Any advice?My mother in law will not follow our instructions.?

Question

We have talked to her several times but to no avail. My wife said "if it was anyone but my mom, we just wouldnt let her be around our child." Now we have another on the way and I just don't think I can take it. The MIL thinks because she raised a child she doesnt have to do what we {esecially me the dad} says. I am at the point I don't even want her around. We got along ok until the child came. How do I get my life back and get the MIL to do what we ask?

Oh yes I almost forgot {how could I?!?} They sold their house in another state and moved here to "help with the baby". We never asked them to do this!

Answer 1

1. First I think that you and your wife need to have a talk and get on the same page about what needs to be done about the MIL.

2.Next you've got to explain to the MIL that you love her but she is not going to be around your children if she doesn't respect your wishes.

3. If she doesn't do as you tell her stop letting her see the children.

4. This will get her attention. Once you have her attention restate the ground rules in a kind and loving fashion and give her a second chance.

5. If she slips up again repeat and then give her a third chance.

6. After the third try you push her out of your lives until she gets that you are the parents and that she is not in charge.

hope this helps

Answer 2

Ah...when in Rome....or is it?

It truly depends on what the "instructions" are and how often the grandparents see the child.

Example: I don't let my six month old watch any tv. I don't have it on when she's in the room (it's rarely on, anyway). However, at my in-laws, the "Magic Box" is on almost 24/7, and, of course, Baby is fascinated by it. Does it matter in the long run? Not really, since they only see her about one long weekend a month. So, I let it slide.

Example: They want to put her in a blanket, despite me telling them not to. HELL NO! I have two inviolate rules: No smoking around the Baby, and NO blankets for sleeping. I finally went out and bought a zipper blanket JUST for their house, as they're convinced she's going to freeze to death without one. But they will NOT put a blanket in with her. (My SIL would tell me...she's a good snoop ;-)

If your inlaws see the baby often, they should follow your rules/schedule as much as reasonably possible. If they seldomly see your baby, as long as it's not a safety issue, let it go. Grandparents are supposed to spoil the baby, carry it everywhere, buy it outrageous, expensive gifts, and sneak baby some forbidden, sugary stuff every now and then. NOTE: every now and then. Not every day. Not every week. Maybe y'all could set up a "grandparent spoil day" for them. Seriously. Where, say, on the first and fifteenth, they can take the baby everywhere, buy it ridiculous stuff, let it watch umpteen hours of tv, and give it chocolate cake for breakfast (assuming that the baby's old enough for wheat/chocolate/etc.), and you squirm and inwardly groan, but you don't say a word about it. And the rest of the time, they are expected to follow your guidelines. We had to limit my inlaws to a long weekend a month, as it's too disruptive otherwise (and it's a 3 1/2 hour drive each way).

Babies don't respond well to disruptions in schedules, and it takes time for them to learn that "these are the rules here" and "these are the rules at grandma's house". The more consistent, the better. If all else fails, start with "Our pediatrician said it's best to (stay on a sleep schedule, not introduce coffee at 4 months, not take the kid to the smoke-filled bingo hall, etc)., and we feel bound to follow his/her recommendations. No need to be mad at YOU, it's your ped's decision, not yours.

Answer 3

Hello! I have been in the same situation that you have for over 3 years now, and in all honesty it put alot of stress on our family and our marriage, and what we found was that when we centered on our family, and our family became a strong family unit, we didn't need anyone else, and so we put a stop to her visiting completely. She was not allowed to visit us unless asked, our number went unlisted and she was not given the number. If she needed to contact us in the event of an emergency we had a desginated person she could call who would call us. She was not allowed alone with the children, and not allowed in our home unless my husband and I both were home, otherwise she would play us against eachother. Currently we have not spoken to her in 3 weeks, and it has gotten better every day. Your children will have TONS of authority issues with you if they see Grandma overriding your decisions and undermining you. You need to put a stop to it immediately. Your MIL needs to move back to where she came from, and you will need to tell her that in a letter signed by both of you. Outline your decisions, and make it clear what will happen if she breaks the rules. Our life is wonderful now that we've put a stop to this. We're even thinking of adopting and adding another child to our wonderful home. Good luck with it!

Answer 4

Your wife needs to stand up to her mother. She has the long term relationship that will sustain strain. It should not be on you. My husband and I agree that when my family is concerned and is doing something that is not comfortable or acceptable to my husband, it is my responsibility to speak to them and make it clear he and I are together on whatever the issue is and it works the other way for his family. He has demonstrated this by intervening if his mother makes the slightest unfavorable comment about how I care for our son. She has completely stopped this and is very careful of her words and my feelings now.

Your wife may have to tell her that unless she corrects her behavior she will not be allowed around your child as any other person wouldn't be. Grandparents should never damage or intercede in the relationship between the child and the parents (unless it is abusive). It is not healthy for the child or the family unit. Good luck.

Answer 5

Put your foot down. Tell your wife that if that if the ML does not do as asked you will ask her to leave, or you and the child will leave, depending on who is where.Then tell your ML that she will not be permitted around her grandchild until she can follow your instructions. Tell the ML you know she raised a child, but that this is your child, and it will be raised your way. If she can not agree don't let her see the child. I also think your wife should take your side in this matter, you are her husband and she should not let her mom push you around. She should stand up to her mom in your defense.

Answer 6

My mom is exactly the same with my brother and his wife and their new baby. You need to limit the time she spends alone with the child. Also, think really hard about the issues you have differing opinions on. Figure out if they're worth arguing about or not. If they are, you and your wife should sit down with her and explain that you are the parents and you call the shots.

Answer 7

i can tell you, not only did i have a mother in law that wouldnt listen to me, but i also had a father in law, and a sister in law. three in laws that saw things totally different than i did. and, they all live in the same house, so that made it worse. it came to the point to where i had to tell them to let me raise my daughter the way i wanted to, and i told my mother in law that she had her chance to be a mom, and that now its my turn to be a mom. at four months old, i had no idea they were giving my daughter suckers and letting her eat cake, untill i watched a home video they had made. i had to explain to them, that a four month old does not need all that sugar, and how bad it was for her. i know they still do things behind my back that i tell them not to do, but once i catch on to what they are doing, they tend to back off. tell your mother in law, to let you be the parent. its your child, and she should respect your wishes. threaten her that if she dosent stop, that you will limit the time she gets to see her grand baby.

Answer 8

Really - is it a matter of safety for your child...she insists on doing something that she did now considered dangerous (like putting them to sleep on their belly) or is it a matter of parenting preference.

Or are you possibly new parents and bit of a control freak about your child (and no judgement...I was there)? And really - how often do you see her anyway?

If your MIL is not putting your child in any danger, then let it go. It won't ruin your child. My father-in-law taught my then 2 y.o. to say "Good Beer" after he burped. At the time I was horrified and FURIOUS. Now it is a great family joke and a tie my 6 y.o. son has to him since Pap Pap passed away 2 years ago. My MIL gave my 2y.o. soda. Did I like it? NO! Did it hurt my child to have glass of soda at Granny's house. No.

My mom is more respectful of our parenting styles, so of course, she is my go-to person. My MIL, I've learned for the sake of my children to let go, and now, I find that really I was often worked up about a whole lot of nothing. And when she does start to do something I just can't allow (like give my child a cup of M& M's right before bed) I just kindly redirect and sweetly not let her rule my roost.

(PS I found that the more it seemed to upset me when she did stuff, the more she seemd to do it. When I learned to at least act like I didn't care - she backed off. I think it was a power trip...and I won - but she thinks she did. Clever huh?!?).

Answer 9

You and your wife should approach her together. Agree beforehand what you're going to say. Tell her that you both care about her however she has to abide by your rules for your children or you will ask that she not visit very often because it is very stressful.
Good Luck

Answer 10

This is what I do:

Father-in-law: "I'm going to give the baby the rest of this chocolate icing" (the baby being 6 months old at the time"
Me: "You can't feed a baby chocolate"
FIL: "Yes you can"
Me: "Because it is pure sugar, they don't need it and chocolate is highler allergenic"
FIL: starts ranting rather incoherently about allergins, exposure, blah blah, in my day"
Me(interupting -firmly but not yelling "Because I am his mom and I say so, and if you have a problem following my rules for my child he doesn't need to come visit"

END OF STORY!