She doesn't want to be happy?

Question

It took me a while to accept, but I really think my gf has some serious unresolved issues that are going to take some pro. help. Being in a relationship w/ her has taken its toll on me now, too. I have got an appointment set for ME now next week, but really (and I am very serious) want her to go at some point if, for no other reason, because she is never going to be happy w/ me or anyone else until she takes care of whatever this is (and I think it's pretty heavy stuff). Any advice?

Before anyone asks or suggests, yes, we have talked and she is VERY closed about this stuff. I let it go for a while and tried to let her "come to me" and now all she can do is pull me close then push me away. She might hate me for this, but I care enough about her not to care if she does. She needs a new perspective on things and I've given up on the idea she can do that herself.

And please be nice. This is, unfortunately, a serious question.

And when I say "go", I mean go with me, even if she talks to this person by herself.

Answer 1

I am unsure of how long the two of you have been together, but I would imagine even with help it is going to take time. First they have to figure out her programing (why is she the way she is)Then they have to unprogram her and reprogram her. For some people it is easier to pretend that it isn't a problem than to face the facts. Is she willing to go with you and does she want help? If she doesn't want the help, then she may still not be willing to open up about it even to a pro. What is her idea of seeing a pro...she may not even like the idea, or worse yet think that you think she is crazy. A therapist is going to tell you you are either co-dependent or you need to set healthy boundries to overcome the toll that it is taking on you. You have to become OK with who and how she is untill she decides to fix it. She has to be responsible for her (actions, emotions, and thinking) and you responsible for just you. There is a book called boundries you might check it out. Let her push you away for a little while, if she has issues and you know this don't take it personal give her her space. When she pulls you to her give her the love, attention, affection, and approval she needs. I don't know the age but I come from being a latch key kid... my parents weren't there and I was responsible for a lot at a young age... my parents would complain if I swept the carpet wrong... in my mind I was never good enough...going through the dating seen I had many troubles because I didn't think I was good enough and he was never good enough either. This doesn't include any deeper issues...(my parents divorce, mental, emotional, physical and sexual issues) you might check out self help books and workbooks explain to her you want to help her in a manner that is healthy for both of you. The worst thing is it doesnt help and you have to find another way to help... The worst thing is you know what is going on with her...Try to open her mind what is so bad that she can't share it with you so that together she can overcome it......depression, and bipolar can cause a person to push and pull as well...so could unresolved issues with rape... it could be a wide variety of things so explore it together...Good Luck

Answer 2

Well you are doing the right thing for yourself, getting some professional help. Yes she sounds like she does need professional help, if he is trying to keep it all enclosed in herself, and does not want to talk about it to anyone even you. It is fine that you want to take her there, even if you do not get to go in with her, that really shows that you are very concern about her, and love her very much. I know from myself that there are things, that i have stuffed for so long, that they finally came out the wrong ways, and believe me she really don't want that to happen. It is a lot better to go and seek the professional help, and get so she can trust the person she is going to be talkingn to now , then wait later. Cause as time goes by it just gets harder and harder. You are right, she does need to get this resolved whatever it is , so she can have a very happy relationship with you or who ever she may end up with. Just let her know how you feel, and maybe she will see how it is effecting you too. She does need to do this just not for you, but for herself, cause if she does not do it for herself , well then it is not going to work to well. I know it is hard to talk about somethings, but usually those things need to be talked about , and gotten out. She will find even though she will not forget what ever it is , that she will feel a lot better the more she works on it, and it will become easier, and she will be much happier in the long run.

Answer 3

Just from the little bit I've read, I'm wondering if your girlfriend might be struggling with borderline personality disorder? Possibly? When you described how she pulls you close then pushes you away, that describes the disorder perfectly. Please consider checking out this site for just five minutes, it's the symptoms of this disorder, and while there's no cure, there is a lot of help available to her if she's willing to give it a try.

http://mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=517&cn=8

In this, it explains how a person can switch from adoring someone to devaluating them suddenly, and I just wonder if that could be what your girlfriend is trying to cope with.

That's the best I can think of. Good luck with this!

Answer 4

Pulling you close then pushing you away sounds like "Borderline Personality Disorder". Check out www.bpdandabandonment.com
If she has this then most likely she was abandoned (physically or emotionally) by one or both of her parents early in her childhood. I recommend reading "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me! Understanding the Borderline Personality" I don't know the authors name but good luck with all of this :)

Answer 5

It is good that you care and are being so supportive. Just be careful about pushing her into something she isn't ready for, because it could backfire on you big time. Let her know that when she is ready, you will be there to support her in any way you can. When you talk to her, use words like, "When you (behavior) it makes me feel like you are pushing me away." Don't blame, but let her know how you feel. Your feelings count too.

Answer 6

Your girlfriend will not seek help because she doesn't think she has any problems. Thats what is wrong with her. Most people, when pointed out to them, can see their self destructive behavior...and they change it. YOU need to remove all unhealthy influences from her life...she doesnt have the ability to do it. She will NEVER snap out of it. If she is ever diagnosed with borderline personality disorder you need to cut your losses and move on.

Answer 7

Until she understands that "you are only as happy as you decide to be" she will nevery be happy. You can't "make" her be happy no more than you can "make" an alcoholic or drug addict stop being addicted. She has to make that decision and come to the conclusion on her own.

Answer 8

Consider just loving her for who she is.

Imposing your ideal vision of her on her, you may just terminate the relationship.

Answer 9

Move on. Get into a better relationship.

Answer 10

dude...just because she's losing it doesn't mean you are...i'll bet she's pretty and maybe playing with your head...find someone else who is consistant