My husband wants children, but he hates them!?

Question

Well, not hates...but doesn't much like.
We are a very young couple, he now is only 20. We don't plan on having kids for some years yet, but we are talking about it, and the question has come up whether I want to have them at all.
You see, he doesn't like children. At our reception, I tried to introduce him to my beautiful little "nephew" Christian, who's 1. He literally backed up and said, "Uh....okay. It's a kid." He refused to touch him like the baby was the plague!
However, he claims it's because he doesn't like kids who aren't his. But he doesn't have any, so to me this just says he doesn't like kids. I feel he wants children more as a trophy, or for the sake of having some perfect family, than he does because he wants to be a father. When I told him I didn't want to have children with him until he grew to like them and want to raise the, he gets super pissed.

Am I overreacting here? Do many guys act this way, but still be good fathers?

Answer 1

Well, it is hard to tell you what it is.

I know that my husband was rather "okay" with kids, but when we had our daughter, for the first nine months or so of her life, he was rather stand offish. But I noticed as she got older, and developed more of a true personality and really began to interact with people and things around her, he really got involved with her. Now he is a doting father with her, and he loves just sitting and watching her.

He may be telling the truth about not really liking kids unless they are his. But I think I would tell him that before any kids are brought into this world, he has to show that he would truly be involved with them. Whether it be borrowing someone's kid for a night, or just babysitting for a few hours. I think he needs to be honest and prove that he would step up if a child were to come into the picture.

Answer 2

He sounds kinds of like he might have the same problem that I have. I don't have kids and want kids but do not like other peoples children most of the time either.

My reason is I am awkward with kids not having been around any little ones growing up. I just feel really weird like I don't know what to do with them at all.

Also a huge problem I have is parents tend to be very crazy about there kids and it makes me nervous. If I am not super close to the parents I am way not comfortable with the kids.

Even holding a child if they reach for something I think they shouldn't have and tell them no or try to distract them or whatever. I feel really crappy when the parents don't care and tell me so or are really lax about whatever it was and try to correct me like I'm clueless or worse yet act angry like I was mean.

I mean it's a weird situation when you tell a persons kid no don't put the dogs brush in your mouth it's yucky and they swarm in like mad dogs.

Since my best friends have had children I have changed allot. But am still nervous. But because I know my friends so well I am comfortable that they are not going to get mad or act like I am nuts when dealing with the kids.

I know this sounds kind of crazy. But if your nervous all this adds up.

People think it is weird for me to feel this way because I am a chick and should natrually love kids. Bur I don't and lots of guys feel this way too and relate. I wouldn't pressure him. Unless he is a really shallow person I doubt he wants kids just to show off. The more you pressure him the worse he may feel and guys love to get angry when you make them feel bad.

If you love this guy and trust him that don't be so down on him. If he is a good guy then he will probably be a good father.

Answer 3

Well your husband might be like me (i am female though), I want a child too, but other peoples kids are not my cup of tea. You tried to show him what you thought was your beautiful nephew, which to you probably is. I do not automatically think all kids are cute, and if I don't have to deal with other peoples kids that is fine by me. they are not my responsibility and I don't think every little thing they do are cute.
However, you do have a good point about the trophy part. Alot of people do just see kids as an extension of themselves and want to have children so they can do this and that with them and it is more about them then the child. You may want to seek couples counseling to find out why he exactly does want children.

Answer 4

i serious doubt if u should have children with him now if he grew up and acted different then that might be different. i often see kids that dont come from a good home like nobody wants them and i would hate for u to have kids and the father may not want them. how would u feel if u were in those kids postion. if he cant stand being around any kids especially a family kids then get a clue he may be the same with urs. think before u do it.

Answer 5

It is kind of weird behavior, but like you say, he's just now twenty. Also, he's a guy - there are a lot of guys who haven't been around little kids much and get uncomfortable. Maybe give him five or six years and see if he gets more comfortable with the idea of real kids versus theoretical kids.

Regardless, I think you're wise to be cautious about bringing kids into the situation. I don't think you're overreacting.

Answer 6

You are completely in the right to feel how you do. You got to like kids a little bit to want them. If he can't even met your nephew what does that mean about if you guys have kids? Will he get up in the middle of the night to change him? Will he want to hold just because he can? You have to wonder about those things,because kids are a lot of fun,but work and you want your child to grow up knowing that their father loved them unconditonally.

Answer 7

My husband confused me a lot when our son was small. He was so loving to him, but the total opposite to his nieces and nephews. Having your own flesh and blood will make you naturally like your own, ..... unless you literally hate kids. Definitely do not give up on him because of this, but do observe him and listen to his stories about his past why he is like this. Maybe his father was never affectionate to him also when he was small. My husband says that his father never hugged and kissed them.... or never said "I love you", but that he was a good father. He loves our sons and cuddles with them a lot. Give him a chance to do better than his own dad..... and do make him aware of the fact that he will have to proactively try to be different from what he knows.... be more child oriented and playful, if he wants to be the father of your future children.

Answer 8

My husband has always liked older kids but to be honest was afraid of toddlers and babies because he didn't know what to do with them. Maybe this is the case with your hubby. We now have a 20 month old daughter and from day 1 he knew exactly how to be a daddy to his own baby girl. I would talk to him and see what he thinks the real problem is... or if he's like my husband you might have to trick him into telling you (he's not much into "talking")

Answer 9

YES! Alot of guys act that way...it's just a maturity level thing...he has some growing up to do, and most likely he doesn't have any experience with children, so he felt awkward around Christian and didn't know what to do with him, and didn't want to look silly with him. My brother is the same way...he's 21 and he literally runs from other kids, but as soon as he gets around my 2 year old (his niece) they go crazy and he plays barbies and will be the horse she rides around the house...he just doesn't know what to do with them. He'll grow out of it...I don't want to sound like I"m saying he's immature, because most likely he isn't, but to some people acting silly with kids and getting down on the floor rolling around or cuddling a baby just isn't that comfortable in a public situation. I bet if you guys babysat alone with Christian he'd be more likely to come out of his shell. Talk to him next time you're around a baby and tell him what to do or how to say hi to them...just coach him along. He'll be a great dad one day!

Answer 10

My first husband was the same way, but had never been around kids much. When we had our daughter, he was your husband's age, he did fine. He did freak out ever time she made a noise the first few nights though, like if she sneezed he thought she was dying. Him and his new wife now have 4 between them, and he is a good and loving father. He just might have never been around them so they make him nervous. I am sure he would love his own child very much. He could suprise you, I was.