My name is John, I turned sixteen last week and I live with my Nan and Grandad. I lead a normal life with my family just like any other really. But I’m not here to talk about the present; I’m here to talk about the past, but let me tell you I am not here to talk about happy families.
It all happened a year ago. It was my mum and dad’s wedding anniversary and, as usual, my dad was late home from work; God knows where he had been that day he always worked a long way away from home. My dad was the best salesman in the business, we were always quiet well off so to speak. Well we weren’t low on money ever...
2007-01-03 23:05:45 · 13 answers · asked by danielle h 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I think that it is a good start to the story it got me really interested and i would love to read more! To make it even better try and add some rhetorical questions in there!
2007-01-04 03:43:56 · answer #1 · answered by Swizzle 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad, try to make it less detailed and bring it More to the point. That will save you time and ink. It will also keep your audience captivated. When you say " I am not here to talk about the present, I am here to talk about the past, but let me tell you, I am not here to talk about happy families." Try not to repeat yourself to much you could change " I am not here to talk about happy families." you can leave that part out and direct your story in that direction so your audients can understand that your home life was not all that great. I am not a grammar teacher, but I write short stories in my spare time. Good Luck, it is a good beginning to what could be a great story. Good Luck George.
2007-01-04 07:39:49 · answer #2 · answered by george 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
no, focus on your story introduction.
Example: It all started a year ago at my parent's wedding anniversary. When my dad was late as always from work when.....(finish what happened).
See the difference.
2007-01-04 07:27:44 · answer #3 · answered by babydollgem 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Never met a Danielle called John before, are you sure you do not suffer from Ed Zacarys disease ? ..... I remember a rather difficult situation an old friend of mine's sister once had, poor girl. Apparently she had not even been on a date for around nine years let alone had sex or got laid, so she was talking to one of her girlfriends who told her of a promblem she had with her husband three years before. Apparently they had not been sleeping together as they once did so in some desperation the two of them had gone to a Chinese herbalist doctor, they had eight sessions with him and to this day they had never been to happy together. So, after asking her friend if she would go to any lengths to find change she offered her friend the telephone number. Three days later my friend's sister made the call and made an appointment to see the doctor, very nervous she atteneded at the time offered. She went in and was offered a chair and he began taking her history and asking what her concerns were and why she had come to see him, after telling the doctor of her worries and complaint he asked her if she would go to any lengths in order to find change to which she said she was desperate for change. He then asked her to disrobe to take everything off and to get on her hands and knees and to then crawl across the room, mortified she complied with his directions, once having crossed the room with him making tutting noises she looked over her shoulder to which he motioned her to make the return journey, crawling all the way back to him, all the way seeing him shake his head and continuing his tutting. She then asked him what was wrong, why was he shaking his head and tutting, to which he said that what she had was a serious case ..... one of the worse cases he had seen, she was in semi shock and asked him what he meant and was there any way to remedy what he thought she had. She then asked what it was he thought she had to which he said Ed Zacary's disease, one of the worst cases of Ed Zacary's disease he had ever seen, blown away she said what is Ed Zacary's disease, I've never ever even heard of it, so he explained, it is when your butt looks Ed Zacary like your face.
2007-01-04 07:42:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes, I think very much so. Successful writers always stick with what they know, I can see you did that.
It wet my appetite and now I would like to read more.
2007-01-04 11:46:09 · answer #5 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
thanks for the 2 points
2007-01-04 07:20:48 · answer #6 · answered by Wat Da Hell 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
A good way to start a story is by asking a question, e.g "What was it about that window that attracted all the villagers" corny i know but its gets the reader interested Good Luck
2007-01-04 07:08:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
My mum always made us a great dinner but dad always missed it & found it in the microwave when he got home...
2007-01-04 07:09:58 · answer #8 · answered by dazzler161281 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It is a OK but, maybe make it more interesting in the beginning.
2007-01-04 08:33:41 · answer #9 · answered by ~ ♥ ~ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
their is nothing in the opening to make me want to read anymore sorry its a no
2007-01-04 07:43:13 · answer #10 · answered by dottydog 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋