress aliens (the eyes and head bulge when you squeeze it) or other stress toy and tell him when he is upset to squeeze that, and show him when you are upset you squeeze your stress toy but remain outwardly calm (though stern if you are upset with his behavior). So if he hits take the stress toy out of your pocket and while squeezing it say "Hitting is wrong, you really upset mommy when you hit". You can still punish him with a time out or whatever but show him that he can have other outlets for his anger.

It may take some ingenuity to figure out how he can keep the stress toy near him. Maybe a string clipped to his belt?

Answer 3

Smackin a child makes him worse, it will make him believe violence is a tool for control and it is the answer. All u have to do is punish him when he acts out of order e.g. takeaway his games, t.v time, desert, pocket money, his hobbies etc. & when he is good reward him. Try and explain these rules to him then he will grow believing through goodness he can achieve positives results; at first it will be really difficult but with time he will abide by the rules so that he will reap the rewards through your methods, you have to show him its the only way don't let him take control through violence show him anger & violence doesn't solve anything because in reality it just creates more destruction & loss, also DO NOT shout at him because he will pick up that habit and use it against u in the future just so that he can make a point; u have 2 teach him the only way to communicate is in a calm manner. Also examine whether your child gets enough exercise e.g. running about, playin football, martial arts (great 4 discipline) because children use agression to release the energy built in within them if they release the energy through physical activites (hobbies) they will be alot more calm & relaxed because they have no energy left within them. Also examine what type of food does the child eat is his intake of additives of E numbers is in excess. Remember dont expect a child to do as u say & not what u do bcoz it won't work. I hope this helps
GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

My son has turned 15 months, and is going on 16 months old. He has never acted like that. Ofcourse, I haven't really had him around babies his age very much. I guess that's a negative on my part since I haven't socialized him much. I just don't really know many people with toddlers except his cousin, who's never around cuz his mom is "too busy". However, if my son did act like that, he'd get a time out, and explained to that is Not Nice, We Don't Hit, or We Don't Take Toys until it's Our Turn, etc... He'd be told not to do the specific behavior which was mean, and then he'd be put on time out, and if he didn't learn, then he'd go on another time out, and if that didn't work, we'd go home, and appologize to you and your daughter. Sounds like this other mom is lacking some parenting skills...

Answer 5

My daughter went through the same-I did time outs,and taking away a toy or denying an activity she enjoyed,explaining to her why this was being done. Such as a promised trip to the park would be cancelled,or no TV-something along those lines-and I would explain to her that because she'd been naughty,she'd lost the right to whatever it was I took away. She's 7 now-and sometimes I still have to do it-but for the most part she got the idea pretty quickly!

Answer 6

I had the same problem. It got so bad and I was clueless as to what to do about it that I took him to the dr. She said for me to hold him down ** put my legs over his and wrap my arms around him so that he couldn't move** It was to protect himself and others from getting hurt. She said keep him like that until he calmed down.. then loosen up, but don't let go until he had been still and quiet .. a minute for every yr of age and add a minute!! He'd get so bad that he would try to knock over televisions, furniture, and he would literally throw anything that he could pick up. She said that time-outs were good, but spanking him would only make things worse. She called him 'high maintenance'. Anyway, it's been almost a yr now and he's calmed down sooo much. Her advice really helped. He doesn't get spankings anymore. When he's bad he gets a timeout, but when he's in a rage then he gets held down. If you decide to try this I hope it works for you.. It's still a work in progress, but it seems to be working. It's been over 6mths since he's had an outburst!!

Answer 7

Let him know in no uncertain terms that this behaviour is unacceptable. Put him in a room nearby and leave him until he is prepared to calm down and be good. Let him know why you are putting him the room, and that he can come out only when he is quiet and good. When he 'eventually' goes quiet, allow him back in your company.
This may seem an extreme measure, but bare with it, and after a time ( could be a few times until he learns) it is effective. It worked for my oldest boy and my youngest daughter. And it worked for my mum on me...I remember it, and it didnt do me any harm.
There are a lot of psychologists, and 'do-gooders' who may not agree with this method, however, it is tried and trusted by my friends and family. Children must learn that bad behaviour like this is not acceptable and will not be given any attention.
When my mum sent me to another room, usually her room, I would tire my self out. This could take anything from ten minutes, twenty minutes, and even half hour sometimes. You must not give in, because children learn very easily that they can wrap you around their little finger if you allow them to. When I went quiet, she would come and get me and ask me: "Have you finished now?" And she would carry on as if nothing happened; being sure not to be too nice to me to begin with, so that I wasnt rewarded for going into the room. After a while, she would hug me and talk with me, and give me attention, because I was being good. You have to install in children from a young age that bad behaviour gets no attention, and good behaviour does get attention and rewards. The naughty step and stuff like this does not work on all children. My children are virtually grown up now, and they remember their stints in the time out room. We have referred to it a few times. And they have told me that they would do the same with their children, when and if the time comes.
I wish you all the best! :o)

Answer 8

he sounds alpha male to me... my son was mild till he was hit by another a few times and bitten.. wow what a wild child he became then, at two they have no idea how strong they are and further almost don't seem to care, not too much reasoning with them in a tizzy... i found a bottle of ice water with a nice adjustable squirter can get their attention from as far away as five feet. doesn't harm anything but alittle pride and redirects their anger into surprise and defense instead of offense..also they don't always associate the bottle with the pparent... sly if you can be the protector... when they stop being ugly and look to you for protection they are ready to listen to you and tell you what made them angry... also something to keep in mind... little ones arent too good at being patient, they have learned they can do lots of stuff but none of it well enough to keep from being easily frustrated and then the learned aggression comes out on everyone and thing. this too shall pass, my oldest is 25 my youngest is 2 right now... yes i gave birth to him lol

Answer 9

Remember don't get angry or argue back, warn them they will be sent to their room etc and if the bad behaviour persists carry it out your threat. Consistenty is the key, if you rep-remanded a child for their behaviour one week and then don't the next week they get confused with what's acceptable and what's not. Kids always try and push adults if they think they can get away with it. They need to learn from you what's acceptable and what's not because who else is going to teach them? People often look for quick fixes, its a change of life, it takes time and is hard and won't happen over night but will happen if you persist. If you keep giving up you need to think about what message that sends to your child.

Answer 10

Try to establish why he is behaving like this. Talk to him, he clearly has some emotional problems which are causing him to behave like this - it's your job as parent to find out what they are and help him to address the problem. If a kid is perfectly happy and secure then it is unlikely that they would behave in such a way. Also, make sure his diet is regulated properly, if your feeding him processed rubbish out of the freezer or giving him sweets (or cola - god forbid you'd give a child caffine), it is likely that he is getting too much sugar/fat. I hope this helps.

Answer 11

Try taking away things he enjoys and let him know why. Let him know that he will get those things back when his behavior becomes appropriate. Also there is a difference in telling a child off and the proper scolding. Make sure to talk to him on his level.