Ok, I am always paying for everything! I left highschool and went into a job as an apartment manager- I make good money for someone just coming out of highschool. However, my boyfriend (soon to be fiance) sits at home with no job, no college, and expects me to pay for everything! I don't mind paying sometimes- but its starting to get to me. He also doesn't have a car or licence for that matter- he's almost 19 years old. Please don't call him names- he's a doll really, he's been through more than you could imagen. I just need to know what I can do and how to approach him with telling him that he needs to get his **** together. I mean, I could just tell him but I don't want to hurt his feelings- he's already had a hard life.. What do I do?
2007-01-03 05:12:11 · 71 answers · asked by Nikki 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
You can't change him. What you see is what you get for the rest of your life. You want to marry a bum? That's your decision. Welcome to working for a bum for the rest of your life. Good luck. You're going to need it.
2007-01-03 05:20:40 · answer #1 · answered by Sax M 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all - why in the hell would you want to make him your fiance' if he can't even be a good boyfriend?
Ever hear the word "enabler"? As long as you tolerate and accept his behavior then he will continue it - why not! I mean after all what motivation does he have to get off his duff and work if you pay for everything?
Tell him straight that he has 2 weeks to find a job and contribute 50% of the relationship and expenses or he is gettin his walking papers.
You sound like you have your act together, why do you need this loser bringing you down? Don't give me "he's been through alot" - our life is what we make it, our past is not an excuse for present behavior. "He's had a rough life already" - bummer, suck it up and deal - and be a man.
2007-01-03 05:27:09 · answer #2 · answered by Susie D 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be honest, and let him know your feelings. Don't accuse him or place blame, just share with him whats bothering you about the situation. I can understand where you are coming from, and understand that you don't want to be doing all the work. Hopefully he is doing other things to pull his weight, like cleaning the house, and pampering you in ways other than what money can buy. He is not your child and you should not be supporting him, once he starts making money and realizes what help he is imputing in to the equation, he will have more respect/value for himself.
If you are planing on getting married to him, it is very important to understand couples have problems. Unless you work on the problem, by communicating (and yes this will mean yelling sometimes) your own feelings on things that arise, and both trying to solve whatever it may be, even if it doesn't get solved.
If this keeps eating at you it could make the relationship worse in the long run. If he gets hurt because you are bothered by something that he is doing, I'm sure he would rather know sooner than later. If you don't tell him I believe its kinda like lying, or keeping a secret.
2007-01-03 05:40:23 · answer #3 · answered by they call me gabe 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is meant by "soon to be fiance"?
Either you two are engaged to be married or you are not. As a boyfriend, he really has no commitment to you and can be agreeable to enjoy whatever you want to spend on him. It is what it is. He can be a doll and you can buy him things as long as you want. The easiest way to re-train him is to quit paying for things. When he wants to go out, ask him for the money up front. No money, no going out. Have a no-cost date.
As soon as he asks you to marry him, that's a very different proposition. Before you accept or reject his offer, both of you need to see a counselor to make sure that all the right subjects are discussed: children, money, parents, religion, siblings, careers, travel, vacations, sex, beliefs, conflict, etc. Get it all out on the table. Write it down. Get him to tell you what marriage means to him. It's much more than a wedding followed by shared living space.
2007-01-03 05:26:18 · answer #4 · answered by Thomas K 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just sit down with him and tell him straight out. But think like a guy..girls will usually go on and on and say every little detail to butter it up and make it sound good. So just say it straight out and simple:
"Hey sweetie, I really need some help around the house. Is there anyway you could pitch in money-wise". Then he'll probably say...do you mean get a job or he might say yeah I could get a job. Start off with one thing at a time.
2007-01-03 05:16:20 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you do not want people to call him names than why you want someone to help you somepeople still is going to call him names i think you should let him go if you is paying for everything that is not a good boyfriend at least he could get a job if that was my boyfriend he would have a job you is crazy for putting up with has A S S you should kick him out and make him go look for a job you should say if you is not going to work or start helping me buying stuff you got to go because i'm tire of you he don't work you said so let him go tell him if he want things to work out while you need to start helping me out before i leave you or just kick you out because i can not take it anymore and maybe he will list to you good luck trying to work things out with you boyfriend.
2007-01-03 05:29:13 · answer #6 · answered by lil boosie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to stop making excuse for this man...he is lazy and most people that have had a hard life wants better for them selves. He needs to get up and get a job or get out! Love do not pay the rent...
I'm sorry but if you keep condoning this behavior he is never going to do anything...he is only like that because you allow it. And you would be a fool to marry him in that condition because he really will not change; because he will pull that "well I was like this when you married me" crap...Get out why you can~ take from me I have been there with a HS sweetheart...waste of 7 years...I'm telling you!
2007-01-03 05:18:29 · answer #7 · answered by ? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-19 10:06:32 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortuantely you will need to get tough. I am right there with you honey. I have dated my BF for 16 months and now I'm four months pregnant. He has only worked 3 weeks of the entire time we have been together. It drove me crazy. Finally, in October I sat him down and explained to him that his laziness, lack of responsibilty was making him less attractive to me. I explained that the reason I get angry or seem angry all the time is because I feel used. I explained that I can't change the way I feel and that if things continued I would end up leaving him because eventually I would have had enough and fall out of love with him. He acknowledged my concerns and said he would get a job. Three months went by and I finally realized I needed to get tough, get mean, get angry for him to see I was serious. Guys like this don't believe you are serious, they like being taken care of. You and I are what they call enablers. Look it up, read on it. Get tough with this guy. My guy started a job yesterday. And he knows all to well now that if he doesn't stay working we are done. Baby or not. I had to keep being tough, I told him I was mad because he made me feel guilty for expecting him to work, and step up to his life. I'm not out of the woods. Who knows if he'll keep the job but I have made myself and my baby a promise, either I'm with a man or I'm alone. Meaning, I won't raise a grown man anymore. Stand your ground. You'll be glad you did. He will not change until you do.
2007-01-03 05:23:18 · answer #9 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stand a little ground... My bf went threw something similar when he broke up with his ex before me and had to move back home... Granted he had a job but it was a joke of a job! He just didnt want to be a burnout and I was supporitve of what he wanted to do... Granted he didnt have a car until after we were together for 2 years (due to a revoked license) so i had to take him to interviews... He got the job and then i had to take him to work every morning and pick him up everynight... Then one day the roles were reversed and i had no job... He stepped up to the plate and made sure we both got by... He eventually paid of all tickets and got his license back and a car... He is now doing well for himself... Alot of incouragement and support can go a long way... Dont be pushy but dont let him walk on you! We have all been through crazy things in life... he is a grown man and needs to start depending on himself... It will bring him great satisfaction!
2007-01-03 05:18:58 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Stop paying for all of it. By always taking up the slack for him, you are enabling him to take advantage of you. Once you stop, he will be forced to make his own money. If you want to go to a movie, go by yourself. Let him sit at home. Same with everything else. Does this guy live with you? If so, I hope he is doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, laundry and dishes.
He has a pretty sweet arrangement right now. Unless you force the issue, things will probably just continue as they are. Eventually you will resent it.
2007-01-03 05:21:53 · answer #11 · answered by lifeisagift 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋