I was in the pub the other day when........?

Question

I asked the barman for some change for the cigarette machine,
I put my money in and the cigarette machine shouted "Your a fat b@stard, your not getting any fags, Now f#ck off!"
I couldn't believe it so I went to tell the barman, as I waited for him I helped myself to some peanuts that were in a bowl at the bar, as I did they started to speak to me "Hi , Nice tan, Your'e looking good today, Have you been working out?"
When the barman came over I told him what had happened with the cigarette machine and the peanuts,
He replied "well the cigarette machine is Out of Order but the peanuts are Complimentary."

Answer 1

You did not tell us what the ' condom vending machine ' which was sited in the Old Folks Home said every time it was used.
" God Bless Queen Victoria and check the use before date"

Answer 2

Cute but funny! 8/10!

Answer 3

good 1 pmsl 10/10

Answer 4

I guess that the Pickled Hard Boiled eggs were... pickled?
"Whasha matter, yu neveer sheen an drunk egg without a shell?"

Answer 5

nice one pmsl worth at least 9/10

Answer 6

In the pub down the road a man went up to the bar and asked:
'two pints of lager please, donkey'

Later on he said 'two whiskys and a vodka please donkey'

I asked the barman 'Why do you put up with such rudeness?'

He answered ' Eeo - eeo- e always calls me that!'

Answer 7

Like it

Answer 8

good one 9/10

Answer 9

Then I met saddam hussein and said hows it hanging

Answer 10

Good one.