I behaved badly...How do I make it better?

Question

My boyfriend of two years is lovely, but it's clearly not going to work out. A year ago, I developed feelings for a friend (who I'd always thought was hot but didn't really get to know until then); we flirted a lot but it was obvious nothing was going to happen while I was still with my boyf. He backed off - unsurprisingly! - and we're still friends but a bit wary of each other. After this I decided to make a real effort with my boyfriend. I was very stressed (difficult time with other friends, work etc) and I felt pressure to make the relationship work. My boyf and I moved in together 6 months ago but he's now moving out so we can "see how it goes". I think it's doomed - he's a lovely person but doesn't want sex and he's not a great communicator - we're just very different... And I can't stop thinking about the friend I like. I feel terrible for leading this guy on by flirting when I had a boyf - if and when boyf and I split up, how can I convince my friend I'm serious about him?

Answer 1

You don't sound like you're a bad person, and it may well be possible that the fact that you felt attracted to someone else was already a sign that things were already not going too well in your current relationship.
What about your boyfriend?
He doens't seem to be very happy being with you either.
So, it maybe time to move on for both of you.
The fact that he doesn't want sex is kind of worrying.
Has something happened? Is he depressed? Is it with YOU?
Well, sex IS an important part of a relationship.
I think that you keep trying with your current boyfriend out of guilt, because it doesn't seem that it's working for either of you.
You should call it a day.
Not to jump into this other guy's bed, but to give you time to see things clearly and see what it is you need and want.
Then, if you do realize that it is this guy, then I guess it will be time to talk to him.
Good luck.xx

Answer 2

Until the nails are in the coffin of your current relationship you shouldn't get involved with the other guy. Stay focused and try harder. You could always try Relate, a marriage counselling service, even though your not married they can often still help. He must talk to you more, communication is the key to a strong relationship, sit down on neutral ground and discuss things over a coffee, ask him about the loss of sex drive, if he's under pressure at work / home / money and just help each other.

Good luck and all the best for 2007. x

Answer 3

Your only human, the difference is alot of people would have handled your situation a lot worse. My opinion is if your bf doesnt want to have sex and is moving out then your relationship has gone sour. you can re kindle it but how long will that last. I say call it a day and have some time on your own and with friends. theres no rule saying you have to get with someone else instantly.

you should give yourself some time to figure out exactly what you want and go for it. try not to burn any bridges. it comes down to the quote, 'the grass is always greener'

Good luck

Answer 4

well, you have yourself a situation. I think you need a little time to yourself before you try to get with your friend!! There is no point in going from boyfriend to boyfriend. From what i can gather you are still with your bf, so dont expect this friend to wait for you while you decide which 1 you want. If you dont think things will work between you and your bf, let him go and give him the chance to find someone who can respect him!!!! Which you obviously did not.

Answer 5

You backed off, didn't you? You didn't two-time your boyfriend and your other guy will respect you for that. He will believe you are serious when he realises that he is part of why you are not content to take second best with your first boyfriend, lovely though your first one is as a friend.

Answer 6

If your relationship ends, give yourself a decent amount of time to get over it all (even if you don't think it will be a traumatic break up) and then start to re-kindle your relationship with your friend, but take it slowly, and don't be surprised if he is very wary of having a relationship with you.

Answer 7

If he has any brains he will see you for what you are ..... or just maybe it is payback time, he will come and drink his fill at the well and in his own time move on to the one he really wants.
I remember a rather difficult situation an old friend of mine's sister once had, poor girl. Apparently she had not even been on a date for around nine years let alone had sex or got laid, so she was talking to one of her girlfriends who told her of a promblem she had with her husband three years before. Apparently they had not been sleeping together as they once did so in some desperation the two of them had gone to a Chinese herbalist doctor, they had eight sessions with him and to this day they had never been to happy together. So, after asking her friend if she would go to any lengths to find change she offered her friend the telephone number. Three days later my friend's sister made the call and made an appointment to see the doctor, very nervous she atteneded at the time offered. She went in and was offered a chair and he began taking her history and asking what her concerns were and why she had come to see him, after telling the doctor of her worries and complaint he asked her if she would go to any lengths in order to find change to which she said she was desperate for change. He then asked her to disrobe to take everything off and to get on her hands and knees and to then crawl across the room, mortified she complied with his directions, once having crossed the room with him making tutting noises she looked over her shoulder to which he motioned her to make the return journey, crawling all the way back to him, all the way seeing him shake his head and continuing his tutting. She then asked him what was wrong, why was he shaking his head and tutting, to which he said that what she had was a serious case ..... one of the worse cases he had seen, she was in semi shock and asked him what he meant and was there any way to remedy what he thought she had. She then asked what it was he thought she had to which he said Ed Zacary's disease, one of the worst cases of Ed Zacary's disease he had ever seen, blown away she said what is Ed Zacary's disease, I've never ever even heard of it, so he explained, it is when your butt looks Ed Zacary like your face.

Answer 8

If you can explain it that well in writing to complete strangers, then I do not think you will have a problem explaining to this person that you are serious, just try to express yourself as you have done above and I think you will be fine.

Answer 9

You just have to tell your friend exactly what you said here. You were trying to be fair to your b/f and tried to see if it would work but you couldn't stop thinking of him and you know now that you who you were meant to be with.

Answer 10

Tell your friend how you feel. Yes you will feel sorry for your soon to be ex but life is too short. Is it worth a lifetime of regret not to at least try?