Anyone good with relationship advice?

Question

I have been with a guy for about 18 months now and we are currently happy. I am 20 and so is he, but I know he has no long term plans to be with me. He completely rules out marriage or children ever, and I want both of those things (eventually, I'm talking 10 years in the future or so). I would like to know whether I should stay with him for now and have fun, knowing there is no future, or quit whilst I am ahead. I really don't want 2 more years to go by and be in exactly the same position. I know there are things he wont tell me about his past, and he doesn't like me borrowing his phone or laptop. This means that I cannot trust him completely. I just dont know what to do. Part of me says I am too young to be thinking like this and the other says why waste your life on something you know has no future. Please let me know whether you are male or female when answering so I know what perspective you are coming from.

Answer 1

just remember that men mature slower than women , so as he's twenty he probably doesnt feel ready for marriage/kids for a long time yet and probably cant even imagine ever feeling ready. if you're happy with the relationship as it is, stop worrying about marriage and go with the flow. I bet in a couple of years he'll change his mind a pop the question when you least expect it!!!

Answer 2

I'm a girl who knows your situation all too well! In the past five years I've been cheated on in every relationship except (I hope!) my current one! Men can be very protective over their things but there's a border beyond which he's most likely hiding things from you. I once told an ex I'd forgotten to email something to a colleague and asked if I could borrow his computer - low and behold several rather explicit discussions were revealed between my charming man and another girl. If you worry, tell him so, all men get found out in the end. On the other hand, if you've been together for that long, he's unlikely to be hiding things from you now. But he should be able to share things from his past with you.

If you're only 20 then there's no reason to leave this guy just because he doesn't seem to be Mr Right, he can still be Mr Right Now and for the moment that'll be just as good. If you lose him now you might regret it and you'll only start dismissing more guys because you can't see yourself settling down with them, or they don't want to settle down. While some people do marry happily at your age, I wouldn't worry about it right now. I know plently of people aged between 24-29 who aren't married or engaged, in fact about half are still single! Do what feels right for the time being, don't compromise your relationship just for the sake of what might happen in ten years time!

Answer 3

I'm a woman!
Well really if you cant use his phone or laptop then he is obviously hiding something from you, which you already know. If you put that together with the fact he won't make any plans with you, you may have yourself a cheating boyfriend here, maybe he is flipping between the two of you. Maybe he's into adult chat-rooms or porn or anything like that you just don't know. Personally I'd find a way to look at his phone or laptop, even if its when he is asleep.
This is a problem that has to be addressed, if he is barring out marraige and children for the rest of his life and its not what you want, then I would suggest to leave him now. But no matter how many times me or anybody else on here tells you to leave him, you won't unless you really want to.
If he just wants to delay it a few years, then if you are ok with that it isn't a problem.
But whichever way you look at it, you do have relationship problems, and the only thing you can do, and god knows its cuch a cliche is talk to him about it. You are never going to get anywhere if you do, and you don't want to be posting questions on here for the next ten years of your relationship do you?!
Sit him down, maybe cook a meal or something, get a bottle of wine or a few beers or whatever you drink and tell him that you don't understand why he is so secretive with his things.
Now at this juncture let me give you a little body languave advice!
If he looks into the right hand side of his eyes, chances are he is lying. If he scratches his nose or ears or looks at the floor chances are he is lying too. If he faces his palms up towards the ceiling or looks you calmy in the eyes without a flushed face or a slightly damaged impression, he might just be telling the truth.
Yes I know I sound like a freak for going into that but I studied psychology and it all came in to it, often comes in handy with me!
Then talk about marraige. Now this is his key to turn it round n to you, remember that. He could come back with "Jesus you b*tch, your forcing me into this and I'm only young and we have only been together 18 months" well don't let him, say it in a different way. You need to say something along the lines of "And god knows I'm not ready to get married or have children for a good long while yet but it would be ice to know I am sharing my life with somebody who eventually, would like those things to"
Sounds to me he is a bit of a creep, no offense, and another of my good old cliches, you could probably do better, but I've had that advice and not taken it so I understand if you don't.
I hope this answer has been of some help and I would be more than happy to talk to you about this, so if you want to email me I wuld certainly reply, I really mean that.
Take care of yourself and good luck, I wish you all the best xxx

Answer 4

female - You are both only 20, so chances are he sees no future with you because he can't even think of these things yet. Men are bigger commitment phobes that women usually. Chances are he will change his mind but yes you're right, you can't wait forever. I would suggest you have fun for now if you love being with him. If in a couple of years things don't change, maybe think again. I know you don't want to waste too much time with someone you currently have no future with, but you are only 20. Even when you are older, you can find you spend year with someone you both decide you have a future with, and that doesn't work out. It will be tough to walk away. When you feel the time is right to walk away, you will do so then.

Also remember that when guys are asked about commitment they get defensive. Him saying "no kids ever" was possibly his defence to a difficult question. Maybe he feared telling him your plans promised him to you forever, which he isn't ready to do. I can't tell you how many times a guy has been asked if he wants a relationship and has said no, when they find someone they want and have a relationship. They just don't like being asked and most 20 year olds don't know what they want.

Don;t throw a good relationship away so young. However, what you could also question is your feelings for one another. I always think that while you cannot always commit for life, you should still visualise yourself as always wanting to be with that person. (not necesarily kids etc, just to be with them)Otherwise, how do you really feel? Good luck, I hope you find what you want.

Answer 5

I wouldn't waste anymore of my life.
You are 20, in the prime of your life.
You know this guy doesn't want the same things you do.
The most important person you should be thinking about right now is you.
It may sound selfish but your happiness comes first.

Are you happy? Just by asking this question you are having doubts about your relationship.

Move on and enjoy your youth. You only live once and you are only in your 20's for 10 years, which go by very fast.

Believe me I know I am 27 and it seems like I was just 17 yesterday.

Answer 6

I'm sorry to sound soo cliche, but honest is and always will be the best policy... Talk to him and find a way to tell him everything you have talked about above. Give him the opportunity to respond... Then and only then will you know how to proceed! Male - Married 14 years. One last thought... A long time ago I heard a song with lyrics that I live by, "Love is not a feeling, It's an act of your will" If love is simply a feeling, it will pass, but only when you realize that love is work to be done mutually will you know that it is real.

Answer 7

I'm a guy

I think that you should break up with him but stay his friend. If he has no intent on marriage, which is something you want, I doubt you'll be able to change his mind. As his friend you can still hang out and have fun, find someone else and be happy with them. At least, that's what I think.

Answer 8

There's nothing wrong with wanting to know where you're heading/whether you're wasteing your time.

Im 20 myself, and Im with a man who's ten years older than me- hes looking to settle down alot faster than I am, but does know eventually I want the same things. I just dont want to make a mistake, Im too young to marry and have kids (me personally anyway)

But your bf may be immature. Alot of lads his age will say 'never'. I take it your his first long term serious relationship?

Its upto you what you do, but it sounds like you need more security/a clearer direction, than hes going to give you.

Answer 9

You need to look at what you want, a family, and then what he doesn't want, a family. You know what you like in a man and as a result you should look for those qualities. I once dated a man who wanted a family, but he didn't want to be with anyone who had been raped. To his mind they brought on the rape, by who they were, how they dressed, what they did and as a result he couldn't form a relationship with them. He in fact had been in a failed relationship because of this (his wife had been raped). Look for the qualities you want, a man who can provide for a family, who wants a family and wants to be married. Then look for other qualities - those that match your interests. If you keep looking at men who are interested in just having fun then you are going to miss out on what you need and if you get pregnant by a man who doesn't want a family, you will be raising this child alone - do you really want that?

Answer 10

i'm female...hey i think you should talk to your boyfriend find out why he is hiding things and why he doesn't want marriage and kids...u can decide from there but if u want my opinion girl a guy who can't let u into his laptop or phone is definately shady,...also if he truly loved you he'd want to spend forever with you and he'd solidify it with the greatest commitment..marriage and he'd want to build a family with u...you're not young at all...i'm only 18 but i already hear wedding bells even tho i'm not actually getting hitched for at least 6 years..someimes i feel brody..its our natural instinct to want kids..my final piece of advice the one that works everytime FOLLOW YOUR HEART.....goodluck xxx