I just cannot take care of my stepchildren anymore...?

Question

I feel like the worst person in the world right now...I am a mom with sole custody of 2 boys and my husband also has sole custody of his 3 children from his first marriage.For 2 1/2 years I have raised all 5 kids as my own. They are young and it's very difficult but for 2 years I have loved it and embraced the challenges. I no longer can do it. I have no family or friends nearby to help, my husband works 50+ hours a week and when he IS home his attention is only focused on his kids. As a result my 2 sons have no father figure and they are forced to share their mother. I've noticed my sons becoming depressed. I've pleaded with my husband to include my kids in his life but he doesn't seem to be capable of it, although he does help financially. I feel like the time has come to do 1 of 2 things: 1-insist my husband take responsibility for his own children or 2-leave the marriage. Is number 1 even an option? If so, how can I inform my husband that the balance of responsibility must change?

I realize I will likely be flamed and that is fine. Just remember that I have spent 2 1/2 years making NO difference in any of my 5 children. I have pretty much been a single parent to 5...and the only 2 sufferring are my biological sons because my husband simply cannot open himself up in a fatherly way to my children. I've accepted that he is no able to do this but my decision to either leave or relieve some of my responsibility is final...I just have no idea how to say to my husband "I'm sorry but I can't be the sole caretaker for your children anymore" without just being prepared to leave. Any suggestions?

And I obviously love him. He is not a bad person...we have been in therapy...he is just incapable of showing emotion to children other than his own...because I have children who are not his I accept that a decent alternative is to just leave him...but I am open to how to maturely, and without anger, relay my intentions to him about disengaging from my responsibilities.

Thank you everyone! Blondie, I loved your big brother suggestion...In fact, I tried this 3 months ago but found that there is no big brother chapter in my area. And I hate the thought of not taking care of my stepchildren as I have been but my biological children are suffering as a result of my hard work...I've stuck it out and busted my butt for 2 1/2 years waiting for my husband to adjust and start involving himself in my son's lives. He cannot--therefore my decision is that I cannot...The primary reason that I cannot is that their is a requirement of equality. If my sons were a part of big brother, my step sons would have to be also. If I took my kids to the park alone I am making my sons a priority which my husband thinks is unfair...yet he cannot hold himself to the same standards as he holds me to...So I see no other options. Leave or disengage. I truly wish there WERE an alternative. Praying is a MUST though! Thanks for the reminder guys!

Yes, I do realize that I married him and as a result married the kids...which is why I have done more for my stepkids over the past 2 years than either of their biological parents...I have stayed because I love him and he loves me. My husband and I have no other issues other than this one. Even by not being their sole caretaker I am not saying I am going to just discard my stepkids like they are nobodys. I will continue to do fun things with them weekly, chat with them daily, etc...I will just no longer be thier babysitter, housekeeper, laundry washer, birthday party planning, laying their clothes out, etc. I would never be "mean." I just can't carry on with having complete responsibility when a simple request that my husband say goodnight to my boys in their rooms goes ignored or is called "asking too much of him." Ages: Biosons 10 and 13; Stepkids: 2 boys, 7 and 9 and 1 girl, 12.

Answer 1

When he's home and focused on his kids, take yours out to have some personal mommy time. Go bowling, fishing, whatever they love, and let them be with just you. After my dad got remarried, I hated it because we never had *him* anymore, my stepsibs had him all the time, and even on the weekends we never got him.

I would have loved some personal time.

Anyway, the way he treats the kids is appalling, and you shouldn't accept it. He's got kids, and he needs to be home more. He needs to cut back hours or plan on paying for some daycare or mother's day out. five kids is a lot of work (i have seven so I know!!!) He has responsibilities as well. Instead of free time where he has the opportunity to focus on just his own, plan some outings with the whole family. Something where everyone has a chance to shine...I really like bowling because the focus is on one person at a time. Take his kids out for a play at the park and tell him he has tickets to take yours to the movies. Be creative.

And see a counselor. it doesn't matter if he wants to or not, tell him that the marriage is crap right now because of his crap attitude. Be honest, don't beat around the bush. He is capable of treating them equally, even if he can never love them equally, he CAN be open and play with them and provide them support. I'd never let anyone treat my kids like that.

Answer 2

Stepfamilies are very delicate, and take a long time to get into the swing of working as one famil unit. Two years is not a long time when it comes to stepfamilies, that is still getting your feet wet I'm afraid!

Try starting out by doing family activities. Play a bored game as a family so that everyone is included. On the weekends switch off you take his kids somewhere, and he takes yours, then you can switch or do something all together as a family. He is not going to be able to change his parenting style overnight, but as long as you see him making an effort, you are going to have to give him some credit as well as more time.

If he is not willing to change and include your children more in his life, and it is effecting the children, then perhaps you should leave, but think hard about that one, and don't present him with the be nicer to my kids or I am outta here choice, because no one likes being backed into a corner.

Perhaps finding a professional babysitter to come by once or twice a month so that you have some free time would be good. Or hire a young teen in the neighborhood to be a mother's helper during the afternoons. Get some time in with just you and your hubby, you can't make friends if you are never out. Even when you are at the food store look around for some friend potential and don't be shy, you will be amazed where you can meet a great friend.

Most other moms who are home during the day feel the same as you are feeling, trapped and overwhelmed. Strike up a conversation and see where it goes, you may have a new playdate buddy for yourself and your kids.

Being a stepparent is extrememly hard, and not for the faint of heart! You can do it if you are willing to stick it out, but it is an uphill battle for quite sometime!

Answer 3

I too have 3 step kids so I hope you take this to heart. When I chose to marry him, I chose to love those kids as my own. I have and still do. People think the kids are all mine. Thats fine with me. I think the issue is not so much that you resent the job you have been given, but that he is not taking an equal interest in parenting your specific children. I hope I am getting the story right here? My suggestion is to arrange some time as a complete family unit. Not home time but time away from the house together. There is not mention of the ages of the children and that would definatly affect my answer in many ways. If your kids are younger then his, he may not like little kids? If your kids are older, (Teens) they could be doing thing behind your back that let the new daddy know , they want nothing to do with him. I would seek some counselling. This is the first time I have ever answere with the Counselling card. I hope you find some peace in any direction you chose. You have been a trooper.
Another Step-Mom Opinion

Answer 4

If you truly love children you will sweat blood to work this out. If you are a mother to his children they will go through a horrible time trying to get over you. Think this out some more and do what is only best for all the children. Maybe your children could sign up for a Big Brother with the Big Brother/Big Sister program. Go to a church and get the kids into Sunday School, give them people in their lives to look up to. If your husband is working 50+ hours a week he is barely able to keep up. He's probably exhausted. Try to do things with your boys that don't include the others. Once a month get a babysitter and take your boys out for an afternoon. Just be careful, you don't want to pit your boys against his kids. And lastly, pray for your family each morning this will make a huge difference, I promise you.

Answer 5

Wow, sounds like my sister. Your not my sister are you? Well, my sis, she has 3 kids of her own and 2 step children. Her boys go back and fourth every other week with their dad and her 2 step children they only get on the weekends. I supose you have it a bit rough! My sister and her husband love all the kids equally. There is no, this is your son, you deal with him or this is your daughter you deal with her. They treat their kids like there their kids. That is how it should be. If your husband cannot be a father figure to your children as you can be motherly to his, then you should just leave. It's not good for the children and it can cause them to be emotionally damaged. They will think that something is wrong with them. 5 kids is a lot of work, and it sounds to me like you are doing it all on your own when you shouldn't be. Ditch the guy and take what is most important in your life, your children, and move on. Let him figure out who is going to take care of his kids after you are gone.

Answer 6

Thats something sooooo serious..Im married and have 3 kids 1 being a step daughter and 1 being my son from a former relationship and I made it verry clear to my husband when we forst met that if we got serious my son was to be treated as equally as his daughter because my son didnt have his dad and now here we are 4 yrs later and we have another daughter and everyone is treated fairly and get the same amount of time with both of us..no favortism

you need to tell him that if you are capable of treating his kids like your own then he should do the same if he cant then I strongly believe you should go especially if your kids are feeling sad and depressed...do whats right for them they deserve it

Answer 7

That's a serious life decision. You really need to talk to a marriage counselor first before doing anything. I understand where you are coming from though. Go on your own first to get a proffesional suggestion. Try it out and see if it works. If not see if he'll go to counseling with you. If he refuses, then talk to him about what you're thinking. Maybe then he'll realize how important this is to you. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck.

Answer 8

Get all of them involved in the Boy Scouts so they can gain some fun experience and make friends of their peers.
http://www.scouting.org/
If they're interested in aviation and planes, this is another program for young people to get involved in:
http://www.eaa.org/youth/youngeagles.html
Once they're busy with those programs, take the day off and spend time with your girlfriends or husband. Mothers deserve the day off.

Answer 9

Yes, option #1 is an option, just not a very good one! You guys love each other......So, my advice....Pray, Pray, Pray....and then.....Pray some more! I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties. I agree. It's not fair to you, your children or even his! His children will grow up thinking they are the only people that really matter in this world. Yours will grow up thinking men suck! And might resent you for our choice in him. You will grow older.....a lonely, bitter person if things stay the same.

The only thing I can suggest is continuing with your counseling with him. But, make this subject come up in therapy. This way you'll have an objective person in the room to mediate. Make a date with your husband to spend quality time with your kids alone, and you can in turn have quality time with his at the same time. They can have "daddy & me" by going to the park, movie, etc. At the same time, his kids can have "mommy & me" by getting manicures (if girls), doing crafts or other age/sex appropriate activities. This way, both sets of children feel like the "other" parents loves them and WANTS to make time to spend, just with them.

Other than that, I go back to my opening statement.....the two of you should spend time praying together....ask God to give you both directions and the time to follow His directions. God will answer your prayers....you just have to pray them! Good luck to the two of you. I know you love him and ultimately want to work this out. Get creative with him on little ways to spend time as a faimly.....try BBQ's in the back yard where all kids help dad make shishkabobs, etc. Turn your everyday chores into things the kids would love to do with each of you.....When you fold towels, have them race you and each other to see who does it the fastest, neatest, etc. Maybe even have cheap $1 toys as prizes for each catagory, etc.

I know you guys can work past this! You just need to believe it yourselves! Give eachother a chance to prove their love and devotion to the family.....God bless you all!

Answer 10

i was in a similar situation a few years ago. the problem was i was taking care of ours and his too. his expected him to take her and spend the whole time with her alone. while he was gone, i had to care for her and he would never correct her or offer much in the way of parenting. (other than the money) so i took mine and left for the time he had her. he had to deal with all the parent stuff: find a babysitter, fix food etc. if you see things aren't going to change leave him. its too much for you to deal with alone. good luck.