My 12 year old daughter is acting 19. How can I redirect her behavior without driving her away from me?

Question

I discovered yesterday that my daughter has a MySpace page on which she claims to be 19, uses nasty language, says she doesn't care how old she is when she loses her virginity and other things that make parents scream! She's 12!
I know it's normal for a child her age to start forming her own identity apart from her parents and experimenting with boundaries. However, I can't just sit idly by and pretend I never saw the page or that her behavior is in any way appropriate. I don't wish to stop her from expressing herself and I don't want to take away all her privacy, but she clearly needs to clean up her act and she needs a healthier way to express herself.
How do I point her in the right direction without creating quite the opposite effect? I don't want to push her into further secrecy, but I can't neglect my duty as her mother.

Answer 1

This is unfortunate but good that you see this now. Here is what I would do, and have done.

A long talk about 'how we attract people, usually results in the outcome of that attraction'. And that very often, 'being a magnet, gets us stuck with a dud'. I would take this in a positive direction by going clothes shopping with a seasonal budget, and do some planning. I would enter dancing lessons, or a club where girls and boys interact on a healthy basis. I would encourage self-esteem by complementing accomplishment in school or activities and encourage friends to come over.

I would not allow her to be on my space, now. Children her age get very attached to people without really seeing who they are beneath their veneer. Even with my teen we had to talk about how much personal identity should be revealed there, as very much harm can come from that source. Trying to be someone you are not, often leads bad people to your door, instead of the good people you would enjoy. Also, you need to protect yourself from people who pretend to be that comfy good guy who just wants to hold your hand. You never really know who is behind the mask, especially on the internet. It is important to know who your child's friends are, and the internet is very difficult. It might be better to restrict the internet to an XBOX or Playstation game and get a group you know together, and stay away from my space until later maturity.

The more you lead with generosity, the more she will follow and leave secrecy behind. The trust you show through engaging her in directions that are fun and interesting and show that you really do care, the more she will blossom. Don't be afraid, she is a great girl trying to find herself just like we were.

But very importantly, realize this one fact. Now is the time when she begins to establish her social identity. This is the time for your wisdom and experience to guide her to do this correctly.
You're just in time.

Answer 2

I think you need to be calmly stern with her with out yelling and screaming. Tell her you seen the myspace and ask her why she is doing it. This may just be her way of having fun. On a computer nobody really knows your true identity so she may feel cool.
What is her overall behavior like?? Is she excessively naughty or pretty well behaved. This is what you should really be looking at.
Have a look at her friends and see if YOU think she should hang out with them. If not then stop her seeing them. You're her mother and you have that power over her. Be strict and get a firm grip on her. Take things away from her that she loves but give it back when she behaves. Ground her. She may rebel at first but will thank you later on.
She is only 12 yrs old. You still have a lot more to deal with yet but hopefully if you get a handle on her it will only be minor things.
There is no harm for the children to know who is boss because it certainly is'nt them.
I wish you luck with it and Keep me in mind in 11 yrs time when my daughter gets to that age :)

Answer 3

Hello there. I am afraid that I am not writing to you to attempt to answer your question. When I read your question I was "flabbergasted"! I could have easily have written this question! Within a very short time my daughter has gone from a sweet little girl to a young lady who wears make up and wants to do things that are way over her head. She is interested in topics that she did not have any interest in a short time ago. Her interest n boys has developed over night. She has changed so quickly that it seems to have happened over night. She also is 12 years old.
She did recently start having her periods and I wonder if that could be responsible of any part of what is going on. My daughter is seeing a therapist and I am hoping that this will be helpful in some way. I will certainly keep you posted. My older daughter is 23 and I do not remember her ever going thru this drastic change.
Feel free to write to me as I am sure that two heads are better than one. I am a single mother so am trying to handle this by myself and could certainly use some support and we could share and perhaps gain some perspective from each other.
Take care and Blessings
Lady T~

Answer 4

After raising 2 daughters, sometimes they can get difficult between 12-17. A lot of it is hormone related.They can be sweet and compliant and then change and become moody and emotional. Hang in there..give lots of hugs and establish firm boundaries and know she won't be perfect. They do become kind again after some maturing and constancy in their hormonal cycles.

Answer 5

If she wants privacy, she has to earn it. Take EVERYTHING away from her and make her earn it back slowly. She probably will do everything to get her stuff back and learn to respect herself in the process. You have to take everything out of her room, except her bed. Do not let her talk on the phone, watch TV and so on until you feel as if you can trust her again.

Answer 6

Take back control now. Take away her computer and let her know what she is doing is WRONG!!!!

She needs to earn your trust back. Don't be easy on her and try and be her "friend". She has plenty of those. She needs a mom to set her straight and keep her safe.

She can express herself in band, sports, choir, drama, etc.....

It is a much too dangerous time for her to be acting 19 when there are predators out there just lurking for girls like yours to take advantage of.

Answer 7

This is a tough one, but I think you should just let her know that you have seen her page but dont mention anything about it, more than likley this is just a place to blow smoke and means nothing of it.

Have a talk with her about Sex and ensure that she knows the score when it comes to boys etc if you havent already done this.

If the behaviour continues you should take her to your local social work etc and see if there is a group that does discussions on other peoples behaviour such as a group of young women who have been on the same track as your daughter and how their life has turned out, Please dont make her feel as tho she should feel guilty and dirty this will just push her farther away.

Good Luck

Answer 8

First of all this is your daughter and not your friend, get with the program, cancel her myspace website, put her on punishment for her negative behavior, catch her before it is too late and she is nineteen and out of control. As parents our kids don't have to like us but they do have to live with us and we all have house rules.

Answer 9

Oh boy. House arrest. No computer. Home school. No unsupervised activities. Swim Team. SERIOUSLY! And DO NOT listen to anone's misguided psychobabble!

Or just say goodbye now.

Answer 10

first of all myspace is bad, block it on your computer. for your daughters safety. Try to get her to hang out with kids that act twelve. (in a not so obvious way). does she do sports with girls her age? good luck