Why do some people find it so hard to apologise?

Question

My husband just accused me of taking some documents that he was trying to hide from his briefcase.He had become even intimidating and had been a bit threatening.After he found them in the glove compartment in the car his attitude became quite friendly but there was no apology.
Should I even bother to wait for one?

Answer 1

Somebody like that won't usually apologize. So, don't hold your breath. We all know he should but he's probably not going to. Whatever you do, though, don't end up being the one apologizing to him. A lot of people do that just to keep the peace.~

Answer 2

You asked two questions. Why do some people find it hard to apologise and what should you do?

I think it is difficult to admit having made a mistake.

It seems that people who give themselves credit for all good things and think others are guilty of bad things are more successful in the workplace. Strange, but it makes it clear that the society rewards not to apologise. But in general in relationships it is more rewarded that you do apologise honestly. An honest apology when needed improves the relation and the trust in each other.

Now what should you do? First: do not wait, such a inactive way will not help you. You will remain angry, but he will not do a thing, maybe will not know hat you are angry about. Either forgive him or talk about it.

Second: My advice is: talk about it. Maybe it is better to talk about the way he is unable to apologise, because it is more important to change his attitude towards apologising, than only in this specific case. Ask yourself whether you both are good enough in complimenting each other and apologising yourself. If he is the only one who has to learn: give him a compliment when he does it. In many cases the reaction is more something like: "Yes you should apologise, because it was definitely a wrong thing". That does not encourage apologising.

Good luck, I have to admit, I have difiiculty in apologising too.

Answer 3

I have a friend of over 50 years who is the most wonderful person, but she has never once said that she was sorry about anything. It used to bug me until I thought of it in a different light and actually now have compassion for her. She is a perfectionist....to the point having only two gears and those are stop and go. She goes so hard that she actually collapses and sleeps for a couple of days. I can't even imagine living in her skin as I don't care if the dishes stay in the sink all night long and half of the next day. If the "perfection" thing applies to your husband just remember that he CAN'T BE WRONG BECAUSE HE IS A PERFECTIONIST AND DOESN'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES HE THINKS. Personally, I would confront him as he is your husband and simply ask him why he would go ballistic over anything anyway and ask him why he can't just say, "I'm sorry honey...I really overreacted"> I wouldn't be married to someone like this for sure.

Answer 4

I may be completely wrong, but some people, do not want to damage their pride and mental ego. One of these people, by the sound of it, is probably your husband, and i would reccomend this:

wait a few more days, if you're patient, perhaps a week or two

if nothing happens, forget the apology! He might be up to something! Locate those papers and read them at God's Speed!

If there's something fishy with the papers, that's up to you i'm afraid. If not demand to know why he was hiding them. If he refuses, come up with a load of rubbish like;

You: When you married me, you promised in your vows, that you would hide no secrets from me. You are hiding something from me *husbands name*, and I know it. If you carry on like this, I will leave. And i have a feeling you wouldn't care less.

By saying this, you are hopefully making him feel guilty, but also with a threat to add insult to injury.

I hope that helps you, and I hope everything turns out ok.

Answer 5

Just ask yourself the question..why and what was he trying to hide. Be open and honest, like he and both should be in a marriage, and ask him straight:

"Why were you trying to hide those documents you found in the glove compartment?"....if he asks you why you wish to know, then tell him you got suspicious due to the way he treated you whilst looking for them!

With regards to threats and intimidation you have to decide yourself to whom you turn for help. I suggest talking to a marriage advisory service, because this is trust issue!

If he loves you, he will come to you from himself to apologize if not then you have to make a big decision. I wish you the best of luck and happiness! cheers

Answer 6

People find apologies difficult because ultimately and apology is an admission of having done something wrong.

If I where you I would ask for an apology, but to be honest the questions I would really want to know is what the heck where those documents in his brief case and why would he want to hide them form you.

Answer 7

I strongly believe that it depends on the individual's personality.
Is he the outspoken type? Is he the type that readily admits mistake and apologizes immediately? Or is he the shy type that knows he made a mistake but can't bring himself to say "I'm sorry", but rather, shows it in another way?

Perhaps, in light moments, you can open the subject to him and tell him that you felt offended when he suddenly jumped to the conclusion that you took some of his documents in his briefcase. Maybe, that will be the time that he will apologize to you.

Answer 8

It's difficult to apologise. It means admitting you're not a completely intelligent, perfect human being (and though of course i know i'm not perfect, actually coming out and really meaning it without false modesty is tough). It also means when you are apologising to someone you are putting the power to forgive you in their hands, and being the submissive one. I think obviously your husband should apologise but he may not, maybe he's embarassed he overreacted so badly.

Answer 9

Pride keeps people from apologizing.

You should be asking yourself other things, like why is he hiding things from you? and LOOK at what you wrote... "he became intimidating and a 'bit' threatening" ?

How is he at other times ? Maybe you need to talk to someone. Sounds like he's a bully. Be careful.

Answer 10

I'd make it very clear to him that you want an expect an apology. If he doesn't go one liek normal, but continure being mad at him. Don't be nice and cuddly until you get what you deserve.

Also, I might just be worried about what documents he had that he was so desperate and paranoid about hiding form you.