Friends???

Question

I am known as the "accidental friend." I care about everybody and anybody, no matter who they are or what they say, even if I know all it is going to bring me is pain. People tell me that it is a gift, but at 25 I realize that it is not. Yeah! How naive of me?

I wish I could shut it off, but I can't. People who don't even know me can feel it and they know I care about them no matter how much it hurts. I guess I don't have 1 question here, but a multitude of why's, none of which can be answered. I have stopped talking or caring about people like I used to, but every now and then I feel that I should revert myself to the old ways, because I know they really miss the "old me" but then I'd be pretending to be someone I am not...Life! Why is it always cruel to people who give more than they take?

Answer 1

its the difference between naivete and maturity, innocence and knowledge.

what you have is indeed a gift. to emphatize, sympathize, and Help others. there are a LOT of good people out there who need a friend like you. *however*, there are BAD people who will take advantage of it, and seek people like you out.

this is where maturity and knowledge comes in: the moment someone shows you negative intentions, distance yourself. learn how to read people, use your intuition. there is a difference between

one who honestly has no one to turn to, who needs ONE person to show them care or attention, and they will be heartened by it....

and a person who stays helpless for careless reasons, and uses others to get ahead

if u encounter the 2nd type, let them go. dont be upset or feel "duped", just wish them well and part ways. but if it is the 1st type, you may very well be their saving grace.

we need more love and understanding in this world!! but not blindly, because u may burn out. take care always~

Answer 2

I can really understand what you have been through, because I have been through that my whole life, and I'm 30 years older than you.
First, you don't want to stop that part of your life entirely, but you'll need to control it to be happy. People don't undersand your gift or respect it. I hope you know a lot of nice people, because a lot of them are probably users. Set some rules for yourself, like you will not lend or give money to anyone who is not family or your very best friend, under any circumstances. Even then, I do not advise lending or giving money to family members either. You'll just be encouraging people to depend on you and become parasites. Sometimes you'll help, and then you'll find out later that the money you gave them actually caused more harm than good. If you must give money to someone, keep it small, keep it anonymous if you can, and if you can't give it with the clear expectation (known by all involved) that you do not expect the money to be returned ever.
As far as giving of your time and of yourself, it's a different matter. Please feel free to give of your time to people, so long as it does not interfer with your family life (husband and children). No one should ever feel free to surprise you and wake you up on a Saturday morning at 9 AM, after you've spent a hard week at work. Ask people to pelase call first before they come over, and feel free to let them know that phone calls are too late, or you really have something else to do.
People probably like you at first. They are flattered that you are taking interest in them, but then they will see that you act that way with everyone and they are not particularly special. At that point they begin to lose their respect for you, because they sense that something is wrong with you. If they are evil they will just exploit you.
I think you should go into psychological counseling, because you need the internal strength to be able to say "No" to people. This would be just a guess, but I wonder if you had an alcoholic parent or grandparent. Your behavior shows you exhibit some of the symptoms. I'm going to list them for you here:

As adults, certain "symptoms" are often exhibited which the adult child is not even aware of. Adult children of alcoholics:
- guess at what "normal" behavior is.
- have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
- lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
- judge themselves without mercy.
- have difficulty having fun, or relaxing.
- take themselves very seriously, and have difficulty allowing their needs to be met.
- have difficulty with intimate relationships.
- overact to changes over which they have no control.
- constantly seek approval and affirmation.
- usually feel that they are different from other people.
- are super-responsible or super-irresponsible, have difficulty relying on others, and do not know how to follow - or do not know how to lead.
- are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
- are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend a excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

I am telling you this so you can think it over and understand that your problem was not caused by you, but by a psychological black hole that was passed on to you by a family member.
Once you understand yourself better, then perhaps you can manage yourself in such a way that your "gift" becomes a pleasure for all involved. You might think about embarking on a career that involves helping people. Just be careful to avoid "burnout".
I wish you the very best and hope this was not too harsh.

Answer 3

Keep in mind this is just my thoughts and opinions. I hope they can bring to light some of the why fors you have.
Those people who told you your willingness to give unto others that this IS a gift werent lying to you, however, its not a gift to you its a gift to humanity. Your so called naievety can only be educated in the classroom of life experience's, so don't be so hard on yourself.
You are right to say that people who don't even know you can 'feel' the kindess of your soul. You exude it, regardless the willingness or non-willingness to be as you are. In the scheme of things all those who do need your help you feel more than likely search you out and find you, when in reality you attract and "want" these people to be in your life. Why, because you give so freely and by helping them out and solving issus for them it initally makes you feel good about yourself. You are a fixer type person, mind you, and here is the twist bringing light to one of your dilemmas. These people whom you fix have one agenda in mind, their own. They also, more than likely, have NOT the capability to give back or help you with any of what you in your mind think should be returned back to you.
I believe and feel that you should continue being the person you are, but be wise my friend. If unselfishly you do things for another then it has to be supported with an unselfish or hopeful mind. You say you have been hurt greatly, and its obvious that life has been hurtful to you, life is cruel, it isn't for the weak...sh-t! Those who give unto another so selflessly, NO not selfISHly, but selflessly in the end there is no recognition, medals or prizes to be given. God bless the Samaritians out there. A lot of the time there really isn't even the sancitity of loyalty let alone spiritual gratitude to be had.
You are good people, and I wish that could give you all the answers to your whys or offering more support but there really isn't any. This question of "do" or "don't be who I am will be a continual battle for you, because the game of life is not an easy one, it is a constant challenge, and you throughout your life will have to configure and re-configure your own self. Why, because there is one sure thing and that is constant change occurrs, hence when change is a definite event then one needs rise above it and accept moving as smoothly as possible through it. In order to survive we have to keep up with life and her endearing qualities, or be spit out. The compromising of self one way or the other has rendered you quite miserable, however, right now I suggest that you don't shut your real self down, but mix it up keeping your eyes open wide shut, and make things easier, be that person you were born to be and got to know so well. Only this time around a new game plan is in order...YOU are a gift to society, know it, live it believe it, and feel it. Your gifts from heaven of tolerance, capability, and having possession
of compassion for all is that what it is, SOoo be real and do as you are meant to do, 'help others when they cannot help themselves.
Yes, I understand your jaded mind and heart thing trust me, but you risk NOT meeting that very important soul that needs to be in your world or is suppose to be in your life if you go into hibernation. No less, remember this in a blink of an eye an opportunity can be gone forever.
I am sorry for your pain, I too, felt as you do many a day or two and I don't have all the answers, but I do know this much, when my jaded side is allowed to run things the results are usually disasterous. The operative word here is Jaded.
I know this as much as you do there is within your group of peers people who really care about you, c'mon. Also, in the event of helping another don't become so emeshed with them until they've proven themselves to you one way or another. You must develop boundries for yourself allotting a limitation of things you do, and accept./Vice-a Versa.
p.s. excuse my spelling--spell check isn't working

Answer 4

I think that you should be yourself. I give all I can give and feel great for it and am genuinely loved in return. If you were like me then people feel happy around you because you care and make them feel good - now what could be wrong with that. I give love, support and acceptance, I'm 24 have made mistakes in the past giving money etc. but live and learn!

Answer 5

Having compassion and empathy for others is definitely important. I think that you should continue to build these qualities. Think of the Lord Jesus Christ and then you can realize just how desirable it is.

Answer 6

You should try having God in your life.

Answer 7

its not cruel and i suggest to find new friends that appreciate you more. also try to step back a bit wen u can and remember to try new things and impress ppl with wat ur good at!